Friday, 26 November 2010

One of those days

It could be because:
-I miss Nathan
-I am tiring of being alone already
-I secretly wish I could spend the next five months at home
-Drama in my heart
-Hurt feelings
-A childhood friend getting killed in a car wreck a few nights ago
-Addi asking when her daddy is going to wake up
-Me thinking about my last day with Shane

But I am in tears. I want to go home, but I can't. I am going home in a couple of weeks.. but I want to now. I keep thinking of my last day with Shane.. then I remembered a couple of words we shared for a minute and I lost it.

Shane said: 3 years is a long time, Cass
I said: Yea, but they will go by SO fast

I can't get that small conversation out of my head. Those are the only words I remember.. BUT had I known, I would have fought tooth and nail for us to stay in America. Had I known, I would have been the one to come to America after my being gone a year, instead of mom and Britt coming to me. Had I known- I would have hugged him a little longer.

I'm not good with emotions.. so with all of us crying.. I am sure I was rushing the hugs. I remember when we first got to the airport.. My luggage was too heavy.. and I was just trying as we tried to adjust it. I remember Shane and Greg dealing with it mostly. I remember Shane getting in my face and telling me to calm down.

I remember:
his smile
his laugh
his sense of humor
his voice
his HANDS

I remember all of the good and bad.. Gosh, I need my brother back. This isn't fair.. life isn't fair. Here we are inching our way to the year mark. Tuesday is a year since I last talked to him...

I don't ever want to forget. EVER.

Thanksgiving

"I will enter His gates with Thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise... I will rejoice for He has made me glad."

I try to live my life with Thanksgiving in my heart! I like to think I am a pretty thankful person! We just celebrated Thanksgiving without Daddy here with us .. and without Shane at all. Times are hard, but we carry on and remember what we are thankful for.

Thank you GOD!!! For my husband, my son, my family, my health, my friends, my job, my dog, my home, my experiences, my convictions, my salvation, forgiveness, my heart, etc. Thank you

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Halloween

I can't believe it has been over a month since I have written.

Noah- He is now seven months.. and going everywhere. He has taken a step several times. I feel like he will be walking sooner rather than later. He is into everything and saying MAMA all the time. He says PAPA every now and again.. I am trying to get him to say DADA! We shall see what he ends up doing. Him and Dezi have become awesome friends. Dezi enjoys him now and will bring her toys to him. Noah just laughs and laughs when she does this.. he doesnt understand throwing it yet, so we help him. Noah is very into MUSIC. His daddy has made him this way. It is adorable. He is just the light of our life. He makes one cute pumpkin too for Halloween. He eats pretty much what we eat and is still solely breastfed. I am very proud of this. When I had him my goal was six months.. to feed him for at least six months. That would mean I would only have to feed him for about a month after going back to work. But I had a nurse that talked to me about it when I was in the hospital and she talked about how important it was.. and her goal was to do it for one year. SO she did.. and she was a flight nurse.. so she was on flights a lot. So, I have continued. He feeds in the mornings and nights from me.. and I pump once, sometimes twice a day at school. It is working out great.

Nate: He is getting ready to leave us. As matter of fact, his expected departure date is less than a month away. When I hear him talking about the out processing he has done, it makes my stomach turn. This is going to be so hard.. when we skype. Watching Noah NOT be able to get to his daddy. Watchign Nate NOT being able to hold him and play with him. I am not sure I am ready for this- but really, what choice do I have. A couple pluses... my best friends (Kim and Abbey).. both of their husbands are gone at that time too. ... I will get to go home for two weeks at Christmas... and we PCS very shortly after Nate returns. We should find out pretty soon where we will be going. We have our fingers crossed for Dyess AFB in Abilene.. that would be AWESOMe. Right there with my sister AND only 5 hours from home!! Nate will be missing Christmas and Noah's 1st birthday.. So, we are celebrating Christmas in November and Noahs bday when he gets back. I guess.. ready or not.. its gonna happen.

Work: Is going great. I have an awesome bunch of kiddos. I just love them. They makes leaving Noah not as bad. It is a good thing I love them so much and my job... But my prayer is that Nate's heart will soften as we move back to America and he will consider letting me be a SAHM. I am looking into other options so I do not have to go back into the classroom as soon as we get home. But my biggest hurdle to get over with that is my husband.. But my heart is with Noah and that is where I WANT to be and where I FEEL I should be. So, I guess we shall see.

October: Has gone by so fast. This month at home.. is a harder month. Yamboree, Treats on the Square, Halloween. Last year- Shane was there. This year.. he isnt. My mom is awesome. She has been so awesome with those kids the past 11 months. I can not believe we are about to hit the year mark on December 3rd. I am NOT ready for that. Time has gone fast and it angers me. Why has life gone on without my big brother? But I am so thankful that God gave me Noah.. he has been my saving grace this year. He has brought joy to me that I have never known int he hardest month of my life. There are days that I just break down.. and it is hard to recover sometimes. I hate when I do that on my way to work... it is hard. But I do not think that there has been a single day that has gone by that I have not thought about my brother. I dont understand it.. probably never will. But I have to believe he is loving every bit of heaven as he watches over his kiddos. I just ache for them.. for all of us. Selfishly, I ache because my son will never know his Uncle Shane. I am just soooo glad Shane knew I was having a boy before all that happened. Oh, December 3rd-- please slow down from getting here......

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Sara Sullivan

She battled cancer last year. She lived in Misawa and then had to leave to go fight breast cancer. She found out she was pregnant around the same time she had Cancer. A couple of weeks after having her beautiful daughter Chloe, she passed away. The year mark just passed. I have thought about this family a lot! I just watched his video and it can not help bring you to tears. I know the love that I have for my baby.. and it scares me I wont be here with him through his life. Then I think of Sara, like Shane, both robbed of watching their babies grow... I HATE it! My heart breaks for these families... If you have about seven minutes, take some time to watch this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDGX11VmCsU&feature=player_embedded#!
 
Posted by Picasa
 
Posted by Picasa
 


Allie Bug, Noah's best friend and girl friend!!
Posted by Picasa
 
Posted by Picasa
 
Posted by Picasa

Thursday, 23 September 2010

I Love my Son!



Noah LOVES this toy. He will hit it over and over again because he knows it is going to sing to him and the lamp is going to light up. He is just so darn cute! :) He tries to climb all over it.. he has a good ol' time! Today he has stood by himself for about 10 seconds a few times. This kid is SO much like his Daddy it is insane! I just love him. I can not even imagine my life without him anymore.

I had a great birthday. My besties put together a small dinner for me! It was so nice! :) I am loving work. Noah is loving his babysitter! Life is grand. Nate deploys in 2mths.. that sucks. Our best friends the Wades, her hubby is leaving tomorrow- it breaks my heart. He is one of my closest friends too! OH MY what will I do when we leave here in June?

*Here is to praying for orders to Abilene, Texas* Although I will NEVER find a job like I have!!!

Sunday, 19 September 2010

I am 27 Today

Today in Japan it is September 20th. Today I turn 27. Last year I remember Shane making fun of me for getting old and then picking on me that I couldnt have 2 birthdays- American AND Japanese.. he wouldnt tell me Happy Bday until it was the 2oth stateside. Man, how I wish he was here to tell me Happy Birthday this year! But here is to being 3 years away from the big 3-0.



It is really funny. I have barely thought of my birthday this year and quite frankly didnt even remember it today until I logged on FaceBook! It is funny what having Noah has changed for me! I love this kid!

Speaking of him. When he wakes up every morning.. he wakes up HAPPY! I pray he is always like this. I love walking in his room in the mornings when he has woken up or after nap time. He is always laughing, talking, and smiling. Of course now that he is ALL over teh place, this is how I find him... and we had to finally move his crib down! :)

My Top 10 Baby Must Haves!

Took this idea from a friends blog! Thanks Alexa. After about six months of being a Mommy -- this would be my TOP 10 of what I MUST have..

1. Lanolin Cream! This stuff was a complete life saver during the first weeks of having Noah. Truly I have not had to use it much since the first month.. but man, it worked miracles during that time! We have actually been able to use it for other awesomeness as well. But I highly recommend this to all breast feeding mommies out there!!



2. Medela Double Pump! Man, I love this thing! I have a single pump that I recieved for a baby gift. A fellow teacher loaned me this double pump and THANK GOD I have it. If she had not loaned it to me, I would have had to buy one- it works miracles for a WORKING breastfeeding mommy. Even before I started working again, man.. I Love it!! I know when we have our next baby, Lord willing, I will be purchasing one of these for myself.



3. NICE Camera! Every new Mommy needs their very own super nice camera. I am so thankful that my hubby bought me my new camera. It is so fun taking pictures of my Noah now that I know I can get good ones! My goal is to understand how to take such awesome pictures that I never have/want to take him for other professional ones! Thanks Baby for my camera.



4. Little Tummy Gas Drops! Man, these things were a lifesaver in the first few months. Mr. Noah suffered from gas a lot- and these just worked. Man, oh man!! We could have bought stock in the them first three months. We really have not used them near as much as we use too.. but they were awesome in the early months. They sure helped my boy not be in pain over food that I chose to eat.



5. Liquid Baby Powder! We were just recently introduced to this when it was given to us. Man, I love this SO much better than regular baby powder. With the regular powder it seems that I was always getting it all over me! However- note to self! Never put it on you when your chaffing. Poor Nate used it when he was... and man, it burned like heck!!



6. Boppy Pillow! This thing was AWESOME the first month.. and continued to be awesome the first few months after. I do not use it as much to breastfeed now, because we have the hang of it. But it is great for Noah to lay on. Also.. if you travel- as we did from Japan to Texas.. man, it was awesome to use on the plane.. Especially to feed him!



7. Moby Wrap! Man, I LOVE this thing. Of course these days he is a little chunk who is just TOO big for it! But it sure worked wonders for me when he was younger. It helped a lot during our trip home as well.. especially when it was just me and him! I will definitly use this for future children.



8. Skype! This is such a wonderful use of technology. Noah definitly knows his Gammy, TawTaw, and Aunt Brittany because we skype regulary. Noah's daddy will be deployed soon adn this will be our saving grace. Thank you Lord for SKYPE! This is a must have for anyone that does not live near their family.. it makes youfeel like you are right next door.



9. Breastfeeding Cover! This thing helped me a lot when people were around. I never wanted to feel secluded around my friends (guys.. girls I just pop it out).. so this always helped me hide what I was doing.. but still be involved. It helps if you have a cute one!



10. Jogging Stroller! I have loved ours. I may not jog with it so much- but just taking my Noah for walks. He loves it and has been using it since day 1. We started putting him in the actual seat of it when he was just a couple of months old. Before that we just used his carseat and attached it on there! Worked wonders!



What a wonderful list of AWESOMENESS!!

My favorite Toys!

Noah has so many toys! I have founid a few on our Virtual YardSale site here in Misawa.. and then some have been given to us. Today he got a lot of new toys from a friend.. we are so thankful. But up until today, his favorite has been his wagon! :) He just loves it! This is his wagon...



We took this wagon camping with us and it kept him and Allie occupied all weekend! Sweet babies. Today he got his first TONKA truck.. and a couple of other trucks. But by far, today, his favorite is his Vtech Learning Walker. HE loves it. The front of it comes off and he can play with it on the floor.. so he is sitting by me, playing with 'his computer.' Man, I love this kid.



Okay, my child is attacking me adn the computer- more to come later!

Saturday, 18 September 2010

I'm a Big Boy!

It is so sad that I have grown up so fast. My mommy tears up often thinking about how much I am growing up! I have done things so fast and it has not suprised my Daddy one bit, but mommy sits in amazement all of the time. Daddy told everyone when I was born that I would be a fast learner- and I am. I am a lot like my daddy. And oh, how I love him. They keep talking about something called a deployment and how hard it is going to be for Daddy to be away from me. That makes ME sad that my Daddy will be away from me. But I dont want to make this blog entry sad, I know my mommy already does that enough. But here is a picture of me my first day of life and then after that is me today- standing up on our TV stand. I am so big. I love my life though. Mommy says that my Uncle Shane would love me.. I love him too.



Friday, 17 September 2010

First Cold

My little boy got his first cold. It took almost six months. Poor guys, he has struggled with breathing.. and after a long night of being up and down last night, I managed to finally get him comfy enough to sleep. I had to put some of this on him...



I brought Noah to bed with us because he was just to pitiful.. oh and perhaps I enjoy cuddling at night a little too much. Daddy wakes up and asks me WHAT smells like Ginger so much.. HEHE!

The other thing that has been a life saver through the night is this sucker thing.. Frist time I have had to use it. He is a big boy and does well with it! I sure love this kids!

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Pretty Cool

I probably have the best son ever. Watching
him grow and learn is SO fun. Today I watched
in amazement as he 'stood' on his knees. His
back was straight up and he was just playing...

and then, wouldnt you know. he grabbed a hold
of his toy and STOOD right up.

my big boy- and he isnt even six months old yet!

he is my favorite.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

Letter

Shane,

I miss you brother. A.LOT. I miss our talks and laughing. It makes me sad because I think of all the times we missed out on things together... because I thought you would always be there. Life is so different without you. And sometimes it sucks. I am so thankful that God gave me Noah when he did... because Noah has helped me continue living. I have been dreaming about you more often. The past two dreams stay with me.. The first one you told me 'I am okay.' And the last one you asked me 'Can I hold him?' Your the best big brother ever. Forever if I am asked if I have brothers and sisters.. I will say yes, an older brother and a younger sister. Sometimes I wonder where you are, what you are doing. My faith has definitly been shaken through all of this. There are so many reasons why you should still be here. Yet, you arent. I can not understand it. I miss you. I watch families around me arguing over minut things, not talking to each other, disowning each other, not loving each other, etc. It makes me mad. I do not understand. It makes me even madder because you see- these families that surround me acting this way- they havent lost their son or brother.. becuase if they had.. surely things would be different for them, right? I listen to people that do not know of my personal life complaining about their siblings and well.. I just want to yell.. AT LEAST YOURS IS STILL HERE. I love you brother. 9+ months have passed and it makes me mad and sad. I didnt think we would be able to move on.. and honestly I feel guilty. Like I said.. I am SO thankful God put Noah in my life at that time. He has been my saving grace. You told me being a parent was amazing. Wow bro, you were right. I have never been happier in my life. The only thing that could make me any happier would be that you were still here and you had met your little nephew. I love you... and miss you... SO MUCH.
Your Little Sister

Friday, 3 September 2010

9 months

3 more months and it will be a year since we lost Shane. Gosh, I miss my brother SO bad. Today, 9-3 is 9 months since the wreck. Life has continued.. and some days are better than others.. but all in all, it just sucks. I am so thankful for the joy of my life- Noah. Without my baby I dont know how I would have made it through this. I mean, I would have... because you have too.. but it would be hard.. this is my moms blog from today:

September 3
Today is Sept 3rd. It's been 9 mths now since life as we knew was changed forever. It's still so hard. The kids are still missing him and thinking of him. Ashtyn or Addi will say something out of the blue. Especially Ashtyn and he remembers so vividly. its amazing really. It's so sad to me that they tell people "My Daddy died". But they say it and it's the truth so......
I took Shane some new fall color flowers yesterday and removed some of the other faded flowers, it's so sad. I used to take him toilet paper or paper towels and maybe help him pick up around his house. But now I'm taking him flowers to the cemetery and picking up little bits and pieces of stuff around his grave. It's not fair! I know life's not fair but with so many bad people running around why my son? I know he was not without fault, ha! We all know he made some bad choices in his life but for his kids he settled down worked and took care of them loved them so completely, it just doesn't make since, but it never will so here we go, Life we keep on and make the best of it and try to live it for him, if he can't be here then we will carry on. Take care of his kids, love them and love the life we have, even if the smile is sometimes just a fraud..... but sometimes they are genuine.....

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

My Heart

My heart hurts tonight. I just finished reading yet another story of another child going through something they should not have too. It seems I am always falling upon blogs, reading on facebook to pray, etc. stories of young children that are sick.. fighting for the lives- and some losing. It makes me SICK! I pray that God protects my Noah.. keeps him healthy. It is just such a scary world we live in... and anything can happen. My heart hurts for the mommys and daddys of these small children.. and it always seems the kids -- are SO strong!! It is truly amazing.

On a lighter note, I go back to work tomorrow.. kiddos come Monday. I have gotten a lot completed in my classroom thanks to Abbey and Kim! Without them, well, I would have been spending the night in my classroom. Pray for our cooler weather to come. It hasnt been this hot here since we have lived here.. so going all day in 90+ weather, with no AC.. isnt fun...

Blessings.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

School Year 2010-2011

Well the trip to Texas was amazing. An amazing month that we wish could have gone on and on. I enjoyed spending all of our time with family. I really enjoyed watching everyone with my Noah. Grandma loooved him. Moma loved him. He is a TawTaw's boy! :) Gammy and TawTaw spoiled him with a ton of new clothes!! :) Noah and I stayed about 11 days later than Nate.. and we went, along with Gammy to Abilene to visit Aunt Brittany and Uncle Meguell. It was a wonderful trip. Then we, Noah and I, ventured back to Japan.. alone! He did well. My baby is an AWESOME world traveler.

It was really sad being home without my brother. I visited his grave.. once with mom and Britt.. and then I went by myself. I didnt think that I could handle it, but I knew I had too. So I took my Noah and we went to 'visit' him. I just cried. I just let go and cried. It was SO hard. But.. I finally have a peace. I truly believe my brother is wrapped in the arms of Christ watching over all of us. I am still very confused why he was taken from this world, leaving his amazing three children here. But I am so thankful that I am still able to be a part of their lives... even from thousands of miles away. I did go to Shane's house.. ONCE. It was around 10pm, so it was dark, and I stayed on the side of the house. I know it is hard for the family/friends that live out there to understand WHY I didnt come out there. BUT! That house is more than my brothers house to us. That is the house that WE grew up in WITH HIM. That house has so many memories. THAT is the house that Shane was going to grow old in with his children. So, I made the choice to go out there late to see Brian.. but I was there for only a few minutes and NEVER, EVER went inside. I have no desire to be out there on that property. I drove past the wreck site several times. I was blessed to see that the cross was still on the tree and the fake flowers were still in the ground on the other side of the road. I figured the cross was there.. because Craig and Brian had screwed it to the tree.. but I was really hoping those flowers were on the other side. Those flowers are there because the little girl that lives in the house on that property put them there.. that is where my brother was lying.. and she wanted him to have something for Christmas. I was sooo amazed and happy that after almost 8 months... they were still there. I love my brother- he loves me. I really enjoyed sharing the good memories aloud with my family.

The kids are great. I miss those munchkins. I wish I could have spent more time with them. It was much harder this time for two reasons.. one.. I have my own child now. I had to take Noah between my house and NAte's house and it was hard to have other kids with me. and two.. Shane wasnt there. Normally I will get the kids and take them to Shane at night. Things just arent that simple anymore. But I truly believe God has a plan.. I do.

School starts on the 30th. I go back on the 25ht. My friends have been helping me get my class together. I am really excited. I have moved to third grade. I have only taught 5ht and 7th grade .. so this is a welcomed change!! I still have a lot to do.. but it is all slowly coming together. I will head home in December because Nate is due to deploy. So my two weeks off for Christmas- I am heading home. Another looong trip with just Noah and me!

Have I told you lately how much I love being a mommy? I really feel blessed that God allowed Noah to be placed into my care! I pray that I always have this healthy, happy baby boy!!

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Texas, here we come

As I write this my Noah is sitting up using his boppy pillow watching a Disney movie! He just finished eating his rice cereal and applesauce.. he LOVED it. Yesterday and today have been.... wierd. Noah has been quite clingy to me and whiney.. he isnt normally a whiney baby. Perhaps.. perhaps he understands when Mommy tells him that we are going to have to share eachother when we get to Texas! :) What do you think? I just love him. He is growing up so fast. He is now rolling both ways and began working with a sippy cup today. He is sooo sweet.

I am reading a book.. and I found a quote that has become my prayer for my trip home..

"Lord, give me the Strength to be Weak"
I am not a weak person and I certainly do not show my weakness.. when I write in here.. I am writing things that I normally do not talk about- in regards to my brother. But I have to DEAL with his death this trip home, I HAVE to. So, truly- I need strength to be weak. That is quite sad that I have to pray that God will help me be weak. But I know I need to go to his graveside.. I know I need to go talk to him... I need to see his headstone. I need to do all of this. And.. I think I need to do it alone. Although that thought, totally- freaks me out!!!

I am very excited for this trip home. But I am very sad at the same time. I am sad that my brother will not be there to give me one of his hugs.. I am sad that he will not get to meet his precious nephew.. and I am sad that he will not be there to bug the crap out of me and give me a hard time. I am sad that I wont get to watch him father his children this trip-- and I am nervous to hear them talk about him. It has been almost 8 mths since I last spoke with him. ... and all I want is to call him.. or to get annoyed with his million calls.. but still laugh and love him through the annoyance! Gosh, I miss him.

I can not wait to see my grandma with Noah... I just CAN NOT wait. She is the first person that will get him when we land. She can not wait. We are very close.. and I know she loves him so much- I just can not wait to see her with him.. and for him to give her one of his amazing smiles.

Then my sis.. I can not wait for her to get there and meet him1! She is going to love him. She says it is sooo wierd still to know that Noah is MY child.. but she is the most AWESOME aunt EVER!! And Noah is going to loooove her.

My mom... I think Noah will remember her voice when he heras her. He skypes with her often.. and laughs and talks to her.. and he stares so intently... It is so sweet.

Please pray for safe travels.. as we leave in a few short hours!!!

Be blessed. And again I pray that the Lord will give me the strength to be weak.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Fireworks and Toy Story

I would be okay if I never saw fireworks again. We watched them on the 5th of July here.. because it was so foggy on the 4th that they were postponed. Luckily Noah was sleepy, so I walked him around and then sat at a table in front of our group of friends... This was good for me because I was able to .. be me. Shane LOVED fireworks. Every year he would get them and fire them off for his kids.. Every Year. Those kids LOOOVE fireworks.. and love running around with sparklers.It has been many years since I have been home for the 4th.. but I have always seen pictures.. as I did this year. The only people missing from my family were me and Shane. Difference is, I am still able to go.. he isnt. So, all that to say- Forget Fireworks.

Kim and I were watching Toy Story 1 and 2 today, preparing ourselves to go see Toy Story 3. I was reminded during the first one how my brother watched that movie over and over and OVER!!! He looooved it. He had the cowboy and Buzz Light year. Matter of fact, Buzz is now at my moms house still in the box. He even had a huge Buzz on his wall.. So sad. Memories.. they make you smile and cry.

7 days until Texas. At least I made it past the 9 day mark, I guess.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

July 4th

Once again I am spending July 4th away from East Texas while my WHOLE family is together. Lucky for me they have skype and skype with me. There are two differences this year: I have Noah to entertain me as I am alone AND my brother is not in East Texas enjoying the 4th and giving me a hard time via skype or the phone for not being there. It is so sad how life has to go on. I wish I could just rewind to the day 2+ years ago that I left.. and stay there.. but add Noah to the mix.

I go home in 11 days. I am beyond ready. I can not wait for everyone to meet Noah. I do hope that being with my family will make it so much easier to just deal with everything at home. Not having Shane .. sucks. I do not know how else to put it. No one can ever truly understand this kind of loss until you go through it. It is terrible.

Shane's best friend, Brian, found out his daddy died on the 27th. I hurt for B. His birthday is in June too.. and he had a hard time on Shane's bday because they use to party together... and Shane was no longer here. And then to top it off, he found out of his daddy's death ON Shane's birthday. I hurt for him and i can not wait to hug him and for Noah to meet his Uncle Brian. I know that B will never take the place of my brother- but I also know that he will try his darndest to be the uncle that Shane WOULD HAVE been to Noah. And for that-- I am SO thankful.

My boy makes me happy. I am sooo proud of him and everything he does. I love him so much and I love being a mommy. This transition to mommyhood has not been challenging for me and I am sooo thankful. There were times in the beginning that I questioned myself about things- but all in all, it has been AWESOME. I can not believe he is 3mths old.. where does the time go?

Have a Happy 4th everyone!

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

June 30, 2010

A day I wish could have just not happened this year. This would have been my big brother's 30th birthday. In previous years.. I would have already been talking to him for a couple of weeks about what he wanted for his birthday.. and most likely in the end, I would have just given him money! :) My brother was a funny guy... oh how I miss him. I mentioned in a previous post that this has been a very hard month. And it has. I think about him constantly. I see his face, her his voice, just all of the memories. 15 days from now, his birthday, I go home. And he wont be there. Chloe, Shane's oldest, wants to cook a cookie cake for her daddy and make shirts for her, the other kids, and her Daddy. This is just how she is dealing with it. I am so glad that my mom is strong enough to do these things with her. Because once again, I am thankful that I am not there to be a part of this.. because emotionally, I probably couldn't handle it. HOWEVER, how I really wish that I could be with my family today.

I told my sister yesterday that I dreaded today. She didn't understand why- because in America, the next day was only the 29th. Then she understood. She said it kinda sucks because I have to have the 30th for a little longer. No, it wont be the 30th in Japan for two days... but I will know it IS his birthday in the states even when it is July 1st here.. It sucks.

I miss you Shane, every last thing about you. I keep thinking about how you would just hug me.. and I wish I could have that hug again. My heart hurts for your kids, but I know that you are watching moma keep your memory alive... and doing the things you would be doing with them. You will always be my big brother and when asked how many brothers and sisters I have- I will always have two... my older brother and my younger sister.

I love you.

I miss you.

Happy 30th Birthday.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Routine

Noah will be 3 months old in 4 days. It is so hard to believe that everything has gone by so fast. It amazes me that I have only been his mommy for three months though, I do not remember not having him barely. Neither of us feel like we are missing anything now that we have him. As Nate said, 'our life is so much more fun.' People really just don't seem to understand when I say I DESIRE to be with Noah. I have no desire to go out without him, do things without him, etc. Now, Nate and I will go out without him... but we NEED that for our marriage. But me- I dont WANT to leave him with Daddy when I go to the store just because Daddy is home. I seem to ALWAYS want Noah with me. I have had so many people make comments to me like: 'just wait' 'that will change' 'it is all so new for you now'... I do not want it to change. EVER. I want to always WANT to be with him. I have one friend that LOVES being with her kids... always wants to do things with them... I hope I can be that way. I hope that I can always be as happy as I am now. I feel like this is what I was made to do: Be a Mommy.

Anyways.. I think we are finally into a routine. Before it seemed that everytime I thought we might be into one... well he would change it. But for about the past month, things have been the same. He has really grown out of the fussy stages he went through in the first 8 weeks.. he has been doing GREAT. This seems to be our daily routine:

630-700: Wake up, Eat, Play
800-830: Nap time (very important nap time for him)
930-1000: Eat, Play
1230-100: Nap
100-300: Eat, Play
300-330: Nap
330-530: Play, Cook Dinner, Sit at the Table while Mommy and Daddy eat dinner, Eat
530-600: Nap (very important nap time for him)
700- Begins our nightly routine
*We usually play some more until 730
*In high chair.. we eat rice cereal and now green beans
*Bath time
*Dry off, lotion up
*Naked time in bedroom with his lullubys playing (uslaly about 20 minutes)
*Story time
*Snack time with Mommy, Rock

830: Put in bed while he is still awake. Turn on his mobile.. Within 15 minutes he is asleep, sprawled out, no pacy! And.. he hasnt been crying, it has been good. I hope this routine keeps going!! :)

I am SO in love with Noah... this is not exagerrated at all.. I never knew I could love like this.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Hard Times

For the past few days I have really been having a hard time with everything. June is a month that I have been dreading for six months. It hit the sixth month mark since MY BROTHER died in a car wreck, sixs months since I recieved the phone call and had to journey home with a broken heart with Red Cross, one week shy of when I had tickets to go home for my baby sisters wedding. Six months since I walked in the door at my moms house around 830pm on a Saturday night with tons of family and friends there, six months since I sat next to Chloe, Shane's oldest, and she whispered to me 'did you hear about my Daddy?'... Six months since my life changed FOREVER!

I had just talked to Shane a couple of days before.. he had been to the ER because his back was really bad, I remember this. I had not been able to get a hold of him, I left a message.. I NEVER left messages for him :) He called me back but I was at work... he left a message.. that I still have. Congratulating me on my little boy- exciting to him to finally be an uncle.. and for Ashtyn to have a boy cousin on our side.. We talked later. How I miss talking to my random brother. There have been a lot of times throughout these six months in the early mornings of my getting ready I think I should call Shane- I still do it. And... I can't. Noahs room has three pictures of Shane in it. Noahs room is very calm and relaxing.. and it is normally in Noahs room where I break down the most...and usually while hodling my sweet baby boy... praying I never have to go through what my mom has had to go through and that Noah never has to go through what Addi, Ashtyn, and Chloe are all going through. It breaks my heart- all of it.

Then Father's Day came. I honestly dealt with all of it the best I could that day. I didn't go to church.. and just hung out around my house. I went to the FD for dinner with Nate.. and I did push a lot of my pain out of my mind.. because along with that pain, i had a lot of excitement.. Nate's first Daddy's Day. But that didn't take away the pain while skyping with my nephew Ashtyn.. he wanted to show me the rose he got for his daddy.. or the Father's Day card he made his TawTaw (my moms husband)... or when I hear from moma that the first thing Addi said on Father's Day when she woke up was 'can i take my rose to daddy?'.... Really? 3,4,8 years old.. they seem to be able to go to the place where Shane is.. and yell out Daddy.. and yet, here I am 26.. and I just can not deal with it... and they have lost so much more than I have... at least I had a life with my brother. My heart breaks that Noah will never nkow him.. but at least Noah has his daddy- those babies do not. I just do not understand.

And then... his birthday is coming up. He was going to be 30 on the 30th. I have a friend that has a baby being born and she is due on the 30th.. I plan to go there when she has her, but man, I pray it is not on the 30th.. that is going to be a rough day for me.. I am glad Nate has to work. I handle things better alone.. Last year mom and Britt were here. He wanted Japanese stuff for his house for his birthday. So we bought him all kinds of stuff... and they took it home to him. My brother was always so funny.. and how I miss him. I have dreaded his birthday since the day I found out about his wreck. How do I sit here 6 months later.. in such pain still? Praise God he has given me some joy- Noah. When all of that happened with Shane, I truly did not think I was going to be happy when noah was born.. I am so thankful for my boy and never want to take a single moment for granted.

I find myself thinking about Shane alot. I see Shane in Noah sometimes and I have more than one person that has told me that Noah kinda looks like him. i found myself chewing on my bottom lip the other day.. I was skyping with my mom, we were talking about Shane.. and I started doing it. Shane use to do that.. I do not think my mom noticed.. and when I realized what I was doing- I stopped. All Shane ever wanted frome me was to move closer home.. he would happy to know that we are finally at a point in our life that we are okay coming closer to home. We know that were we go next, in one year, is where we are suppose to be- and if it is in the states.. that is great. I just hate that it took my brothers death for me to realize what he always tried to tell me "money isnt that important." Oh and how he lived by that. Shane struggled... but he knew what was important.. family. I also know that family is important.. but we are always thinking about the future, the future.. so what happens if our future is ripped out from under us.

I find myself thinking of the day mom, britt, and i cleaned out his house. He lived in our childhood house. I VIVIDLY remember the main thing that go to me when I was there. Mind you, we were all in a zone-- and it almost just felt like we were helpign him clean his house- as we have all done before... But when I saw next to his bed- his cell phone charger- still plugged into the wall.. I couldnt handle it. I remember telling mom, britt, or both of them.. that what upsets me so much is that Shane woke up to go to work, did what he normally does, and NEVER ONCE thought that he was not going to be back home, charging his cell phone, sleeping in his bed that night.. or ever again. Isn't that what we all do.. live day by day... thinking nothing will happenn to us.

And here I sit- 3 weeks from coming home. Six months ago right now, I was also counting down.. When July 7 gets here.. that is going to eb another hard day. That is my 9 DAYS countdown mark.. the same place I was at on my countdown when I got that terrible call from my amazing mom... I need to make it over that day. I need to get home this time with everyone there.. and we need to arrive safely. We need this. I need my family and I need to show off my son. It is going to be so hard not hvaing Uncle Shane there.. he was so proud of us.. and so happy to be an uncle.

Time keeps going.. and in some ways it does get easier... I think the months of June and December are always going to be hard months.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Daddy's Day

So today is Nathan's first Father's Day... he has to work! :) A couple of nights ago we took our dinner, curry and rice, and went and had a picnic on suicide hill- a hill on base that overlooks the lake on base, it was very pretty. I'll say that was in part celebrating Daddy's Day.. not really, but it sounds good! When Nate came home from work on Saturday morning we made a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Then he opened his gifts, 6 new silk ties, a $50 itunes giftcard (for his new ipod touch he just got for his birthday), and a book from Noah. :) We spent a great day together and then some time with friends later that night.

Nathan is such a great daddy. He surpasses anything that I ever thought about... it took a minute for him to adapt to it, but now- he is AWESOME. He loves his boy so much and they have fun together. I fall in love over and over again when I see the two of them interacting together. We have really been spending a lot of time with just us lately. It was nice to hang out with friends last night... but I think we have both been enjoying our family time.

In a week we are going camping. Normally we have the Wade's with us to go... they are out of town. Last year we did take a second camping trip- just the two of us, it was GREAT. So, we are going just the three of us this year. Perhaps we will find time in August to go with our friends.. although I doubt it because we have all taken leave for at least a month this summer.

We head home on 15 July-- so ready.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Happy Mommy

I took Noah running this afternoon... not too far, but hey, I ran! :) As we ran, I was making him smile and laugh- anyone that passed me thought I was crazy I am sure. I realized right then that I do not think I have smiled as much in my adult life as I have since having Noah. This little boy has certainly made my world complete. I have to say- becoming a Mommy was not hear as hard as I expected it to be. It did...COME NATURAL. I have loved every minute of it. There has not been a moment that has gone by that I have questioned what I am doing as a mommy... i love it, I love him. This little boy is the light of my world... and he has finally started setting into a routine. Noah is a very happy baby. For the most part he doesnt cry- unless he is tired or hungry. He laughs and smiles almost constantly.. except his Daddy gets him to laugh a WHOLE lot more than mommy! :) He has rolled over, held onto his toys, played with his toys.. he is getting so big, so fast.

Sunday he will be 12 weeks.. that means Sunday is 12 weeks since I had him. It is PAST time to get set on working out and eating right. It is time!

School is out. Noah survived with Abbey! Abbey and Ryan have now left for the states and they are gone a month. They do not get back until we are already gone. 2 months without the Wade's.. gonna be hard for this Shaw family.

Yes, on the 15th of July we head to Texas again. I can not wait for everyone to meet Noah. I am very nervous about being there though. I do not know how I am going to handle my brother NOT being there. I know that I have not dealt with all of this- it almost seems easier.. not too. I just pray that God guides me and is with me when I get home and have to deal with all of this again. My poor mom.. deals with it on a day to day basis. I get to see her, britt, and grandma.. and I can not wait for Gma and BT to meet Noah!!

Now.. to spend my summer with my little boy!! I looooove playing with him and talkign to him. I never get bored with him.. and I LOVE IT!!!

Monday, 31 May 2010

D.R.E.A.D.I.N.G. I.T.

Here I sit, the Eve of my first real day back at work. Some would think I am crazy because I only have three weeks until school is out for the summer. I am blessed that I have been able to take the past 10 weeks off to be with my little boy and I am even more blessed that the career I chose years ago gives me summers off. But here it is, almost 11pm, and I can not go to sleep. I D.R.E.A.D leaving Noah tomorrow. Sure, I have worked a few times already-- but the fact that I know tomorrow starts my really going back to work- hurts my heart. I am going to miss my sweet boy. No one calms him like I do, so of course I am going to worry. This starts the next three weeks of him eating from a bottle 2-3 times during the day. I am so not ready for that.

What about our morning cuddle time? Our good morning smiles? Our morning cleaning chores? All of these small things that I have grown to love about having my little man... begin to stop tomorrow morning. I can not wait until Saturday already. I love this little munchkin and I strongly envy stay at home moms. I want to be the one that he is always with- the one that teaches him everything-- and then watches him do it.

Oh geez.. the more I sit here thinking about it, the less I like the thought. This blog was just to let everyone know that I go back to work tomorrow and YES I am having a hard time with it. THIS, coming from the girl that has said all along that it would sooo not be hard, I would be ready, being a stay at home mom is not for me.. PHEW, that was before I met my perfect baby. But I will go.. and with a joyful heart.. and enjoy my last few weeks with my other kiddos.

Please pray for me tomorrow.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Being a Mommy

Is the best gift that I have ever been given. I am so grateful that the Lord thought that I could do this. I feel blessed for the son he gave me. Noah is perfect and he loves his mommy and daddy. We are heading to the states on 15 July. I am so ready for my sister and grandma to meet Noah. Nate will be there almost three weeks and I will be able to stay almost a month.. so excited.

Noah is smiling and laughing all over- it is sooo precious. I love waking up to his smile every morning... and I LOOOOVE making him smile by smiling at him and telling him that I looove him.

He is growing so fast- already two months. He is such a strong baby and loooves to stand up, with help of course. His head is super strong.. and he just seems to be moving right along at a steady pace!

I love being a mommy. I was so scared I would not be able to do it, but I truly feel that I have gotten it down. Nate and I are doing great together-- and even better as parents. He is a wonderful Daddy and I loove watching him with Noah. I truly feel blessed to have the husband that I have and to have the son that I have.

Nate and I attended a LOVE RECONNECTION class put on my the chapel.. and can i tell you- it has made such a difference in our lives together. Words can not even exprress it..

:)

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Going Back to Work

This will be my last week off of work. When I go back I will have been out of work almost 10 weeks. I am so blessed with such an awesome principal that truly let me take all of the time I wanted. It is time for me to go back and finish the year with my kids, but I am not going to lie- it is going to be so hard. I am so thankful that God brought Abbey into my life. We will be best friends forever and I know this. I am so thankful for her willingness to help me out with Noah. It is simply amazing. So on June 1st I will go back to work. School ends on the 17th... so not too long! :) Just a brief update on my status of work..lol

Friday, 14 May 2010

NoAh

I love him. I love being his mommy... I just love life. I truly can not imagine my life without him anymore. He has been the greatest joy in my life lately. God has given me the most amazing gift. I have really stepped into this mommyhood thing pretty well. I am still out of work. I took off of work until June 1st.. which then he will be a little over 9 weeks old. Noah and I have really been enjoying our time together. Being a mommy is not as hard to me as so many people have led me to believe it is in the early stages. I love getting up to feed him in the middle of the night, I love the bond that we have. Noah and I have had this mommy/son bond from the very beginning and I am so thankful for it.

He is such a strong boy. He loves laying on the floor and playing around. He holds his head up high.. He plays on his own in his crib or pack and play.. AND he wakes up so happy and smiling. He fits right into our little family because Nate, me, and Dezi ALL wake up happy in the mornings usually! We are a morning family! :) Noah loves bath time. He really enjoys it and it relaxes him. He is finally enjoying riding in his carseat AND his swing. I started thinking for a while that he may never like his swing or bouncy chair, but he is coming around. He has the most beautiful smile.. if you have me on facebook you have seen pictures! That smile can make me melt at anytime.

I love rocking him at night. I do not really rock him to sleep, he prefers to lay by himself and fall asleep or just lay on me. But after his bath I rock him. We rock and say our prayers.. and I can tell you- more times then not I break down during our nightly prayer times.. I am soooo THANKFUL for this gift God has given me. I just pray over Noah's life. ... My grandma taught me this. She would pray for all of us and our future life and mate all the time when we were young. Then my prayers lead to my family-- my brother and I just CRY!

I miss Shane so much. I just HURT that he will never be called Uncle Shane to his face. Sometimes it hits me still that my brother is gone and I just get sick, physically. It does not seem right. It isn't right. When things are going crazy at home I once again question WHY!?! I know God has a plan and a reason but I can not undersatnd it. It is sooo hard not to become bitter or angry. But his three children are being raised now without a daddy. There will be another man to step in since they are so young and I do not think it is right. I get so upset too because I know the love Shane had for Chloe. Addi. Ashtyn... and I understand it now that I have Noah. I DO NOT want some other woman raising my son. I want to live a long life and be with him.. but I now live with this fear that I will leave just like Shane.

I know for a fact that I have not dealt with my brothers death. Rushing to the states because he had passed away, helping my mom settle things we had to settle, my sister getting married, Christmas, baby showers, then it was time to come home. There was a lot of technical things going on when I went home for his funeral. Then I come back to JApan- where Shane isnt even normally at. .... so this is normal for me. We have tickets home July-August. I know it is going to be SO hard for me then.. to not see him, to go to his graveside, to just realize.

I am so thankful that Noah is a boy. I was really like 'uh oh' at frist becuse I had no clue what I was going to do with a boy-- but God knows and I am so thankful for my son. When we went to our 23 week ultrasound they would not tell us what he is. At that time they would not tell you in Japan on base, but we had a 4D scheduled when we were going to Texas for Britt's wedding.. but Nate SWORE it was a boy.. so made me tell everyone. SO.. I did. The week before my brother died I called him several times to tell him.. but he had been asleep because he was on medication because he had hurt his back. I finally just left him a message telling him he was going to be an Uncle to a little boy-- and I went to work. At work that day I had a voicemail from him congratulating me on the little boy and telling me he was excited Ashtyn would have a boy cousin! :) I talked to him the next day.. within the next few days is when he had his wreck... I just prayed and prayed that Nate was right and that Noah WAS a little boy.. I didn't know if I could handle it if he wasnt a boy since I had told my brother he was!!!

Thank you God for my son. For my husband. For my family. And for my amazing friends in Misawa. Thank you for giving me the best gift of all... mommyhood!

Friday, 2 April 2010

03.28.2010

The Day I Became A Mommy...

On Saturday the 27th, I spent all day out and about with the husband and friends. Nate had a bowling function that evening so I was going with him. Before we left the house, around 515, I felt a small 'gush' of water. It was something I had never felt before.. I Was like, "oh, wow..." Nate and I headed on to the bowling alley and I felt once again that small 'gush' of water. At this time we decided to head to Labor and Delivery since I was 40 weeks, 4 days pregnant. So.. this began our long journey of bringing our sweet baby boy into this world. It was determined that the small gushes were nothing to be too concerned about, but my blood pressure was. During the last 4 weeks of pregnancy, my blood pressure was up a bit. The doctor chose to keep me and go ahead and induce the next morning since they were already going to induce on Wednesday anyways. :)

Our friends, the Wade's headed to get our stuff from our house and to get Dezi. They got to the hospital around 10pmish and hung out until about midnight. The hospital was so great at letting me have my friends there--- there was never an issue. Around 11pm, the doctor came in and checked me and found that I was 1 centimeter dialated and 50% effaced and Noah was still at station 3. We had a long ways to go. The doctor then put a bulb inside me that would help me dilate to a 4-5 and then fall out. At 1am, the bulb fell out. I was shocked and scared because we did not expect the bulb to fall out a mere 2 hours later. But then I was excited too. It did not take too long for the bulb to fall out, so this must mean that I was going to dialate pretty easily. We were sure that I was at least a 4 at this point. Nate had to sleep in a chair because we were actually in a Labor and Delivery Room. He did get some sleep, although I am sure quite uncomfy. I did not get much sleep. I was just thinking and thinking. A part of me was scared out of my mind, the other part was quite excited. I remember looking at the clock at 3am again and telling myself that I had to go to sleep. Shift change in the hospital was at 6am and I knew that the new nurse would be starting my induction. Once I was admitted I was not allowed to have any food or shower. I was really bummed about that. Also, let me add.. they had to draw blood from me.. and it took them 6, yes I said 6 pokes to get somewhere to draw blood. They also then had to put an IV in when they admitted me and it took another 4 sticks plus 2 gals from the ER to come and do it!! I was reallllly getting sick of that! :)

At the shift change I had an awesome new nurse come in that encouraged me to shower and to eat something before they began the pitocin and induction. Nothing sounded good to eat so Nate got me some cheese its, and I ate some trail mix and beef jerky. Not a lot though- I guess I was too anxious. The shower felt wonderful .. yet I could not help but think in the shower how this was the LAST time I would shower not being a mommy. Once I got out of the shower and got comfy in bed, the nurse came in with the pitocin. I was scared out of my mind. I wanted to avoid that at all costs because I truly wanted a NATURAL laboring process. I was determined to do this with no meds. However, I didn't really have much of a choice at this point- 4 days overdue.

They were going to turn the pitocin up two notches every 30 minutes to an hour. So, they started me at a 2. Around 10am Ryan and Abbey Wade showed up instead of going to church. They brought breakfast for Nathan and hung out with us. Shortly after, around 11am, Kim DeMoss showed up. Abbey and Kim were going to help me through the laboring process. Nate and Ryan sat in the corner of the room for the longest time playing cards. The three of us girls just hung out and had a good ol’ time. The nurse kept coming in and asking me what my pain was on a scale of 1-10. It was a very annoying question for me because how would I know what my pain level is if I have never been through this? Around noon I was at about an 8 on the Pitocin and Nate and Ryan decided to leave and go for a run. Kim had went to eat lunch with her husband, so they waited for her to get back because Abbey was going to head out and go get some lunch and freshen up at home. They all headed out about 1pm and the nurse put me up to a 10 on the Pitocin.. Kim was there laboring with me as the contractions began to get harder at times. We were watching them on the screen and she was helping me through each contraction. Again, the nurse wanted to know my pain level. By the time my level had gotten to about a 14 I then realized that they were going to keep pushing it up higher and higher as I kept telling them that it was only a 3 on a scale to 1-10.. lol. It took me that long to realize it. Eventually, not sure what time, everyone was back with me. At this point my contractions where terribly bad and I had all three of them laboring with me. Nate, Kim, and Abbey took turns rubbing my lower back as I labored. Ryan sat in a chair doing crosswords acting oblivous to the whole ordeal! :) My DR came in around 4pm, is my guess, and decided to break my water. This was not painful, but I was very glad to have my hubby holding my hand. It was the strangest feeling to me to continue to feel gushing water randomly.. lol... HOWEVER--within the next hour... I felt pain! I remember one of the girls telling me to just let go.. and go with it. I told them that I could not let myself go because once I did- there was no coming back.

I tend to be pretty tough.... but at some point the tears started coming. I was in a lot of pain. I stayed pretty calm and cracked jokes most of the laboring process. But I remember that between 7-8pm I was in such pain that I told Nate that I didnt know if I could do this without the FEARED epidural that I did not want. He then encouraged me to talk with the nurse about my other pain relief options. So it was at that time we decided to go ahead and get a different pain medication called Stadol, or something.. It is a narcotic that was going to make me pass out... but the contractions woudl continue. The DR talked with me about it too. The nurse then realized that my contractions were going toooc razy so she knocked my pitocin level in half. At this point they had taken me to a 22, so she knocked it back to an 11. By the way, once I got to an 18 on the pitocin, I began telling them that the pain level was MUCH higher.. but I am sure that they knew it by my crying! :)

So.. the meds they put into my IV around 8pm.. my poor friends and husband. That is all I can say! :) For the first hour of it, apparantly, I went crazy. The nurse enjoyed me too. I said crazy things, laughed uncontrollably.. etc. I guess I even talked to my mom briefly on the phone during that first hour. The second hour, I slept. It only really lasted about 2 hours when I woke up. It was about 10pm that the DR came in to check me again.. only to find that I was still only a 4, 75% effaced, and Noah was still at Station 3. She then talked with us about C-Section. This was my biggest fear... that I did not think would happen to me. She gave us the option to labor for another six hours before she MADE me do the C-SEction, but in her honest opinion, she did not think that I was going to change. I asked Nate what he thought, becuase I did not want to keep laboring, but I did not want a C-Section. If I had not had my strong hubby there with me, I would have chosen to keep laboring. But Nate clearly said that if the DR truly believed that nothing was going to change that we may as well go ahead and get Noah out vs. contining like this only to end up in the same spot. Makes sense, right? So... it began. I slowly began signing my life away, listening to nurses and drs talk to me.... all while my hubby dressed up for the OR and my best friends began moving all of my stuff from my room to the postpartum room.. and all the while, i booo hoooed. I did not want this.

Operating Room- I became someone I never knew was inside of me. I was okay as they put the spinal tap in. I just hung on to the sweet girl in front of me.. and asked a lot of questions. Mind you, I was still a bit drugged up. I do not think it had clearly hit me yet that I was about to meet him. I never researched C-Sections because I never thought I would have to go through it. Then I was layed bakc and that curtain that we all see on movies- yea, it was put up.. and I lost it. I was cryuing uncontrollably. I had the shakes... it was bad. The sweet nurses. One was at my ear just reassuring me.. over and over. Then Nate came in. My poor husband. I just could not stop crying. I was freezing cold, could barely talk, and just kept telling him over and over that I did notw ant to do this- I did not want any part of this.. and I just wanted to go home. I promised him right then that I would not do this again! (I will).... Needless to say, it was very hard. Nate was so good listening to me, reassuring me, comforting me. I do not know what I put my poor husband through, but I honeslty could not help it. I am telling you- I bawled uncontrollably the WHOLE time and said things that I never would think would come out of my mouth! I kept hearing a nurse behind my head say .. it is almost time, they are almost bringing the baby out. then someone told us that it was time and asked Nathan if he wanted to watch them lift the baby! :) So.. as he continued to hold my hand, he stood up and looked.. and then I heard "It's a boy!" (THANK GOD!).. I remember them bringing him to the other side of the curtain and showing him to me.. to which I started crying even more.. He was.. beautiful. Nate went to help clean him off and then went to the nursery with him as they stitched me up. I am not sure how much longer I was in there.. I just remember that I still had the shakes, was freezing cold, and could not stop crying- OH I TRIED! I kept apologizing for acting this way and they would laugh and tell me I was perfectly normal.. LIARS!!! Way to make me feel good.. but I did keep asking over and over.. "am I going to die..." Needless to say, when I see a nurse from the OR out and about- I am a bit embarrassed.. Lol... Then they swtiched me over to another bed and began taking me out the hall.

Oh.. my sweet baby boy was born on March 28, 2010 at 11:16pm weighing in at 8lb, 5oz and 19 inches long. PERFECT has his name by it in the dictionary.

Can I just tell you what amazing friends I have? They were all by the nurses station when I rolled by.. I remember that I said somethin to them about him being soo pretty. Lol. I am not sure when they were allowed in my room.. but I did have nurses in there for a long time. I remember as I was coming back to reality I just kept thinking that they needed to get me my baby that I had not held yet. I was ready to hold him and feed him! :) Finally- my friends were there.. or maybe they were in there the whole time, I do not remember. But then I remember someone saying that here comes Daddy. It was over an hour afte rmy baby had been born when hew as rolled by his proud daddy into the room in his bassinet. My sweet husband then handed him over to me. I was amazed. I know I then let all of my friends hold him so they could go home after their long day-- and so I could feed him. After they left, everything else of that night is a blur. Nate says we did not sleep. I do not remember. I knwo I love breastfeeding my boy.

My friends had made sure to call my mom and sister and keep them posted. They were able to catch my mom on her cell phone right as she was about to turn it off on the plane in Dallas to fly here. So, she knew on here flight over that he was here and we were both okay. She arrived less than 24 hours after Noah had arrived.. and my friends picked her up. She stayed 2 weeks.. and it went by way to fast. She was so helpful and I am so thankful that she was able to spend the first 2 weeks of Noahs life with him. He already loves his Gammy sooo much.

The nurses and doctors at Misawa Hospital were A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. Thank you to everyone. Words can not express. We delivered late Sunday night and we were released with our sweet boy by lunch on Wednesday.

Nate's mom is here now and will be here until the 29th. The help has been great.

Our son is getting bigger.. already 20.5 inches long and almost 10lbs. He will be 4 weeks old on Sunday. Time flies. I am out of work until June 1, when I will go back and finish the year with my kiddos at school. i have loved every single moment of Noahs life and I love being his mommy. I pray that the Lord will give me, Nate, and Noah a long life to live together.

I will blog more often, I jsut wanted to get my birth story down first. Plkently of pictures of Noah boy are on facebook if you havent seen! :)

I love both of my boys.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

*

If we make it through this next week pregnant, this will be our last full week alone-- with no children. It seems so crazy that this change is about to happen to.. US! It has always been us.. for the past 10 years. (10 together*, 7 married) It is a very exciting time though. Wednesday we will be 40 weeks. Do I want to make it pregnant a whole week more? Heck no. I was really thinking about taking this week off of work just because-- I am tired. My body is tired. But it seems pointless. I teach great kids that are not that dependent on me, so it isn't that much work. It would just give me an excuse to lay around-- and not get paid. So, why should I do that? Not only that- I do not find it fair to my kids or my school. So- I am okay with going to work. This has taken all weekend to get here- but I am okay working one more week. REGARDLESS if Noah is here by next Monday or not, Friday IS my last day. Why? My mom will be here next Monday.

You heard that right-My mom is coming back to Japan. This time.. alone! I am so excited to see her. I really do hope that Noah makes his appearance early this week so we can take him to the airport to see moma. But if not, I have it all handled. I have a couple of wonderful friends that will ensure my moma gets to and from the hospital and has somewhere to stay. She won't be staying alone if I am in this hospital.. :) She will be with the Wadini's and I think she would be okay with that. Dezi can even cuddle with her since they will have my Dezi poo too!

I worry- what kind of parents will we be? I guess we are about to find out. I can not wait to hold Noah for the first time- and strangely enough- in the same amount of everything I have in me-- I can not wait to see Daddy with his son for the first time. Nate is going to be such a wonderful dad and I can not wait to watch Noah grow up with him... and I can not wait to be that mommy that I need to be! This is all so new, yet all so exciting!! :)

Well, our friends are here for dinner- so.. I gotta get off for now. I hope that nexst time I post it is to tell you that Noah is here! :)

Thursday, 18 March 2010

so.over.it

once again i am so glad it has taken me to 39 weeks to feel this way. but i am sooo over being pregnant. i am very ready to have my little boy in my arms. everyone keeps telling me to enjoy it, enjoy it.. but really- i am at that point.. what is there to enjoy? i cant sleep, i have heartburn galore, im fat, im swollen... the list could go on and on. oh and i am not complaining, trust me. i am so thankful it has taken me this long to feel this way. but no longer do i enjoy getting dressed. i use to love getting in my maternity clothes, seeing my belly in my shirts- but now- most of my shirts ride up my belly. im exhausted. all i want is to have him already! :) doesnt everyone get like this at some point?? i think he is just hardheaded like his daddy! but ill be patient.. bc the last thing i want is.. to be induced. i do not want that at all... so yea, this is me... venting.

Emotional

I guess I should be grateful that it took me to week 39 in this pregnancy to get over emotional. These are some things that have set me off this week into tears:

1. Got some military news that may prevent Nate from being with me when Noah is born, except for the delivery. Bums me out bad- but what can I do? Continue with the attitude that I always have-- and it will be ok. I am grateful for the fact that I do have friends.. but it does stress him out a bit too. Needless to say, I literally broke down in front of several girlfriends-- very uncomfortable for me, as I do not do that.

2. About three times this week, with the drive home from the FD a bit ago being the latest, I have DESIRED to call Shane and talk to him. I feel like we need to catch up. When it hits me that I can't.. I almost can not handle it. It has been three and a half months now! Yet, it feels like soo much longer since I talked to him. To feel the need to chat and not be able too.. well, yea.. that hurts. What do you do?

3. Reading stories of child births.. yea, those too. I have been trying to find more and more- they really interest me. But then, I break down.. I imagine my moment holding my little boy- sharing that moment with the man I love and the man that is going to be an AAAAmazing father to him

4. Going to the DR. today to find out I am only 1 cent. dilated. This bummed me out so bad, I wanted to cry all afternoon. I know it means nothing and it could all change super fast. But I was SO SURE it would be more. I mean cooome on! I am on my feet all the time. I work, I have shoveled. I have kept my normal life.. and here I sit.. 1 cent. made me very sad!

That is all I can think of.. but still I have been over emotional lately. Enough already! :)

Saturday, 13 March 2010

T-10 days

10 days from today is our due date. Noah could be here anytime-- or he could just keep on waiting.

Have I told you how much I HATE countdowns? They use to be so much fun. However, not anymore. 10 days from today is our due date for our precious baby boy. Back in November/December I had a countdown going too.. and I was 10 days away from flying home when my brother was killed in a car wreck. 10 days. Lord, let me get past TODAY in this pregnancy. I know it means nothing to so many, but to be honest, it is so hard for me. All I had was 10 days.. and I would have seen Shane, hugged Shane, laughed at/with Shane, and just spent time with Shane. Instead I only have the memories of our phone calls over the past year and a half I lived in Japan-- and our last day in Texas together. My family took the kids to Kid's Station in Longview and enjoyed our time there until I had to catch my flight... then we all went to the airport. I remember driving there.. 2 different cars. Us, and then Shane and all the kids.

At the airport, it was SO hard for me. I have never cried to much-- to that point in my life anyways. Our last pictures with each other, I am just tear stained.. I wasn't sad for our move to Japan- I was sad because I did not know when I would see my family again. My grief is worse now- because I truly did not know then that I would never see my brother alive again. I can not comprehend this. AT ALL! I know it has been over three months.. and anyone that sees me on a day to day basis or just in bypassing would never know the hurt that my heart endures. Some days are better than others.. some weeks are better than others. When I see pictures of my neices and nephew- I miss them. But my heart aches because I know that their daddy woudl want to be right there with all three of them. And none of us have that option.

I always turn my blog into something sad, sorry. I am doing a Bible Study with a group of ladies.. it has been wonderful. This past week we talked about LOSS. Do I understand things more clearer? No. Am I trying to trust God? Yes. Is this hard? For sure. I am thankful for the friends that God has brought into my life in Misawa. I have true friends here that I would be okay with being around for the rest of my life. I see God's hand in moving us from other friends and stufff.. I see how our lives have changed for the better and I just see the great things that have come from heartache of moving and leaving good friends in the past. Then I look at myself here.. my heart is goin to be TORN when I leave here. I can not see what good will come from separating me from certain people here. Just as I do not think I will EVER see or understand the purpose of my brother leaving this world. But one thing I know--- I do not need to understand, right? I just need to trust.

I can not wait to hold Noah. I Am not sure what kind of mommy I am going to be. But I pray that I adapt as well as I have always adapted to things in my life. I am so glad and thankful that my mom will spend two weeks with us. I miss her. I am going to be torn when she leaves.. and only have July/August to look foward to so I can see everyone at home again. Nates mom will come for 2 weeks after my mom.. then I go back to work. Is it starnge that I already dread that? I already dread not spending everyday with my son-- and he isnt even here yet. My prayer is that God truly gives me the desire to spend time with hima nd to love every minute of it. I know our lives are about to change.. and it seems so crazy, since it has always just been US! But we can do this. I know that Nater is going to be a great daddy and I can not wait to see him in action. I see him with our neices and nephews.. and I know without a doubt he will be great. Strict, yes.. but wonderful.

Anyways.. I am off to get ready for this Sunday morning. I am excited for our Bible Study this afternoon... Ill let you know when Noah gets here!

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

My Life

It has changed so much in the past year. There are some days when I really sit and think.. and I have to stop thinking so I do not have a total breakdown. Obviously the biggest change for me is loosing Shane. Yes, I am having a baby-- but wasn't that the way my life was suppose to go? Married, enjoy each other for seven years, then start our family... that is the next step. But loosing my brother was not in that plan anywhere. It has hit very hard. We are walking close to the 3 month mark, which is tomorrow. It is totally crazy how life continues- even my life. During the first weeks of this, in Texas, I could not fathom how my life would move on. I felt guilty because in my heart and shared with those closest to me was the UNexcitement that I had for Noah. I no longer wanted this happiness in my life. I just knew that when Noah is born that I would cry and grieve still over the loss of my brother and him not knowing Noah. But today, three months later, I know that isn't the case. And.. strangely enough, I feel guilty. I do not feel that it is fair that I get to experience the happiness of my life while he is gone. I am working so hard trying to understand God's will.. and truly accept that this is okay. But to be honest, it is just plain hard. I have really come a long way in the past three months in relation to my understanding and love for the Lord- but it is a daily struggle. Sometimes when talking to people and they start talking about what is going on at home with the babies, how Shane this, Shane that, etc. it opens that wound again- and I shut down. They do not know it, but I do. Mentally I do not listen anymore. It is too hard. Sometimes I can look at pictures of that man that I always thought was so good looking when I was a teenager and that I felt honored to have as my brother because he WAS HOT :) and I can smile. Other times when I look at those pictures- I can not handle it. As I get closer to meeting my little boy, I worry. I do not want to lose my son. My mom has been through something so terrible, and I am not sure that I could handle it. I hope once I meet Noah that all of these fears subside for a while. I am very excited to meet him now- anxious and ready. I knw when I see him, if I cry- it will be tears of happiness and joy. Sure, there are going to be times looking at him that I grieve for the loss of Shane. But I also know that SHANE would not have it any other way for me. He was very excited for me. I just think- how unfair it is that my brother never got the chance to be an uncle- but yet gave me and Brittany the amazing job of being aunts to THREE amazing children! I want so bad to listen to his last voicemail to me that says something like, "Hey Sis.. heard your having a boy! Congrats on that. Ashtyn will have a boy to play with now." But I know that mentally... and emotionally.. I just CAN NOT do it right now. I want to hear his voice- but to hear the "Hey Sis" part... is going to be way more than I can handle.. Three months.. seriously? Before we know it we will be saying one year. I do not want to do that. Thank you to all that have continued to pray for our family. There are so many families out there goin through something similar as us... and it sucks. My heart hurts for everyone that goes through any kind of death.

Noah is due in 21 days and my mom will be here in 25 days! I am overly ready to hug my moma!! Then to know that I will see her again this summer.. makes me smile! :) I love my family.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Being a mom

I worry about this mom thing. What if I can't do it? I have had a wonderful life and everything has always come so easy for me. I am not saying that to brag, but I am being honest. My mom made sure that we had a great life growing up. Losing my brother in December was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I have not had much heartache, sadness, failures, etc. in my life. But what if I can not do this. I know what everyone says.. youll be fine, it will come natural.. da da da! :) But this is my blog, and this is what I want to write about. I have hopes and dreams of the kind of mom I WAnt to be. The ways I want to handle things, how I want things to go, etc. Of course, if I have learned one thing of being a military wife it is that things dont always go my way. Which is FINE! But I pray that I can be the mom that God intends me to be. I have watched so many people travel down this path I am about to venture down- and I have seen it handled so many different ways. I just wonder- how is it going to be for me? I pray it comes easy and natural to me, like pretty much everything has in my life. I have a wonderful example, my own mom, to follow- so that is helpful. But this is scary.

But as I get closer- the more ready I am. I am so ready to meet my little boy. I am beyond ready to experience the next level with Nathan. I am ready to watch the man I love turn into a daddy... to a little boy that we created together. I know that God gave us Noah at the perfect time, and I know that no matter what- it is all going to be good. I ahve the same fears that something is going to be wrong when he comes out. If I have learned one thing-- it is that anything can happen to anyone. When Shane died, I kept saying.. these things dont happen to my family. Well BANG it just did! So, that is something that I have learned.. I am not immune to anything. I know that God will help me handle whatever comes my way. But is it bad of me to pray for that perfect, healthy baby boy?

Does this blog make me sound like a bad person? We did not have any tests ran on Noah that a lot of people do.. for downs syndrome and those kinds of things. We didnt care. So, I am now at the point where I think about those. Of course. I will love my son no matter what.... but I do earnestly pray....

Oh, geez.. these are just my thoughts. I hope that I dont offend anyone.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

The countdown is on..

Until I am able to hold my precious baby boy, my first baby. It is so ... odd! Went to the DR today and they book the remainder of my appointments, it was so strange! :) Noah is head down, getting ready to make his grand appearance. It is so amazing to me that I am finally, after 10 years of being with my husband (7married), going to have a baby- half Nate, half me! I am so ready for this.. and so excited to see him!! I already love him so much. I can not wait to bond with my little boy and with Nate and Noah.. as a famiily. I am very ready for my mom to get here too!! Soon! SOON! Due Date is March 24th!!

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Rambling,..

Here I sit, 35weeks pregnant, and I finally, FINALLY feel pregnant. Who knew it would take me this long to feel pregnant? I am blessed. I have loved every last minute of this pregnancy. It has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Poor Noah, I have never met him, but he has experienced with me the hardest thing, to date, that I have ever had to go through. My sweet baby boy. 34 days until my due date. That also means... 38 days until I see my mama! I can not wait! I wonder if he will last that long... I mean, I dont feel anything. I am a bit more tired this week .. and today was a gripy day- but all in all, I feel great.. just heavy. Lol. I have a baby shower on Saturday. Abbey and Kim are throwing it for us. I am so blessed with two amazing friends here.. but even more than that, I am blessed with all of the amazing women that surround me here.. and the group that will be there Saturday to show their support. I know I get my stroller.. and I am SO excited. :)

It is still so hard for me to believe that Shane is gone. This week I have been a bit emotional, .. so therefore, I have been really upset about him. I was just working on my bible study and it was talking about trust. I had to list a couple of POSITIVE things that help me trust and a couple of NEGATIVE things that cause me not to trust. I wrote, physically, "Shane's death." Then I reread the words and could not believe it.

I was driving home yesterday and I just got all choked up. How fair is it that two beaufiul girls will grow up, get married, and not have their DADDY walk them down the aisle? How fair is any of this? I mean, really? But as I say that.. how fair is it that I question God? I am still struggling so terribly bad with all of this... It just.. sucks.

I wish BT could come back to Japan. I miss that girl. I miss my whole family. I can not wait to go back home this summer... and take my baby with me. My prayer is that I will be a mommy like my mom has always been to me. I pray that God will help me to love every moment of being a mommy and help me to be strong. I have watched so many different people become mommies.. and everyone handles it a different way. i just pray soooo hard that God will help me always remember what a blessing sweet Noah is.. and that I just.. embrace all of it!!! Please pray for us as we continue through our last 5 weeks of just me, nate, and dezi... our last 5 weeks of being pregnant... our last 5 weeks of the unknown... our last 5 weeks of .. feelign and watching this sweet baby from outside of my belly! :)

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

I don't want any of this (by my sister)

Sometimes...when I think about you...I don't let my mind go there..
I won't let it take me to reality.
When I think of you, that's as far as I go.
I begin to change the subject in my mind so that I don't have to face the truth.
I push it away as though it won't come back,
As if pushing will make it disappear and be less real.

But then it hits me...
It smacks me in the face so hard I didn't see it coming.
I remember the truth,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the sadness...
All of this floods my heart and my memory and it breaks me.

And I remember that YOU, My Brother are gone...

It all comes back to me and knocks me down like a huge wave in the ocean.
I begin to remember when I heard the words,
I remember when I first hugged Mom and cried.
I remember the days that followed,
all the people,
the food,
the love,
the tears,
the sadness.

I remember how I felt when we had to leave you there.
I felt so bad...I didn't want to leave you there alone.
I wanted to take you home with us.
You were supposed to be with us.
All of our family was there...but not you.
Your babies were there but not Daddy.

None of this seems right or real Shane.
And I just hate to think of life without you.
You were just stolen from us all....
and I hate to think of the reality of what the years will bring.

Three siblings, but one missing.
Parents without a son.
A birthday but no one to celebrate for.
Special events with only their Mommy...
Holidays without you,
I don't want any of this.

------
Written by my little sister. The words are truly amazing and how so many of us feel. Why can't this all just be a dream?!

Monday, 8 February 2010

Realization

Sometimes the realization of what has happen hits you in the face full force. Last night Abbey and Ryan were over looking at my baby book and I was showing them some baby pictures. Of course most of my pictures I had were of me and Shane because BT was not here yet. The DeMoss' came over later and we had our LOST party. Everyone left by 1015, and Nate and I had just finished teh kitchen. About 1045 we were heading to bed.. I went to the kitchen to get a TUMS and... it just hit me. And I get angry/sad all mixed together. This isn't the way it is suppose to be. The realization that I truly have not talked to my brother since the first of December is a slap in the face as well. Time does make it easier- for me. But it could be because I do not live at home... but when things just hit me- i hate it. I say I know it has gotten easier because in December I could not imagine being happy even when Noah was born... now I am truly excited for that. People keep saying that Shane was able to hold Noah before he comes in this world... not sure how I feel about stuff like that-- but it does make a person feel good.

I always worry- about everyone in my famimly now. I pray that God keeps them safe, because I just could not handle something like this again...

Simply put- I clearly miss my brother. A.LOT.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Creed

So I am driving home from the Fire Department a bit ago and a CREED song came on. It was an older one. But I remember when Nate and I started dating that there was a new/er CREED CD out and there were two songs on that CD that I just loved. When this song came on- it just made me think of my brother.. but really I wanted to hear the other song. The other song came to my mind so quickly because I remember my mom saying years ago how this song reminds her of Shane.. like when he had Chloe- then he had Ashtyn and Addi. So, I get home and look it up, I knew I would know the CD case cover.. and my gosh, I feel old- it was in 1999. The song that I wanted to hear, but I dont want to hear.. because I will cry is ARMS WIDE OPEN!

With Arms Wide Open
Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...


This is the kind of music I remember in my teenage years my brother listening to. I was in college, my freshman year, when I got a voicemail on my answering machine that was from my brother. He was telling me to call him back. And then at the end of the message, he added AUNT to Cassey.. and I knew. I was so happy. My mom was beside herself for a while and I kept reminding her that we need to be grateful that Shane was 21... no a teenager, not still in high school... she got over it! Then when Chloe came into this world, well.. it was all about love. But this song is one that my mom always thought of Shane about.

I just wanted to put this down, so I can always remember thoughts I haev at certain times. As I listened to the CREED song that was on the radio I got that nervous/scared feeling of how this can not be true.

Not.My.Brother.