My Life

It has changed so much in the past year. There are some days when I really sit and think.. and I have to stop thinking so I do not have a total breakdown. Obviously the biggest change for me is loosing Shane. Yes, I am having a baby-- but wasn't that the way my life was suppose to go? Married, enjoy each other for seven years, then start our family... that is the next step. But loosing my brother was not in that plan anywhere. It has hit very hard. We are walking close to the 3 month mark, which is tomorrow. It is totally crazy how life continues- even my life. During the first weeks of this, in Texas, I could not fathom how my life would move on. I felt guilty because in my heart and shared with those closest to me was the UNexcitement that I had for Noah. I no longer wanted this happiness in my life. I just knew that when Noah is born that I would cry and grieve still over the loss of my brother and him not knowing Noah. But today, three months later, I know that isn't the case. And.. strangely enough, I feel guilty. I do not feel that it is fair that I get to experience the happiness of my life while he is gone. I am working so hard trying to understand God's will.. and truly accept that this is okay. But to be honest, it is just plain hard. I have really come a long way in the past three months in relation to my understanding and love for the Lord- but it is a daily struggle. Sometimes when talking to people and they start talking about what is going on at home with the babies, how Shane this, Shane that, etc. it opens that wound again- and I shut down. They do not know it, but I do. Mentally I do not listen anymore. It is too hard. Sometimes I can look at pictures of that man that I always thought was so good looking when I was a teenager and that I felt honored to have as my brother because he WAS HOT :) and I can smile. Other times when I look at those pictures- I can not handle it. As I get closer to meeting my little boy, I worry. I do not want to lose my son. My mom has been through something so terrible, and I am not sure that I could handle it. I hope once I meet Noah that all of these fears subside for a while. I am very excited to meet him now- anxious and ready. I knw when I see him, if I cry- it will be tears of happiness and joy. Sure, there are going to be times looking at him that I grieve for the loss of Shane. But I also know that SHANE would not have it any other way for me. He was very excited for me. I just think- how unfair it is that my brother never got the chance to be an uncle- but yet gave me and Brittany the amazing job of being aunts to THREE amazing children! I want so bad to listen to his last voicemail to me that says something like, "Hey Sis.. heard your having a boy! Congrats on that. Ashtyn will have a boy to play with now." But I know that mentally... and emotionally.. I just CAN NOT do it right now. I want to hear his voice- but to hear the "Hey Sis" part... is going to be way more than I can handle.. Three months.. seriously? Before we know it we will be saying one year. I do not want to do that. Thank you to all that have continued to pray for our family. There are so many families out there goin through something similar as us... and it sucks. My heart hurts for everyone that goes through any kind of death.

Noah is due in 21 days and my mom will be here in 25 days! I am overly ready to hug my moma!! Then to know that I will see her again this summer.. makes me smile! :) I love my family.