Monday, 19 December 2011

Daddy's 1st Christmas

This is Daddy's first Christmas with Noah. Last year he left us for his deployment the day before Thanksgiving! I am excited to see Daddy and Noah together. Noah LOOOVES his daddy. I got Noah a couple of things.. but we had a couple of gift cards to shop with so I sent Daddy. Needless to say... his daddy brought him home two things that a 1 1/2 year old probably doesn't need... Wanna know??

A skateboard AND a drumset! Really, daddy? Haha.

How do you complain? Noah is going to LOOOVe every minute of both of those gifts. I am so excited to see him open gifts this year! Though he has already opened two 'toys' as he says... (which were actually daddy's)... I know he will get so excited. He loves Santa, hohoho... Snowmen, the LIIIIIGHTs, the trees, the songs. He loves it all. We love watching him and engaging with him as well.

Where I sit today is so very different from where I was one year ago. I still sit here, dreading this time of year because Shane isn't here... but things are even more different. Two years ago my world had fallen apart because I lost my brother. One year ago my world began falling apart again because I was losing my best friend. The curve balls that life brings you can suck sometimes.. and sometimes it is so hard to get past it, to move forward. Wanna know what i have learned? You are able to move forward.. but there are still going to be hard times! There are going to be days when the reality hits you that your brother is no longer on this earth anymore or that your best friend will never be that friend again... and those days suck all over again. But the amazing thing is... tomorrow is a new day! I am so thankful to have God on my side... and to know that one day I will hug my big brother again AND that he has that special friend already planned out for me again.

Many changes have come about in my life and it is so hard to think about sometimes. But I have learned to be grateful. To be grateful for my family. I am beyond grateful for these two boys that the Lord has blessed me with. Nate is a wonderful husband who is such a great support to me. He loves our son like you wouldn't believe.. and after almost nine years of marriage, I still love him more each day. I sit in awe of Noah. He is the prime example of perfection to me. I pray that Noah always loves his mommy and always has such a happy, fun attitude! I loooove this kid! I just don't want to ever imagine my life without him. I am also so grateful for my mom, sister, dad step dad, bro in law, and nieces and nephew! All of these people, MY FAMILY, are so special to me. I am so thankful that we work so hard to keep Shane's memory alive...

God is good.. He is so very good to me!

Thursday, 15 December 2011


December brings many 'x amount of days since' 'x amount of days until' type of scenarios. So, today, December 15th.. these are my scenarios:

Today is 12 days since my brother passes away (2 years ago).
Today is 8 days since my brothers funeral (2 years ago).
Today is 8 days since my moms birthday.
Today is 6 days since my step dads birthday.
Today is 10 days until Christmas.
Today is 4 days until baby baby sisters 2 year wedding anniversary.
Today is 6 days until one of my best friends birthdays.
Today is.. a day to be thankful.

There are so many memories, ideas, things that December brings to each family. I have been trying to figure out exactly what kinds of traditions I want to bring to our little family. Noah is just loving the lights and Santa (HoHoHo)... it is amazing watching him. I love every single minute of it!!

I can't wait to have Christmas with my boys again this year. This will be the first year it is JUST US.. it'll be nice, but bittersweet. First time in two years I am not home with family.. First time in three years I am not having it with my Misawa Family. But it will be good for my family and I.

The night before Christmas Eve we will bake cookies and leave them and milk out for Santa and his reindeer. Daddy has to work Christmas Eve, so we will do it the night before. Do I understand that Noah doesn't understand.. well.. YES!!! :) BUT! I want to start early. Also this night he will open a gift- with new PJs. I want him to do it then so Daddy can see. Then on Christmas morning when Daddy comes home we will enjoy gifts together.

This little boy is the light of our life. He makes everything, EVERYTHING so much better. I love to to try and see life through his innocent eyes. I am so blessed. I love hearing him talk to me and tell me stories. I love sleeping so close to him while he snores. I love him! EVERYTHING about him.

Every year only gets better with Noah. Looking at these pictures make me kinda sad.. because he was such a baby. But I love watching and helping him grow. His Daddy is amazing and I have no doubt that Noah will be like his Daddy in so many ways. I am so proud of my boy.

Friday, 2 December 2011

December 3rd... I hate you!

Here we are.

Is it true that we have really gone two full years without my brother now? I remember that day sooo well.. and I hate it. I remember I was six months pregnant and man, I could not wait to go home. I remember we were having "Fun Friday" at school and we were letting our sixth graders roam from room to room deciding what they wanted to do. My room was for the games and such.. it was pretty loud. I remember that a younger student had a birthday and she brought me a cupcake. I was sitting by my door on a stool because the school day was almost over.. Something didn't feel right to me. I am not making that up. I remember how after I got the news and was just thinking how I would think back to my day and how odd it was that it was just an 'ugh' afternoon. The sweet little girl brought me the cupcake and I didn't want it, but I took it from her. I ended up giving it to one of my sixth graders right before the bell rang for the day. I had never been so glad for the day to end. I left about 20 minutes before I was 'suppose' to that day. I walked through my front door five minutes after 3pm. I remember laying my stuff down and looking at Nate. I felt exhausted... emotional... just unhappy. I remember telling Nate that I had had a bad day! But I couldn't explain why. Shortly after is when I got the phone call.

I didn’t sleep much that night. We had our Fire Department Christmas Party that my friend and myself had worked so very hard to put together. I didn’t go. Who would? We spent a long time in the shirts office. I have such a deep appreciation and respect for what our first shirts do now… because I saw a big part of what they do for dependants that night. I had been able to get American Airlines to switch our tickets, no problems-no fees, by one week to get us on the first plane out on Saturday morning. Red Cross is there to get family home, FOR FREE, at times such as this. I told the shirt that he didn’t have to go that route, that we had handled it… but he wanted to get us home that route because he explained that is what they are there for. So by midnight we had our tickets printed out, ready to fly out the next morning, Thank You Red Cross. Military- you know how when you go overseas or maybe even stateside, I am not sure… but they give you the spill about Red Cross and give you the card with the number. Just.In.Case. Yea, I have heard many of those talks…. Never thought I would be the one utilizing them. ESPECIALLY for a sibling. Nevertheless, I am very thankful for them.

The rest of the trip is such a blur to me. I remember crying most of the time. We had to sit at Narita Airport in Tokyo for like six hours. That WAS SO hard. I would go to the bathroom and do as I do even now- and shake my head saying NO! This wasn’t right. My husband was my rock. I don’t know what I would have done had I not had Nate. I am so thankful that he was not deployed at that time. Had he been, I can guarantee that Abbey would have been with me. No way would she have let me go alone. I remember my friends wanted to come over that day I found out. I begged Nate not to let them… and I am pretty positive that they did not.

I really just can’t believe we are sitting here at two years. It has really been TWO FREAKING YEARS since this nightmare began. So much has happened in two years…. And how I wish he was here. I will never understand why God allowed this to happen and didn’t just save him. I know there is a reason, but I will never, EVER understand it… Nor will I like it.

I truly appreciate those of you that have been of comfort to my mom, sister, and dad. It means so much to me. Unless you have walked in our shoes, you will never know the pain. The pain of losing a brother is so very different from losing a son. The pain of losing your best friend is so different from losing your son or brother. The pain of losing your son is so different from losing a brother. The pain of losing someone that is LIKE a brother, is still so very different. I am so thankful for those of you that have reached out to us… and tried to understand my mom, sister, and me. Those of you that have been there for each of us. We love you for it. This has been the hardest time of our lives… and I don’t see the pain ever subsiding. We feel like we live in a dream. The question is.. how did we get here.. And how I wish we could wake up from this dream.

My family- mom, Shane, and me are unique… we are close. So losing Shane has truly been like losing a part of our soul, our body, everything. No one can ever understand the bond between us. I am SO thankful for my family… and will do anything for them. My brother taught me that! His family was everything. He would have done anything for Britt, Mom, or Me. He would do anything for his children. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that my brother is looking down on us… proud of who we are… how we are keeping his memory alive for his babies.

So as we remember my brother today……. Please just say a quick prayer for my family. My mom, Dad, Sister, and Shane’s kids…