So I am driving home from the Fire Department a bit ago and a CREED song came on. It was an older one. But I remember when Nate and I started dating that there was a new/er CREED CD out and there were two songs on that CD that I just loved. When this song came on- it just made me think of my brother.. but really I wanted to hear the other song. The other song came to my mind so quickly because I remember my mom saying years ago how this song reminds her of Shane.. like when he had Chloe- then he had Ashtyn and Addi. So, I get home and look it up, I knew I would know the CD case cover.. and my gosh, I feel old- it was in 1999. The song that I wanted to hear, but I dont want to hear.. because I will cry is ARMS WIDE OPEN!
With Arms Wide Open
Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...
This is the kind of music I remember in my teenage years my brother listening to. I was in college, my freshman year, when I got a voicemail on my answering machine that was from my brother. He was telling me to call him back. And then at the end of the message, he added AUNT to Cassey.. and I knew. I was so happy. My mom was beside herself for a while and I kept reminding her that we need to be grateful that Shane was 21... no a teenager, not still in high school... she got over it! Then when Chloe came into this world, well.. it was all about love. But this song is one that my mom always thought of Shane about.
I just wanted to put this down, so I can always remember thoughts I haev at certain times. As I listened to the CREED song that was on the radio I got that nervous/scared feeling of how this can not be true.
Not.My.Brother.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Friday, 5 February 2010
Gestational Thrombocytopenia
I had a 33 week dr. appt today. I was doing good.. :) I have gained 27lbs so far.. which I am perfectly happy about. I truly did not want to gain more than 30, but if I do- I do. I am not letting it stress me out. And anyone that knows me, well you know how hard that is for me. So I go into the room to get weighed and my blood pressure. As the sweet Japanese lady was asking me questions "are you abused" "are you hurt" "do you want to hurt yourself" lol.. everytime they ask these.. lol. I was looking at my chart. There was a piece of paper that said PROBLEM with a blue sticky that said- "discuss with patient".... All I could read from the paper was Gestational. I could not make any of the other words out. So, we walk out- grab Nate and go sit in the room waiting for the DR. I told Nate that something was wrong and I told him what I saw.. of course he said it was not a big deal. I couldnt help but worry. Nate thought it was crazy that I was worrying so much. But I was. In my heart I knew that if it was something SERIOUS that I would have already heard from them... but I just kept thinking- what if I am hurting this baby by not eating good enough, working out, etc. It has been the most perfect pregnancy. NO complaints.. I couldnt help but worry. Luckily the DR didnt make us wait too terribly long! He comes in, says hello- and asks if we have any questions or concerns.. We did want to talk abotu circumcision, but we said no.. then I was like, "Yes, that paper in my file"... he looked at it and explained that I have gestational thrombocytopenia.
What is that? Pretty much-- my platelet count is low. A normal pregnant lady has above 150,000 where mine is in the 130,000.. nothing too bad he said. We will do blood work again in three weeks... and then again at the time of labor. The main thing it can affect is the possiblity of me not being able to get a epidural. I could only laugh inside when he said that.. because I trulyl want to do this natural.. but I am not crazy to say YES, ABSOLUTLY.. NO EPI.. because I might have too. I told Nate- my luck would be now.. I wont have a choice. Let's hope not. that is only if it gets below 100,000. But for anyone that wants more info.. here is some:
Gestational thrombocytopenia (GT) is also known as essential thrombocytopenia, benign thrombocytopenia, and incidental thrombocytopenia of pregnancy.
Incidence
The incidence of gestational thrombocytopenia is 8% of all pregnancies and accounts for more than 70% of cases of thrombocytopenia in pregnancy.
Pathophysiology
The pathophysiology of gestational thrombocytopenia is unknown, but 2 main factors are associated with GT.
Accelerated platelet activation is suspected to occur at placental circulation.
Accelerated consumption of platelets is due to the reduced lifespan of platelets during pregnancy.
Diagnosis
Asymptomatic patient with no history of abnormal bleeding.
Mild thrombocytopenia (counts >70,000/μL)
Usually detected incidentally on routine prenatal screening.
No specific diagnostic tests to definitively distinguish gestational thrombocytopenia from mild ITP.
Usually develops in the third trimester.
Lescale evaluated 8 different platelet antibodies in 250 gravidas with thrombocytopenia (160 with presumed GT, 90 with ITP) to determine if any antibodies could distinguish the 2 conditions. Platelet-associated IgG was comparably elevated in most women with GT (69.5%) and ITP (64.6%), P =0.24. A significantly higher proportion of patients with ITP had indirect IgG compared with patients with GT (85.9% vs 60.3%, P <0.001), but significant overlap existed, limiting its clinical value. Antiplatelet antibody tests, either alone or in combination, cannot be used to distinguish ITP from GT.2
Clinical manifestations
No prepregnancy history of low platelets or abnormal bleeding.
Platelet counts normalize within 2-12 weeks following delivery.
Burrows reported that all women with GT had normal or normalizing platelet counts by the seventh postpartum day.3
Fetal/neonatal risks
No pathological significance for the mother or fetus.
No risk for fetal hemorrhage or bleeding complications.
Samuels evaluated 162 pregnant women and their infants with thrombocytopenia, 74 with presumed GT. No infant from a GT gravida had a platelet count <50,000/μL or intracranial hemorrhage.4
In Burrows' large 1993 study, 756 of 1027 women who were thrombocytopenic (73.6%) had GT. Only 1 infant had a platelet count <50,000/μL, and this infant had trisomy 21 and congenital bone marrow dysfunction. Burrows concluded that GT is the most frequent type of thrombocytopenia and poses no apparent risks for either the mother or infant at delivery.
What is that? Pretty much-- my platelet count is low. A normal pregnant lady has above 150,000 where mine is in the 130,000.. nothing too bad he said. We will do blood work again in three weeks... and then again at the time of labor. The main thing it can affect is the possiblity of me not being able to get a epidural. I could only laugh inside when he said that.. because I trulyl want to do this natural.. but I am not crazy to say YES, ABSOLUTLY.. NO EPI.. because I might have too. I told Nate- my luck would be now.. I wont have a choice. Let's hope not. that is only if it gets below 100,000. But for anyone that wants more info.. here is some:
Gestational thrombocytopenia (GT) is also known as essential thrombocytopenia, benign thrombocytopenia, and incidental thrombocytopenia of pregnancy.
Incidence
The incidence of gestational thrombocytopenia is 8% of all pregnancies and accounts for more than 70% of cases of thrombocytopenia in pregnancy.
Pathophysiology
The pathophysiology of gestational thrombocytopenia is unknown, but 2 main factors are associated with GT.
Accelerated platelet activation is suspected to occur at placental circulation.
Accelerated consumption of platelets is due to the reduced lifespan of platelets during pregnancy.
Diagnosis
Asymptomatic patient with no history of abnormal bleeding.
Mild thrombocytopenia (counts >70,000/μL)
Usually detected incidentally on routine prenatal screening.
No specific diagnostic tests to definitively distinguish gestational thrombocytopenia from mild ITP.
Usually develops in the third trimester.
Lescale evaluated 8 different platelet antibodies in 250 gravidas with thrombocytopenia (160 with presumed GT, 90 with ITP) to determine if any antibodies could distinguish the 2 conditions. Platelet-associated IgG was comparably elevated in most women with GT (69.5%) and ITP (64.6%), P =0.24. A significantly higher proportion of patients with ITP had indirect IgG compared with patients with GT (85.9% vs 60.3%, P <0.001), but significant overlap existed, limiting its clinical value. Antiplatelet antibody tests, either alone or in combination, cannot be used to distinguish ITP from GT.2
Clinical manifestations
No prepregnancy history of low platelets or abnormal bleeding.
Platelet counts normalize within 2-12 weeks following delivery.
Burrows reported that all women with GT had normal or normalizing platelet counts by the seventh postpartum day.3
Fetal/neonatal risks
No pathological significance for the mother or fetus.
No risk for fetal hemorrhage or bleeding complications.
Samuels evaluated 162 pregnant women and their infants with thrombocytopenia, 74 with presumed GT. No infant from a GT gravida had a platelet count <50,000/μL or intracranial hemorrhage.4
In Burrows' large 1993 study, 756 of 1027 women who were thrombocytopenic (73.6%) had GT. Only 1 infant had a platelet count <50,000/μL, and this infant had trisomy 21 and congenital bone marrow dysfunction. Burrows concluded that GT is the most frequent type of thrombocytopenia and poses no apparent risks for either the mother or infant at delivery.
Here are some posts from my mom and sister's blog.. my post is at the bottom.
MY MOM:
Life is not fair
How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".
I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....
SISTER:
I feel the same way....it is definitely not real yet, and I still don't know when it will be. It just hits me sometimes, the reality of it. When I remember that night when I found out....or think about how I was making gingerbread doe for my busy weekend of Christmas parties at about the time that my brother was killed.....these things tear me up....That I had so many "important" things going on and then BOOM nothing mattered except being with my family! I know I couldn't have done anything but I almost feel guilty for being so busy or for baking cookies at the time that he died. Like I should have been there, or been on the phone with him or something....But not consumed with my own life. It is hard to explain these feelings but they just come on me sometimes and even I don't understand them. It is just so hard to accept the fact that he is gone. And that three little ones are left without a father. I get so frustrated when I see so many men who have children but don't take care of them....or men who dessert their families....or are locked up.....etc. All of these "fathers" make me so angry b/c my brother was an AMAZING DADDY!!! and he was taken away from his kids accidentally, but there are so many fathers out their who voluntarily leave their children. This is what doesn't seem fair to me, that someone who adored their children and wanted to be a great dad lost that chance, but others have the chance and dont take it!
ME:
I REALLY WISH THAT MY BROTHER WAS STILL HERE. IT IS SUCH A HARD REALIZATION TO KNOW THAT HE IS NOT HERE. I CAN NOT EVEN EXPLAIN IT.. BUT SOMETIMES IT HITS.. AND BOOM! MY HEART HURTS- I FEEL THOSE THINGS I FELT WHEN MY MOM SPOKE THE WORDS THROUGH HER TEARS TO ME THAT NIGHT. IT DOESNT LAST LONG- BUT IT HITS ME. I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT ALL OF US THAT HAVE LOST SHANE, WE LOST A DIFFERENT THING IN SHANE. I HURT SO BAD FOR MY MOM- WHO LOST HER FIRST BORN, HER SON... HER PRIDE AND JOY. SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO PROUD OF ALL THREE OF US. I DO NOT KONW HOW SHE GOES ON.. YES, I DO. SHE IS THE STRONGEST WOMAN WE KNOW. SHANE HAS SAID THAT MILLIONS OF TIMES ABOUT MY MOM. MY DAD LOST HIS FIRST BORN, HIS SON. I DONT KNOW HOW HE IS DEALING WITH IT- I KNOW HE IS REALLY STRUGGLING. I AM GLAD THAT BOTH MY MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING HIS KIDDOS.. AND ARE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM. BRITT AND I .. WE BOTH LOST.. OUR BIG BROTHER, OUR PROTECTOR, THE MAN WE LOOKED UP TOO. WE WILL NEVER HAVE A BIG BROTHER OR BROTHER EVER AGAIN. BUT IN MY EYES, I STILL HAVE A BROTHER, I MAY NOT HAVE HIM RIGHT NOW- BUT I STILL HAVE HIM. THE KIDS.. LOST AN AMAZING FATHER. I GET sooooo ANGRY WHEN I SEE THESE GUYS THAT DONT TAKE CARE OF THEIR KIDS, DADS THAT DONT SPEND TIME WITH THEIR KIDS, DADS THAT ARE IN JAIL, ANYTHING... ANYTHING BESIDES BEING THE DAD THAT THEY SHOULD BE. DOES IT MAKE ME THINK HOW UNFAIR LIFE IS? HECK YES IT DOES!!! IT TRULY IS NOT FAIR.. AND I GET SO MAD. I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND IT. BUT I AM COMING TO THE REALIZATION.. I DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT. I DONT GET A CHOICE. I KNOW I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN SOMEDAY. I SAY THAT LIGHTLY- WITH FAITH.. BUT STILL STRUGGLING TO GRASP IT. I THINK OF CHRISTINA, THE GIRL SHANE WAS DATING, THE GIRL THAT WAS MAKING HIM SO HAPPY-- I HURT FOR HER. MY HEART HAS HURT FOR HER SINCE THE MOMENT I FOUND OUT. I CAN NOT IMAGINE BEING IN HER SHOES. HER AND SHANE BOTH FELT THAT THEY HAD MET "that person." AND THEN.. THAT HAD TO HAPPEN. HE WAS SO EAGER TO INTRODUCE HER TO US.. I COULDNT WAIT. NOW I FEEL SO GUILTY- BECAUSE HE HAD WANTED ME TO CALL HER ONE DAY AFTER HE AND I WERE TALKING. MOST OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS NEVER LIKED ME.. BUT IT IS BECAUSE I SPEAK MY MIND, LOL. HE HAD WARNED HER ABOUT ME HE SAID. I TRIED TO TELL HIM THAT I HAD CHANGED, AND LEARNED MY LESSON.... BUT DONT HURT HIM! :) IN CASE YOU DO NOT KNOW US.. WE ARE A VERY PROTECTIVE FAMILY. I HURT FOR THE KIDS MOMS- CONSTANCE AND STEPHANIE.. ESPECIALLY STEPHANIE. SHE IS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I CAN NOT IMAGINE. SHE HAS LOST A PART OF SHANE THAT SHE WILL NEVER GET BACK. SHE HAS TO BE MOMMMY AND DADDY TO THOSE BABIES.. LIFE IS NOT FAIR.
IT HAS BEEN 2 MONTHS NOW. I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. STEPHANIE SENT MY MOM FLOWERS AT WORK THAT DAY. IT MEANT A LOT TO ME THAT SHE THOUGHT OF MY MOM THAT DAY, THANKS STEPH. I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE HAVE REALLY WALKED ON THIS EARTH FOR 2 MTHS AND NOT TALKED TO OR SEEN HIM. I CAN NOT BELIEVE I SPENT A WHOLE MONTH IN TEXAS... AND BURIED MY BROTHER. IT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND STILL. I THINK I GET THROUGH EACH DAY BECAUSE I HONESTLY THINK ILL TALK TO HIM AGAIN SOON-- THAT HE IS JUST GONE SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW. I LOVE YOU BIG BROTHER AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
MY MOM:
Life is not fair
How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".
I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....
SISTER:
I feel the same way....it is definitely not real yet, and I still don't know when it will be. It just hits me sometimes, the reality of it. When I remember that night when I found out....or think about how I was making gingerbread doe for my busy weekend of Christmas parties at about the time that my brother was killed.....these things tear me up....That I had so many "important" things going on and then BOOM nothing mattered except being with my family! I know I couldn't have done anything but I almost feel guilty for being so busy or for baking cookies at the time that he died. Like I should have been there, or been on the phone with him or something....But not consumed with my own life. It is hard to explain these feelings but they just come on me sometimes and even I don't understand them. It is just so hard to accept the fact that he is gone. And that three little ones are left without a father. I get so frustrated when I see so many men who have children but don't take care of them....or men who dessert their families....or are locked up.....etc. All of these "fathers" make me so angry b/c my brother was an AMAZING DADDY!!! and he was taken away from his kids accidentally, but there are so many fathers out their who voluntarily leave their children. This is what doesn't seem fair to me, that someone who adored their children and wanted to be a great dad lost that chance, but others have the chance and dont take it!
ME:
I REALLY WISH THAT MY BROTHER WAS STILL HERE. IT IS SUCH A HARD REALIZATION TO KNOW THAT HE IS NOT HERE. I CAN NOT EVEN EXPLAIN IT.. BUT SOMETIMES IT HITS.. AND BOOM! MY HEART HURTS- I FEEL THOSE THINGS I FELT WHEN MY MOM SPOKE THE WORDS THROUGH HER TEARS TO ME THAT NIGHT. IT DOESNT LAST LONG- BUT IT HITS ME. I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT ALL OF US THAT HAVE LOST SHANE, WE LOST A DIFFERENT THING IN SHANE. I HURT SO BAD FOR MY MOM- WHO LOST HER FIRST BORN, HER SON... HER PRIDE AND JOY. SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO PROUD OF ALL THREE OF US. I DO NOT KONW HOW SHE GOES ON.. YES, I DO. SHE IS THE STRONGEST WOMAN WE KNOW. SHANE HAS SAID THAT MILLIONS OF TIMES ABOUT MY MOM. MY DAD LOST HIS FIRST BORN, HIS SON. I DONT KNOW HOW HE IS DEALING WITH IT- I KNOW HE IS REALLY STRUGGLING. I AM GLAD THAT BOTH MY MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING HIS KIDDOS.. AND ARE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM. BRITT AND I .. WE BOTH LOST.. OUR BIG BROTHER, OUR PROTECTOR, THE MAN WE LOOKED UP TOO. WE WILL NEVER HAVE A BIG BROTHER OR BROTHER EVER AGAIN. BUT IN MY EYES, I STILL HAVE A BROTHER, I MAY NOT HAVE HIM RIGHT NOW- BUT I STILL HAVE HIM. THE KIDS.. LOST AN AMAZING FATHER. I GET sooooo ANGRY WHEN I SEE THESE GUYS THAT DONT TAKE CARE OF THEIR KIDS, DADS THAT DONT SPEND TIME WITH THEIR KIDS, DADS THAT ARE IN JAIL, ANYTHING... ANYTHING BESIDES BEING THE DAD THAT THEY SHOULD BE. DOES IT MAKE ME THINK HOW UNFAIR LIFE IS? HECK YES IT DOES!!! IT TRULY IS NOT FAIR.. AND I GET SO MAD. I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND IT. BUT I AM COMING TO THE REALIZATION.. I DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT. I DONT GET A CHOICE. I KNOW I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN SOMEDAY. I SAY THAT LIGHTLY- WITH FAITH.. BUT STILL STRUGGLING TO GRASP IT. I THINK OF CHRISTINA, THE GIRL SHANE WAS DATING, THE GIRL THAT WAS MAKING HIM SO HAPPY-- I HURT FOR HER. MY HEART HAS HURT FOR HER SINCE THE MOMENT I FOUND OUT. I CAN NOT IMAGINE BEING IN HER SHOES. HER AND SHANE BOTH FELT THAT THEY HAD MET "that person." AND THEN.. THAT HAD TO HAPPEN. HE WAS SO EAGER TO INTRODUCE HER TO US.. I COULDNT WAIT. NOW I FEEL SO GUILTY- BECAUSE HE HAD WANTED ME TO CALL HER ONE DAY AFTER HE AND I WERE TALKING. MOST OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS NEVER LIKED ME.. BUT IT IS BECAUSE I SPEAK MY MIND, LOL. HE HAD WARNED HER ABOUT ME HE SAID. I TRIED TO TELL HIM THAT I HAD CHANGED, AND LEARNED MY LESSON.... BUT DONT HURT HIM! :) IN CASE YOU DO NOT KNOW US.. WE ARE A VERY PROTECTIVE FAMILY. I HURT FOR THE KIDS MOMS- CONSTANCE AND STEPHANIE.. ESPECIALLY STEPHANIE. SHE IS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I CAN NOT IMAGINE. SHE HAS LOST A PART OF SHANE THAT SHE WILL NEVER GET BACK. SHE HAS TO BE MOMMMY AND DADDY TO THOSE BABIES.. LIFE IS NOT FAIR.
IT HAS BEEN 2 MONTHS NOW. I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. STEPHANIE SENT MY MOM FLOWERS AT WORK THAT DAY. IT MEANT A LOT TO ME THAT SHE THOUGHT OF MY MOM THAT DAY, THANKS STEPH. I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE HAVE REALLY WALKED ON THIS EARTH FOR 2 MTHS AND NOT TALKED TO OR SEEN HIM. I CAN NOT BELIEVE I SPENT A WHOLE MONTH IN TEXAS... AND BURIED MY BROTHER. IT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND STILL. I THINK I GET THROUGH EACH DAY BECAUSE I HONESTLY THINK ILL TALK TO HIM AGAIN SOON-- THAT HE IS JUST GONE SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW. I LOVE YOU BIG BROTHER AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Blessed Be Your Name
On the way to work the other day this song began to play... and it just hit me! When I got to school I emailed my mom, sister, Abbey, and Kim this email:
I found myself encouraged on the way to school this morning. Thank you Kim for burning those Christian CDs for me. Funny thing is.. I am listening to WOW 5.. .and well, I have those CDs.. in the group that I can not find. This song really encouraged me this morning: Blessed Be Your Name. I havent really listened to Christian music since we got the VAN because it has no CD player...
I am putting all four of you on this email in the hopes that it will encourage you. Mom and BT, it just made me think of so many things we have been through.. I am bolding the ones that really affected me when thinking of our past 7 weeks. I love you mama and sister.
----
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
--
I hope this will bless you as it did me this morning. It is such a strong reminder that I truly need to continue worshiping him.. even though the deepest part of me does not want to.
Cass
I found myself encouraged on the way to school this morning. Thank you Kim for burning those Christian CDs for me. Funny thing is.. I am listening to WOW 5.. .and well, I have those CDs.. in the group that I can not find. This song really encouraged me this morning: Blessed Be Your Name. I havent really listened to Christian music since we got the VAN because it has no CD player...
I am putting all four of you on this email in the hopes that it will encourage you. Mom and BT, it just made me think of so many things we have been through.. I am bolding the ones that really affected me when thinking of our past 7 weeks. I love you mama and sister.
----
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
--
I hope this will bless you as it did me this morning. It is such a strong reminder that I truly need to continue worshiping him.. even though the deepest part of me does not want to.
Cass
Mistaken Identity Quotes Part 2
These are the last of the quotes from the book Mistaken Identity that really touched me or blessed me in some way:
"Our final encouragement is this: Do not hang on to the things of this world too tightly. Life here is but a vapor and there is an eternity ahead. Consider what God calls us to do: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destory, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where mtoh and rust do not destory, and where theives do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.-Matthew 6:19-21"
This scripture reminds me of one of mine and Shane's last conversations... which many of you have heard me talk about. Shane was telling me I needed to move closer to home... I was telling him that I have a really good job.. and right now this is what we need.. He went on to tell me that money isnt that important. To my brother- money was not important.. he may not have had a lot.. and may not have had a lot of material things.. but those things were certainly never important to him. My prayer is that I can be more like him in that aspect. He was so giving.
"Death is a result of sin. So this separation that we have from our fellow believers is not how God originally intended it to be. And in that I find two things. First it tells me that it is OK to be sad or even angry about you not being here anymore. And second, I find tremendous hope because God will make things right. He will restore heaven and earth to it's original state of wholeness and He Hiimself, will be at the center and we who believe in Him will all be brought back together."
I am going to steal what my sister wrote on her blog about this quote. We both marked the same quote, but she said it so much better than I ever could.. actually, I dont even think my mind thought like her..:
I think I just realized what heaven will be like, (or a piece of it). When God said He would restore heaven and earth to it's original state of wholeness he meant like before there was sin, when it was first created. Is it true then that the earth God first created for us, that was without sin, was actaully what he will restore it back to? And if that is so, then that means that in the beginning God created earth to be heavenly--he wanted us to live in a perfect place where all we did was worship him--where there was no tragedy, no bad things. But since Adam sinned, then sin created death. But when Jesus returns and we are restored and reunited with our loved ones, we will finally get the chance to live in our perfect paradise that he originally created for us...
Just my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em.
"I can only imagine what you are experiencing right now. What it's like to be with Jesus. I wish I could just sith with you, maybe over an Applebee's blondie, and aks you all kinds of questions."
I wish I could imagine it. Before Shane died, I could imagine heaven. Now, it seems so far away.. sometimes unreal. Bad to say, yes.. but if I am being truthful, this is where I stand. My faith has become so shaky. Shane would truly be amazed how Britt and I are struggling spiritually right now- because that is how he has known us.. especially BT.
Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
I can say right now- that I fully understand why I am in Japan right now. I questioned it a few times, but there are several reasons that I know I am here. God has blessed me with amazing friends, that are like family, over here. I didn't have these relationships in Mississippi. I had good relationships with people, but not like this. These are Godly relationships. If this had happened to me in Mississippi, I would not have had near the support that I have had here.. nor would I have been able to leave Texas- since I was so close. But the support I have recieved from people here has been so amazing... and I know that the Lord has me here for this time in my life for that reason. There are other reasons of course, but that is the most vivid right now!
"Oh no, Not Brad." For several minutes she repeated over and over, "No, Not Brad."
I kept saying this outloud for the whole first day of finding out.. until I made it to Texas. I would literally bust out and say, "No, Not Shane..." I would do it at home, at the airport, in the airplane... until I got to my family and realized.. it was true. But I understand those words and how hard they are to understand.
"Please, Please, wake me up... This is a dream"
I still say this... and I wish I would wake up from this terrible nightmare.
"If she'd had her way, she would have pulled the blankets up tight over her head and not moved. But she knew she had to get up. She had to force her legs over the side of the bed, and she had to force her body to follow their lead, all becuase she knew she had too."
"Oh God, why?" she prayed. "Why does life keep going on when I want it to stop? Whey does it keep going foward when I can't move?"
"The two shared a look and Ruthann knew immediatly what kind of day Susie was having. Her own son Matt had died five years ealier in a car accident not far from camp."
My poor sweet mom. I keep thinking about her. I know she is struggling... and Britt and I are not there to help her. I am so glad that the grandkids are so clsoe and that Constance and Stephanie are so wonderful adn allow her to get them. Those kids make it much easier for her- if that is possible. The kids bring happiness back into her life!!! My poor mom. Please pray for her today.
"Our final encouragement is this: Do not hang on to the things of this world too tightly. Life here is but a vapor and there is an eternity ahead. Consider what God calls us to do: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destory, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where mtoh and rust do not destory, and where theives do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.-Matthew 6:19-21"
This scripture reminds me of one of mine and Shane's last conversations... which many of you have heard me talk about. Shane was telling me I needed to move closer to home... I was telling him that I have a really good job.. and right now this is what we need.. He went on to tell me that money isnt that important. To my brother- money was not important.. he may not have had a lot.. and may not have had a lot of material things.. but those things were certainly never important to him. My prayer is that I can be more like him in that aspect. He was so giving.
"Death is a result of sin. So this separation that we have from our fellow believers is not how God originally intended it to be. And in that I find two things. First it tells me that it is OK to be sad or even angry about you not being here anymore. And second, I find tremendous hope because God will make things right. He will restore heaven and earth to it's original state of wholeness and He Hiimself, will be at the center and we who believe in Him will all be brought back together."
I am going to steal what my sister wrote on her blog about this quote. We both marked the same quote, but she said it so much better than I ever could.. actually, I dont even think my mind thought like her..:
I think I just realized what heaven will be like, (or a piece of it). When God said He would restore heaven and earth to it's original state of wholeness he meant like before there was sin, when it was first created. Is it true then that the earth God first created for us, that was without sin, was actaully what he will restore it back to? And if that is so, then that means that in the beginning God created earth to be heavenly--he wanted us to live in a perfect place where all we did was worship him--where there was no tragedy, no bad things. But since Adam sinned, then sin created death. But when Jesus returns and we are restored and reunited with our loved ones, we will finally get the chance to live in our perfect paradise that he originally created for us...
Just my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em.
"I can only imagine what you are experiencing right now. What it's like to be with Jesus. I wish I could just sith with you, maybe over an Applebee's blondie, and aks you all kinds of questions."
I wish I could imagine it. Before Shane died, I could imagine heaven. Now, it seems so far away.. sometimes unreal. Bad to say, yes.. but if I am being truthful, this is where I stand. My faith has become so shaky. Shane would truly be amazed how Britt and I are struggling spiritually right now- because that is how he has known us.. especially BT.
Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
I can say right now- that I fully understand why I am in Japan right now. I questioned it a few times, but there are several reasons that I know I am here. God has blessed me with amazing friends, that are like family, over here. I didn't have these relationships in Mississippi. I had good relationships with people, but not like this. These are Godly relationships. If this had happened to me in Mississippi, I would not have had near the support that I have had here.. nor would I have been able to leave Texas- since I was so close. But the support I have recieved from people here has been so amazing... and I know that the Lord has me here for this time in my life for that reason. There are other reasons of course, but that is the most vivid right now!
"Oh no, Not Brad." For several minutes she repeated over and over, "No, Not Brad."
I kept saying this outloud for the whole first day of finding out.. until I made it to Texas. I would literally bust out and say, "No, Not Shane..." I would do it at home, at the airport, in the airplane... until I got to my family and realized.. it was true. But I understand those words and how hard they are to understand.
"Please, Please, wake me up... This is a dream"
I still say this... and I wish I would wake up from this terrible nightmare.
"If she'd had her way, she would have pulled the blankets up tight over her head and not moved. But she knew she had to get up. She had to force her legs over the side of the bed, and she had to force her body to follow their lead, all becuase she knew she had too."
"Oh God, why?" she prayed. "Why does life keep going on when I want it to stop? Whey does it keep going foward when I can't move?"
"The two shared a look and Ruthann knew immediatly what kind of day Susie was having. Her own son Matt had died five years ealier in a car accident not far from camp."
My poor sweet mom. I keep thinking about her. I know she is struggling... and Britt and I are not there to help her. I am so glad that the grandkids are so clsoe and that Constance and Stephanie are so wonderful adn allow her to get them. Those kids make it much easier for her- if that is possible. The kids bring happiness back into her life!!! My poor mom. Please pray for her today.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
My moms blog post...
This is from my mom's blog..
The final piece of this nightmare
Well here it is the final piece of this nightmare that makes it SO real!! It is truly a beautiful headstone. Picked out & designed by his Dad, myself & the girls. It is really a beautiful tribute to Shane, the true & real Shane...aka Daddy. This is where Shane was so prosperous. He may not have had alot of money in the bank & he may not have had alot of material things but he had his children & his family! He loved his kids with his whole being. His concern was always that his kids be taken care of not his self. He even told us not to buy anything for him at Christmas, just buy for his kids. And he loved his family completely! He was so proud of his sister's. I'm not sure if he ever told them but he told me.
Are we still struggling? Yes very much so! He is the last thing on my mind at night & the first thing in the morning before I open my eyes.
People ask if you are doing ok, yes you tell them what else are you suppose to say? " NO MY SON IS DEAD"? But you don't say that you carry on day to day & try to find some normal in the day.
I seem to live for the next time the GRANDkids are here even though it tires me out so, but they are what makes it easier. And my girls I talk to both of them every day & that help so much even if its a Hi I love you but gotta go. Thats ok, cause thats normal. It seems the normal helps.
Shane's dad got a lady in town that paints on the windows of the business's in town to finish his mural at Truman, I've seen pictures that was forwarded to my phone but I haven't seen it yet myself. From what I heard she did it in memory to Shane, she wouldn't let him pay her. This is so sweet. I hope to meet her one day.
You know they say that the first year is the hardest because you experience all the first without your loved one. Well I've already started going thru that. A couple weeks ago I took them to Chuck E Cheese & the last time we were there Shane was with us. Tomorrow we go to Kids Station for Cameron's birthday the last time we were there was the day Cassey left for Japan, the last time she saw him, but I can't not go because of that! Then that would be the first step to not living if I hid away in the house & didn't take the kids to these activities, it would not be fair to them & I will not do that to them.
So how am I? Better to be honest, but it still is SO hard. I still cannot believe that Shane is gone....but we continue everyday... living.... for his memory, for his kids, for ourselves.
Just remember to love & cherish your family & friends don't let trivial things get in the way cause you never know when the last time you speak to them may well be the last time. Love one another
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
9
That is how many days that I had until I saw my brother... I get angry when I think about that. We had a plan.. a great plan to meet at the Longview Airport that Sunday night.. he was going to have all of his kids. He was so excited-- just as excited as I was. When we were talking about it... he went on to tell me about how hard it was when I got on that plane a year and a half ago in the same airport... and how he cried and cried. It shocked me that he was telling me that- and shocked me even more that he cried. I was so uncontrollable that day... crying constantly. Had I known it was going to be my last time to see him or touch him, I would have held onto him a lot longer. I would have talked to him more... I would have climbed up into that ball pit at Kids Station with him.. I would not have left his side!! Had I known that day in June 2008 was going to be the last time for me to see him... I would have left him more voicemails when I called instead of telling him it was a waste of my time because he didn't check them! :) I miss him. A ton.
It just hit me.. I did see my brother again... on the EXACT day I was suppose too.. but .. instead of being able to hug my big, strong, brother... I had to look at him in that coffin. Really? Really?? Life really isn't fair.
But then I think of all these people in Haiti.. and I feel so selfish. It could have been so much worse, and I know that! I just pray that God can give us strength... give my mom strength.. and Britt... it is so hard, life is hard. ......
It just hit me.. I did see my brother again... on the EXACT day I was suppose too.. but .. instead of being able to hug my big, strong, brother... I had to look at him in that coffin. Really? Really?? Life really isn't fair.
But then I think of all these people in Haiti.. and I feel so selfish. It could have been so much worse, and I know that! I just pray that God can give us strength... give my mom strength.. and Britt... it is so hard, life is hard. ......
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