Sunday, 21 March 2010

*

If we make it through this next week pregnant, this will be our last full week alone-- with no children. It seems so crazy that this change is about to happen to.. US! It has always been us.. for the past 10 years. (10 together*, 7 married) It is a very exciting time though. Wednesday we will be 40 weeks. Do I want to make it pregnant a whole week more? Heck no. I was really thinking about taking this week off of work just because-- I am tired. My body is tired. But it seems pointless. I teach great kids that are not that dependent on me, so it isn't that much work. It would just give me an excuse to lay around-- and not get paid. So, why should I do that? Not only that- I do not find it fair to my kids or my school. So- I am okay with going to work. This has taken all weekend to get here- but I am okay working one more week. REGARDLESS if Noah is here by next Monday or not, Friday IS my last day. Why? My mom will be here next Monday.

You heard that right-My mom is coming back to Japan. This time.. alone! I am so excited to see her. I really do hope that Noah makes his appearance early this week so we can take him to the airport to see moma. But if not, I have it all handled. I have a couple of wonderful friends that will ensure my moma gets to and from the hospital and has somewhere to stay. She won't be staying alone if I am in this hospital.. :) She will be with the Wadini's and I think she would be okay with that. Dezi can even cuddle with her since they will have my Dezi poo too!

I worry- what kind of parents will we be? I guess we are about to find out. I can not wait to hold Noah for the first time- and strangely enough- in the same amount of everything I have in me-- I can not wait to see Daddy with his son for the first time. Nate is going to be such a wonderful dad and I can not wait to watch Noah grow up with him... and I can not wait to be that mommy that I need to be! This is all so new, yet all so exciting!! :)

Well, our friends are here for dinner- so.. I gotta get off for now. I hope that nexst time I post it is to tell you that Noah is here! :)

Thursday, 18 March 2010

so.over.it

once again i am so glad it has taken me to 39 weeks to feel this way. but i am sooo over being pregnant. i am very ready to have my little boy in my arms. everyone keeps telling me to enjoy it, enjoy it.. but really- i am at that point.. what is there to enjoy? i cant sleep, i have heartburn galore, im fat, im swollen... the list could go on and on. oh and i am not complaining, trust me. i am so thankful it has taken me this long to feel this way. but no longer do i enjoy getting dressed. i use to love getting in my maternity clothes, seeing my belly in my shirts- but now- most of my shirts ride up my belly. im exhausted. all i want is to have him already! :) doesnt everyone get like this at some point?? i think he is just hardheaded like his daddy! but ill be patient.. bc the last thing i want is.. to be induced. i do not want that at all... so yea, this is me... venting.

Emotional

I guess I should be grateful that it took me to week 39 in this pregnancy to get over emotional. These are some things that have set me off this week into tears:

1. Got some military news that may prevent Nate from being with me when Noah is born, except for the delivery. Bums me out bad- but what can I do? Continue with the attitude that I always have-- and it will be ok. I am grateful for the fact that I do have friends.. but it does stress him out a bit too. Needless to say, I literally broke down in front of several girlfriends-- very uncomfortable for me, as I do not do that.

2. About three times this week, with the drive home from the FD a bit ago being the latest, I have DESIRED to call Shane and talk to him. I feel like we need to catch up. When it hits me that I can't.. I almost can not handle it. It has been three and a half months now! Yet, it feels like soo much longer since I talked to him. To feel the need to chat and not be able too.. well, yea.. that hurts. What do you do?

3. Reading stories of child births.. yea, those too. I have been trying to find more and more- they really interest me. But then, I break down.. I imagine my moment holding my little boy- sharing that moment with the man I love and the man that is going to be an AAAAmazing father to him

4. Going to the DR. today to find out I am only 1 cent. dilated. This bummed me out so bad, I wanted to cry all afternoon. I know it means nothing and it could all change super fast. But I was SO SURE it would be more. I mean cooome on! I am on my feet all the time. I work, I have shoveled. I have kept my normal life.. and here I sit.. 1 cent. made me very sad!

That is all I can think of.. but still I have been over emotional lately. Enough already! :)

Saturday, 13 March 2010

T-10 days

10 days from today is our due date. Noah could be here anytime-- or he could just keep on waiting.

Have I told you how much I HATE countdowns? They use to be so much fun. However, not anymore. 10 days from today is our due date for our precious baby boy. Back in November/December I had a countdown going too.. and I was 10 days away from flying home when my brother was killed in a car wreck. 10 days. Lord, let me get past TODAY in this pregnancy. I know it means nothing to so many, but to be honest, it is so hard for me. All I had was 10 days.. and I would have seen Shane, hugged Shane, laughed at/with Shane, and just spent time with Shane. Instead I only have the memories of our phone calls over the past year and a half I lived in Japan-- and our last day in Texas together. My family took the kids to Kid's Station in Longview and enjoyed our time there until I had to catch my flight... then we all went to the airport. I remember driving there.. 2 different cars. Us, and then Shane and all the kids.

At the airport, it was SO hard for me. I have never cried to much-- to that point in my life anyways. Our last pictures with each other, I am just tear stained.. I wasn't sad for our move to Japan- I was sad because I did not know when I would see my family again. My grief is worse now- because I truly did not know then that I would never see my brother alive again. I can not comprehend this. AT ALL! I know it has been over three months.. and anyone that sees me on a day to day basis or just in bypassing would never know the hurt that my heart endures. Some days are better than others.. some weeks are better than others. When I see pictures of my neices and nephew- I miss them. But my heart aches because I know that their daddy woudl want to be right there with all three of them. And none of us have that option.

I always turn my blog into something sad, sorry. I am doing a Bible Study with a group of ladies.. it has been wonderful. This past week we talked about LOSS. Do I understand things more clearer? No. Am I trying to trust God? Yes. Is this hard? For sure. I am thankful for the friends that God has brought into my life in Misawa. I have true friends here that I would be okay with being around for the rest of my life. I see God's hand in moving us from other friends and stufff.. I see how our lives have changed for the better and I just see the great things that have come from heartache of moving and leaving good friends in the past. Then I look at myself here.. my heart is goin to be TORN when I leave here. I can not see what good will come from separating me from certain people here. Just as I do not think I will EVER see or understand the purpose of my brother leaving this world. But one thing I know--- I do not need to understand, right? I just need to trust.

I can not wait to hold Noah. I Am not sure what kind of mommy I am going to be. But I pray that I adapt as well as I have always adapted to things in my life. I am so glad and thankful that my mom will spend two weeks with us. I miss her. I am going to be torn when she leaves.. and only have July/August to look foward to so I can see everyone at home again. Nates mom will come for 2 weeks after my mom.. then I go back to work. Is it starnge that I already dread that? I already dread not spending everyday with my son-- and he isnt even here yet. My prayer is that God truly gives me the desire to spend time with hima nd to love every minute of it. I know our lives are about to change.. and it seems so crazy, since it has always just been US! But we can do this. I know that Nater is going to be a great daddy and I can not wait to see him in action. I see him with our neices and nephews.. and I know without a doubt he will be great. Strict, yes.. but wonderful.

Anyways.. I am off to get ready for this Sunday morning. I am excited for our Bible Study this afternoon... Ill let you know when Noah gets here!

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

My Life

It has changed so much in the past year. There are some days when I really sit and think.. and I have to stop thinking so I do not have a total breakdown. Obviously the biggest change for me is loosing Shane. Yes, I am having a baby-- but wasn't that the way my life was suppose to go? Married, enjoy each other for seven years, then start our family... that is the next step. But loosing my brother was not in that plan anywhere. It has hit very hard. We are walking close to the 3 month mark, which is tomorrow. It is totally crazy how life continues- even my life. During the first weeks of this, in Texas, I could not fathom how my life would move on. I felt guilty because in my heart and shared with those closest to me was the UNexcitement that I had for Noah. I no longer wanted this happiness in my life. I just knew that when Noah is born that I would cry and grieve still over the loss of my brother and him not knowing Noah. But today, three months later, I know that isn't the case. And.. strangely enough, I feel guilty. I do not feel that it is fair that I get to experience the happiness of my life while he is gone. I am working so hard trying to understand God's will.. and truly accept that this is okay. But to be honest, it is just plain hard. I have really come a long way in the past three months in relation to my understanding and love for the Lord- but it is a daily struggle. Sometimes when talking to people and they start talking about what is going on at home with the babies, how Shane this, Shane that, etc. it opens that wound again- and I shut down. They do not know it, but I do. Mentally I do not listen anymore. It is too hard. Sometimes I can look at pictures of that man that I always thought was so good looking when I was a teenager and that I felt honored to have as my brother because he WAS HOT :) and I can smile. Other times when I look at those pictures- I can not handle it. As I get closer to meeting my little boy, I worry. I do not want to lose my son. My mom has been through something so terrible, and I am not sure that I could handle it. I hope once I meet Noah that all of these fears subside for a while. I am very excited to meet him now- anxious and ready. I knw when I see him, if I cry- it will be tears of happiness and joy. Sure, there are going to be times looking at him that I grieve for the loss of Shane. But I also know that SHANE would not have it any other way for me. He was very excited for me. I just think- how unfair it is that my brother never got the chance to be an uncle- but yet gave me and Brittany the amazing job of being aunts to THREE amazing children! I want so bad to listen to his last voicemail to me that says something like, "Hey Sis.. heard your having a boy! Congrats on that. Ashtyn will have a boy to play with now." But I know that mentally... and emotionally.. I just CAN NOT do it right now. I want to hear his voice- but to hear the "Hey Sis" part... is going to be way more than I can handle.. Three months.. seriously? Before we know it we will be saying one year. I do not want to do that. Thank you to all that have continued to pray for our family. There are so many families out there goin through something similar as us... and it sucks. My heart hurts for everyone that goes through any kind of death.

Noah is due in 21 days and my mom will be here in 25 days! I am overly ready to hug my moma!! Then to know that I will see her again this summer.. makes me smile! :) I love my family.