My Life

It has changed so much in the past year. There are some days when I really sit and think.. and I have to stop thinking so I do not have a total breakdown. Obviously the biggest change for me is loosing Shane. Yes, I am having a baby-- but wasn't that the way my life was suppose to go? Married, enjoy each other for seven years, then start our family... that is the next step. But loosing my brother was not in that plan anywhere. It has hit very hard. We are walking close to the 3 month mark, which is tomorrow. It is totally crazy how life continues- even my life. During the first weeks of this, in Texas, I could not fathom how my life would move on. I felt guilty because in my heart and shared with those closest to me was the UNexcitement that I had for Noah. I no longer wanted this happiness in my life. I just knew that when Noah is born that I would cry and grieve still over the loss of my brother and him not knowing Noah. But today, three months later, I know that isn't the case. And.. strangely enough, I feel guilty. I do not feel that it is fair that I get to experience the happiness of my life while he is gone. I am working so hard trying to understand God's will.. and truly accept that this is okay. But to be honest, it is just plain hard. I have really come a long way in the past three months in relation to my understanding and love for the Lord- but it is a daily struggle. Sometimes when talking to people and they start talking about what is going on at home with the babies, how Shane this, Shane that, etc. it opens that wound again- and I shut down. They do not know it, but I do. Mentally I do not listen anymore. It is too hard. Sometimes I can look at pictures of that man that I always thought was so good looking when I was a teenager and that I felt honored to have as my brother because he WAS HOT :) and I can smile. Other times when I look at those pictures- I can not handle it. As I get closer to meeting my little boy, I worry. I do not want to lose my son. My mom has been through something so terrible, and I am not sure that I could handle it. I hope once I meet Noah that all of these fears subside for a while. I am very excited to meet him now- anxious and ready. I knw when I see him, if I cry- it will be tears of happiness and joy. Sure, there are going to be times looking at him that I grieve for the loss of Shane. But I also know that SHANE would not have it any other way for me. He was very excited for me. I just think- how unfair it is that my brother never got the chance to be an uncle- but yet gave me and Brittany the amazing job of being aunts to THREE amazing children! I want so bad to listen to his last voicemail to me that says something like, "Hey Sis.. heard your having a boy! Congrats on that. Ashtyn will have a boy to play with now." But I know that mentally... and emotionally.. I just CAN NOT do it right now. I want to hear his voice- but to hear the "Hey Sis" part... is going to be way more than I can handle.. Three months.. seriously? Before we know it we will be saying one year. I do not want to do that. Thank you to all that have continued to pray for our family. There are so many families out there goin through something similar as us... and it sucks. My heart hurts for everyone that goes through any kind of death.

Noah is due in 21 days and my mom will be here in 25 days! I am overly ready to hug my moma!! Then to know that I will see her again this summer.. makes me smile! :) I love my family.

Being a mom

I worry about this mom thing. What if I can't do it? I have had a wonderful life and everything has always come so easy for me. I am not saying that to brag, but I am being honest. My mom made sure that we had a great life growing up. Losing my brother in December was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I have not had much heartache, sadness, failures, etc. in my life. But what if I can not do this. I know what everyone says.. youll be fine, it will come natural.. da da da! :) But this is my blog, and this is what I want to write about. I have hopes and dreams of the kind of mom I WAnt to be. The ways I want to handle things, how I want things to go, etc. Of course, if I have learned one thing of being a military wife it is that things dont always go my way. Which is FINE! But I pray that I can be the mom that God intends me to be. I have watched so many people travel down this path I am about to venture down- and I have seen it handled so many different ways. I just wonder- how is it going to be for me? I pray it comes easy and natural to me, like pretty much everything has in my life. I have a wonderful example, my own mom, to follow- so that is helpful. But this is scary.

But as I get closer- the more ready I am. I am so ready to meet my little boy. I am beyond ready to experience the next level with Nathan. I am ready to watch the man I love turn into a daddy... to a little boy that we created together. I know that God gave us Noah at the perfect time, and I know that no matter what- it is all going to be good. I ahve the same fears that something is going to be wrong when he comes out. If I have learned one thing-- it is that anything can happen to anyone. When Shane died, I kept saying.. these things dont happen to my family. Well BANG it just did! So, that is something that I have learned.. I am not immune to anything. I know that God will help me handle whatever comes my way. But is it bad of me to pray for that perfect, healthy baby boy?

Does this blog make me sound like a bad person? We did not have any tests ran on Noah that a lot of people do.. for downs syndrome and those kinds of things. We didnt care. So, I am now at the point where I think about those. Of course. I will love my son no matter what.... but I do earnestly pray....

Oh, geez.. these are just my thoughts. I hope that I dont offend anyone.

The countdown is on..

Until I am able to hold my precious baby boy, my first baby. It is so ... odd! Went to the DR today and they book the remainder of my appointments, it was so strange! :) Noah is head down, getting ready to make his grand appearance. It is so amazing to me that I am finally, after 10 years of being with my husband (7married), going to have a baby- half Nate, half me! I am so ready for this.. and so excited to see him!! I already love him so much. I can not wait to bond with my little boy and with Nate and Noah.. as a famiily. I am very ready for my mom to get here too!! Soon! SOON! Due Date is March 24th!!

Rambling,..

Here I sit, 35weeks pregnant, and I finally, FINALLY feel pregnant. Who knew it would take me this long to feel pregnant? I am blessed. I have loved every last minute of this pregnancy. It has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Poor Noah, I have never met him, but he has experienced with me the hardest thing, to date, that I have ever had to go through. My sweet baby boy. 34 days until my due date. That also means... 38 days until I see my mama! I can not wait! I wonder if he will last that long... I mean, I dont feel anything. I am a bit more tired this week .. and today was a gripy day- but all in all, I feel great.. just heavy. Lol. I have a baby shower on Saturday. Abbey and Kim are throwing it for us. I am so blessed with two amazing friends here.. but even more than that, I am blessed with all of the amazing women that surround me here.. and the group that will be there Saturday to show their support. I know I get my stroller.. and I am SO excited. :)

It is still so hard for me to believe that Shane is gone. This week I have been a bit emotional, .. so therefore, I have been really upset about him. I was just working on my bible study and it was talking about trust. I had to list a couple of POSITIVE things that help me trust and a couple of NEGATIVE things that cause me not to trust. I wrote, physically, "Shane's death." Then I reread the words and could not believe it.

I was driving home yesterday and I just got all choked up. How fair is it that two beaufiul girls will grow up, get married, and not have their DADDY walk them down the aisle? How fair is any of this? I mean, really? But as I say that.. how fair is it that I question God? I am still struggling so terribly bad with all of this... It just.. sucks.

I wish BT could come back to Japan. I miss that girl. I miss my whole family. I can not wait to go back home this summer... and take my baby with me. My prayer is that I will be a mommy like my mom has always been to me. I pray that God will help me to love every moment of being a mommy and help me to be strong. I have watched so many different people become mommies.. and everyone handles it a different way. i just pray soooo hard that God will help me always remember what a blessing sweet Noah is.. and that I just.. embrace all of it!!! Please pray for us as we continue through our last 5 weeks of just me, nate, and dezi... our last 5 weeks of being pregnant... our last 5 weeks of the unknown... our last 5 weeks of .. feelign and watching this sweet baby from outside of my belly! :)

Noah...

I don't want any of this (by my sister)

Sometimes...when I think about you...I don't let my mind go there..
I won't let it take me to reality.
When I think of you, that's as far as I go.
I begin to change the subject in my mind so that I don't have to face the truth.
I push it away as though it won't come back,
As if pushing will make it disappear and be less real.

But then it hits me...
It smacks me in the face so hard I didn't see it coming.
I remember the truth,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the sadness...
All of this floods my heart and my memory and it breaks me.

And I remember that YOU, My Brother are gone...

It all comes back to me and knocks me down like a huge wave in the ocean.
I begin to remember when I heard the words,
I remember when I first hugged Mom and cried.
I remember the days that followed,
all the people,
the food,
the love,
the tears,
the sadness.

I remember how I felt when we had to leave you there.
I felt so bad...I didn't want to leave you there alone.
I wanted to take you home with us.
You were supposed to be with us.
All of our family was there...but not you.
Your babies were there but not Daddy.

None of this seems right or real Shane.
And I just hate to think of life without you.
You were just stolen from us all....
and I hate to think of the reality of what the years will bring.

Three siblings, but one missing.
Parents without a son.
A birthday but no one to celebrate for.
Special events with only their Mommy...
Holidays without you,
I don't want any of this.

------
Written by my little sister. The words are truly amazing and how so many of us feel. Why can't this all just be a dream?!

Realization

Sometimes the realization of what has happen hits you in the face full force. Last night Abbey and Ryan were over looking at my baby book and I was showing them some baby pictures. Of course most of my pictures I had were of me and Shane because BT was not here yet. The DeMoss' came over later and we had our LOST party. Everyone left by 1015, and Nate and I had just finished teh kitchen. About 1045 we were heading to bed.. I went to the kitchen to get a TUMS and... it just hit me. And I get angry/sad all mixed together. This isn't the way it is suppose to be. The realization that I truly have not talked to my brother since the first of December is a slap in the face as well. Time does make it easier- for me. But it could be because I do not live at home... but when things just hit me- i hate it. I say I know it has gotten easier because in December I could not imagine being happy even when Noah was born... now I am truly excited for that. People keep saying that Shane was able to hold Noah before he comes in this world... not sure how I feel about stuff like that-- but it does make a person feel good.

I always worry- about everyone in my famimly now. I pray that God keeps them safe, because I just could not handle something like this again...

Simply put- I clearly miss my brother. A.LOT.