Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Blessed Be Your Name

On the way to work the other day this song began to play... and it just hit me! When I got to school I emailed my mom, sister, Abbey, and Kim this email:

I found myself encouraged on the way to school this morning. Thank you Kim for burning those Christian CDs for me. Funny thing is.. I am listening to WOW 5.. .and well, I have those CDs.. in the group that I can not find. This song really encouraged me this morning: Blessed Be Your Name. I havent really listened to Christian music since we got the VAN because it has no CD player...

I am putting all four of you on this email in the hopes that it will encourage you. Mom and BT, it just made me think of so many things we have been through.. I am bolding the ones that really affected me when thinking of our past 7 weeks. I love you mama and sister.

----
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away

My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
--

I hope this will bless you as it did me this morning. It is such a strong reminder that I truly need to continue worshiping him.. even though the deepest part of me does not want to.

Cass

Mistaken Identity Quotes Part 2

These are the last of the quotes from the book Mistaken Identity that really touched me or blessed me in some way:

"Our final encouragement is this: Do not hang on to the things of this world too tightly. Life here is but a vapor and there is an eternity ahead. Consider what God calls us to do: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destory, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where mtoh and rust do not destory, and where theives do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.-Matthew 6:19-21"

This scripture reminds me of one of mine and Shane's last conversations... which many of you have heard me talk about. Shane was telling me I needed to move closer to home... I was telling him that I have a really good job.. and right now this is what we need.. He went on to tell me that money isnt that important. To my brother- money was not important.. he may not have had a lot.. and may not have had a lot of material things.. but those things were certainly never important to him. My prayer is that I can be more like him in that aspect. He was so giving.

"Death is a result of sin. So this separation that we have from our fellow believers is not how God originally intended it to be. And in that I find two things. First it tells me that it is OK to be sad or even angry about you not being here anymore. And second, I find tremendous hope because God will make things right. He will restore heaven and earth to it's original state of wholeness and He Hiimself, will be at the center and we who believe in Him will all be brought back together."

I am going to steal what my sister wrote on her blog about this quote. We both marked the same quote, but she said it so much better than I ever could.. actually, I dont even think my mind thought like her..:
I think I just realized what heaven will be like, (or a piece of it). When God said He would restore heaven and earth to it's original state of wholeness he meant like before there was sin, when it was first created. Is it true then that the earth God first created for us, that was without sin, was actaully what he will restore it back to? And if that is so, then that means that in the beginning God created earth to be heavenly--he wanted us to live in a perfect place where all we did was worship him--where there was no tragedy, no bad things. But since Adam sinned, then sin created death. But when Jesus returns and we are restored and reunited with our loved ones, we will finally get the chance to live in our perfect paradise that he originally created for us...

Just my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em.


"I can only imagine what you are experiencing right now. What it's like to be with Jesus. I wish I could just sith with you, maybe over an Applebee's blondie, and aks you all kinds of questions."

I wish I could imagine it. Before Shane died, I could imagine heaven. Now, it seems so far away.. sometimes unreal. Bad to say, yes.. but if I am being truthful, this is where I stand. My faith has become so shaky. Shane would truly be amazed how Britt and I are struggling spiritually right now- because that is how he has known us.. especially BT.

Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

I can say right now- that I fully understand why I am in Japan right now. I questioned it a few times, but there are several reasons that I know I am here. God has blessed me with amazing friends, that are like family, over here. I didn't have these relationships in Mississippi. I had good relationships with people, but not like this. These are Godly relationships. If this had happened to me in Mississippi, I would not have had near the support that I have had here.. nor would I have been able to leave Texas- since I was so close. But the support I have recieved from people here has been so amazing... and I know that the Lord has me here for this time in my life for that reason. There are other reasons of course, but that is the most vivid right now!

"Oh no, Not Brad." For several minutes she repeated over and over, "No, Not Brad."

I kept saying this outloud for the whole first day of finding out.. until I made it to Texas. I would literally bust out and say, "No, Not Shane..." I would do it at home, at the airport, in the airplane... until I got to my family and realized.. it was true. But I understand those words and how hard they are to understand.

"Please, Please, wake me up... This is a dream"


I still say this... and I wish I would wake up from this terrible nightmare.

"If she'd had her way, she would have pulled the blankets up tight over her head and not moved. But she knew she had to get up. She had to force her legs over the side of the bed, and she had to force her body to follow their lead, all becuase she knew she had too."

"Oh God, why?" she prayed. "Why does life keep going on when I want it to stop? Whey does it keep going foward when I can't move?"

"The two shared a look and Ruthann knew immediatly what kind of day Susie was having. Her own son Matt had died five years ealier in a car accident not far from camp."


My poor sweet mom. I keep thinking about her. I know she is struggling... and Britt and I are not there to help her. I am so glad that the grandkids are so clsoe and that Constance and Stephanie are so wonderful adn allow her to get them. Those kids make it much easier for her- if that is possible. The kids bring happiness back into her life!!! My poor mom. Please pray for her today.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

My moms blog post...



This is from my mom's blog..

The final piece of this nightmare
Well here it is the final piece of this nightmare that makes it SO real!! It is truly a beautiful headstone. Picked out & designed by his Dad, myself & the girls. It is really a beautiful tribute to Shane, the true & real Shane...aka Daddy. This is where Shane was so prosperous. He may not have had alot of money in the bank & he may not have had alot of material things but he had his children & his family! He loved his kids with his whole being. His concern was always that his kids be taken care of not his self. He even told us not to buy anything for him at Christmas, just buy for his kids. And he loved his family completely! He was so proud of his sister's. I'm not sure if he ever told them but he told me.
Are we still struggling? Yes very much so! He is the last thing on my mind at night & the first thing in the morning before I open my eyes.
People ask if you are doing ok, yes you tell them what else are you suppose to say? " NO MY SON IS DEAD"? But you don't say that you carry on day to day & try to find some normal in the day.
I seem to live for the next time the GRANDkids are here even though it tires me out so, but they are what makes it easier. And my girls I talk to both of them every day & that help so much even if its a Hi I love you but gotta go. Thats ok, cause thats normal. It seems the normal helps.
Shane's dad got a lady in town that paints on the windows of the business's in town to finish his mural at Truman, I've seen pictures that was forwarded to my phone but I haven't seen it yet myself. From what I heard she did it in memory to Shane, she wouldn't let him pay her. This is so sweet. I hope to meet her one day.
You know they say that the first year is the hardest because you experience all the first without your loved one. Well I've already started going thru that. A couple weeks ago I took them to Chuck E Cheese & the last time we were there Shane was with us. Tomorrow we go to Kids Station for Cameron's birthday the last time we were there was the day Cassey left for Japan, the last time she saw him, but I can't not go because of that! Then that would be the first step to not living if I hid away in the house & didn't take the kids to these activities, it would not be fair to them & I will not do that to them.
So how am I? Better to be honest, but it still is SO hard. I still cannot believe that Shane is gone....but we continue everyday... living.... for his memory, for his kids, for ourselves.
Just remember to love & cherish your family & friends don't let trivial things get in the way cause you never know when the last time you speak to them may well be the last time. Love one another

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

9

That is how many days that I had until I saw my brother... I get angry when I think about that. We had a plan.. a great plan to meet at the Longview Airport that Sunday night.. he was going to have all of his kids. He was so excited-- just as excited as I was. When we were talking about it... he went on to tell me about how hard it was when I got on that plane a year and a half ago in the same airport... and how he cried and cried. It shocked me that he was telling me that- and shocked me even more that he cried. I was so uncontrollable that day... crying constantly. Had I known it was going to be my last time to see him or touch him, I would have held onto him a lot longer. I would have talked to him more... I would have climbed up into that ball pit at Kids Station with him.. I would not have left his side!! Had I known that day in June 2008 was going to be the last time for me to see him... I would have left him more voicemails when I called instead of telling him it was a waste of my time because he didn't check them! :) I miss him. A ton.

It just hit me.. I did see my brother again... on the EXACT day I was suppose too.. but .. instead of being able to hug my big, strong, brother... I had to look at him in that coffin. Really? Really?? Life really isn't fair.

But then I think of all these people in Haiti.. and I feel so selfish. It could have been so much worse, and I know that! I just pray that God can give us strength... give my mom strength.. and Britt... it is so hard, life is hard. ......

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Mistaken Identity

I just finished reading the book Mistaken Identity. These are a few things that I took from the book. When you read the quote- you may wonder... HOW do I think that pertains to my situation? After each quote, I am going to explain exactly why I thought this quote was specifically important to me.

"He sat silently in the chair for quite some time, gently crying, thinking about his daughter. As he reflected on the life she'd lived, he began to think about the life she continued to live in the presence of God. I wonder what Whit's doing right now. I wonder what she's experiencing, who she's met since she's been there, what she's thinking as she adjusts to life in heaven. "Adjusts"... I doubt if that's the right word, but I can't think of a better one."


I often wonder what my brother is doing up there. What is he thinking? They say when you get to heaven that you are very happy.. that you have no worries, no sickness, no sadness. It is so hard for me to imagine Shane there.. with no sadness or worries. He has three beautiful, amazing children that were his complete world. How can he be in heaven not worrying about them? Not being sad and MAD that he had to leave them? Heaven is something I can not comprehend. It doesn't seem to matter the faith I have had my whole life... this has really shaken it. I pray that God will give us, my whole family, a peace.... that there is a reason for this- that Shane is better off... and that in the end, it will all make perfect sense. But today... it doesn't and it never looks like it will.

"When they first recieved the news of Whitney's death, the four of them had been scattered from Michigan to Mississippi. In the week and a half since, they had hardly been apart. Sitting in the hotel room talking about Whitney, talking about what lay ahead in the comming weeks, they all knew that this would be their last time together for a while. Carly and Sandra had to go back to school. Newell and Colleen had to go back to work. LIFE REFUSED TO STAND STILL, EVEN THOUGH ALL FOUR OF THEM WONDERED HOW IT COULD MOVE ON."

When we first recieved the news of Shane... we were scattered all around as well. Texas- Gilmer, Abilene, Neches, Austin, and other places. Japan, Guam... or more significantly is my immediate family where we ranged from Misawa, Japan- Gilmer, Texas- Abilene, Texas. When we all made it to one aonther we were inseparable for the wohle month we were home. When we had to leave that was one of the hardest realizations... life refused to stand still... it still refuses to stand still. None of us, especialy the three of us, can understand how it can move on. But we do not have a choice and we have to get up everyday and move on with it. I can not understand... none of us can. It is so hard seeing people living their lives- especially when they are doing such crazy things... when we are just all hurting so bad.

"We can all fit in one car now, she thought. Now there's only five of us, and we can all take one car. She shook her head and recoiled at the thought."

When it was just me, mom, Shane, and Britt we could always fit in one car... But since he had the kids, we can't... even without Shane we can't. But for some reason, this quote really struck me. It is hard to realize that now... there are only 2 of us, kids. That our big brother is gone... that it is just me and Britt. Someoen said to me at the visitation that I have big shoes to fill... Because I am the oldest now. Who says that? Because truly- I AM NOT the oldest. My brother is. He may be gone- but if I am asked.. I still have a big brother. There have always been adn will always be 3 of us. I have always been the middle child and I will always be the middle child. It is a hard realization though to know that physically our brother will not be there anymore.

"He didn't feel angry at God for taking her away. Parents have to bury their children every day. Why would I assume that God would feel obligated to keep that from happening to us?"

This is something I have been thinking a lot about. We all thought when this happened, "things like this dont happen to our family." But now that it has-- why would we think that we were so special that tragedy would not hit us? It did-- and boy did it hit us hard. It truly makes you see how short life is. It makes me so mad how people take so much for granted... or live these terrible lives. I just can not get over it. I dont understand why God allowed this to happen- to say I am ANGRY at God- isnt true. To say I am ANGRY- is true. But not at God. I dont understand God right now, and I struggle getting close to him at this time.. but I am certainly not angry with him. I can say that with 100% truthfulness. I am just angry at the whole situation. And God is helping that anger, because my anger is not near what it was in December.

"Some of those people who say something about her being in heaven will often say something like "She's in such a better place, you wouldn't want to make her come back." I know that's true, but do you want to know my honest gut reaction? I DO want her back! I want her right back here with us. Is that selfish? I think every parent that has ever lost a child feels the same way."

Enough said. I don't feel selfish wishing he was here. For mom, me, Britt, the rest of our family, but mostly ASHTYN, ADDI, AND CHLOE. I do not think that God would think we are selfish. He knows how important Shane was to those kids- he knows how important it was that he was in their lives. I can not understand it. But if I could turn back the hands of time... boy, woudl I. we all would.

--
There are more quotes.. but this is what I am posting for today. I will post more later. I Am doing this more for myself than anything... as I do all my writing.

Red Box

You know there are songs that remind you of someone? Smells? Colors???? How many of you have seen the Red Box Video Rentals that have come all around American stores? Well can I just tell you how hard it was when I got home.. and I saw one. We were in the Longview Wal-Mart trying to do some Christmas shopping for the kids. When I saw it.. my heart- it just broke. Tears came to my eyes... and at that moment I was so grateful that I was heading to the bathroom. Why, you ask?

Shane LOVED Red Box. Something so small and little... but he was talking to me one day on the phone and telling me how awesome this new video rental is... Red Box. My brother loves to watch TV.. movies.. anything. Red Box was perfect for him. I do not remember all of the details, as I have never used it.. but I do remember him just telling me all about it and how much he loved it!

So... when I see a Red Box.. it makes me want to kick, punch, scream, or throw up. But mostly it makes me want to cry!

Cry for myself, selfishly, because I miss my brother. Cry because I miss hearing his voice... because I miss his random phone calls... I miss how when I would call him he was so caught up with the TV and barely talked sometimes... miss hearing him talk to his kids. And cry for myself, again selfishly, because... I was in Japan the last year and a half of my brothers life.

Cry for my mom... because she has lost her one and only son. Even if Shane was not the only son... it would still be just as hard. As I carry Baby Noah in my belly.. I still can not comprehend the pain or hurt that MY mom, my amazing, precious, one of a kind, mom is going through. I can not be there to help her, and I hurt for that as well. I cry for my mom because she is the one that has to carry one Shane with his kids... oh man.

Cry for my sister... because she has lost her brother as well. I cry for her because Shane was not able to attend her wedding... Shane was not able to come to her bachelorette party like Nathan did, because he would have been there... cry for her, just like for me, because our children will never nkow their Uncle Shane. I cry for her, because like me, our BIG brother, our protector, our joy, laughter, hard-headed, amazing brother... is gone.

I cry for everyone else in my family because they lost their son, grandson, cousin, nephew, etc. I know they all hurt. Everyone hurts. Craig and Paul, my cousins-- HURT! Brian, Shane's best friend-- HURTS! Craig just brought his new baby boy, Rylan Shane, into this world. Shane would have been there.. enjoying the moment with him.. and I know this time has been so hard for him. Brian, withour blessing and wishes, moved into our childhood home, my brothers house. Shane would not have had it any other way. But everyday he is there.. .dealing with it. Brian is like a brother. And I know this is so hard for him. I am SO thankful he is there with my mom and able to talk to her daily... and to continue the relationship she always had with him.

Then... I hurt so bad for Chloe, Ashtyn, and Addi. I think Chloe will always have memories that are not forgotten about her daddy. She loved her daddy. I remember the day she was born. It was such an amazing day. Chloe changed him. She made him a daddy... and that is the most important job he ever had.. and it is by far his favorite. Ashtyn is his little man. I still have a voicemail saved from 4 days before the wreck.. him telling me how happy he was that we were having aboy-- that now Ashtyn would have a boy cousin. He helped make Ashtyn tough. Shane always wanted to make sure he was a tough boy... and he is. Then there is little Addi. Boy, she loved her daddy. All three of these kids loved him. I loved hearing him say
"Buggy"... and it kills me that I will NEVER hear that again.

I read books and I watch all of these people of such strong faith. HOW is it possible that they are so strong? I do not understand! Is this something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life? I live in fear right now of losing someone else so close to me. I pray that the Lord will keep my family safe. All of us. I honestly do not think that I can even handle something like this ever again.

Oh, Red Box.. please go away.. Disappear... I do not want to see you again.

Out of Body

That is how I feel today. It kinda stinks. Today is a day that I truly just want to be alone- or with Nathan. I am not depressed.. I am just thinking about a lot of stuff and I am feeling pregnant today. I woke up swollen! Yikes!!! :) I am sure it will go away as the day continues. Also, all of this snow makes me want to stay in as well. I did my share of shoveling yesterday. I am thankful for Kim's husband, Jason, who helped me out a ton. He has done so much for me in the way of shoveling. Nate left straight for snowboarding from work and didnt get home until 1030pm. So, he missed out on all the fun of shoveling.. Again! :) But I do want him to go have a good time.. I am just not sure about this leaving before I see him and getting home so late when I am already asleep--- because his schedule does not give him the next day off.. he is back up at work this morning. Remember, he works 24 on, 24 off. We may have to talk about this.. :) But I guess when he is with other people, he isnt actually in control. Lord knows I have no desire to go and sit. It is freaking cold and none of my snow gear fits me. Eh.. I am in my 8th month of pregnancy.

We got Noahs carseat yesterday in the mail. We love it. Nate really likes it because it looks so sporty. Pictures of everything about Noah are on facebook. We have everything now. It is simply amazing. There is one thing we are waiting on in the mail that was bought for us... but... it isnt a necessity.

I am just rambling..

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Holy Snow!

9 inches of snow since yesterday afternoon. WOW! We are expect to get 3-5 more inches in the next 4 hours too! It is sooo crazy because.. you shovel or clean your car off.. 10 minutes later, you can not even tell. It just keeps coming. It is so pretty. I have not driven in it since last year though-- well I guess most of us have not! This is the best snow Misawa has seen all year. I am glad that I have Nate here to help me shovel it this year though. Last year he was deployed. The Fire Department would come and help-- but depending on who it was.... well, let's just say if it was certain people- I preferred them not coming. It is amazing how much peope do not want to help! :) But it is a good year for him to be here.. because I am pregnant, although Kimmy was preggo last year and she did it!

It is so pretty to watch the snow fall. I wish my snow gear fit! :0 I want to just let my students play in it. Maybe we will at the end of the day. Yes, I think that would be a very nice thing for me to do, don't you.

I can not help when I see the beauty of this snow.. to think that Shane will never see this again/if at all. Mind you we are from East Texas.. he may have seen it when he was in the military, I am not sure. It is hard when I see beautiful things, I eat a great meal, or I do something I enjoy-- beccause my thoughts go to my brother. I have to believe God is letting it snow in heaven too... Shane is experiencing things soooo unimaginable up there. Right? It is amazing how you can be such a firm believer of stuff your whole life, but when something hits you the way this has hit me... well, my faith and beliefs shake! I just wish I was involved in a strong church that had people surrounding me that were able to help me with the struggles that I continue to go through. My family too. I know Britt is involved in a great church and I can only pray that there are people there helping her through this very hard time. Because this time is so hard. But my mom and Greg.. they need a good church. The church they had been attending for over 2 years.. when Shane died, I think it was ONE person that came or called them. That hurts. It really does. I miss my brother.

I have Noah's room set up.. and Nate hung the picture of Shane and Ashtyn in there. It is amazing. I have to look at it as soon as I walk in the room, but it is okay. Like mom and I were talking about last night- sometimes the pictures are okay..Other times you want to break them in anger. I was going through Noah's baby bag last night looking for a couple of things that I can not find... and I found some pictures. Among those pictures is a GREAT picture of Shane and myself. I will have to get it scanned and put on here.. or I might have it somewhere, Ill have to look. It was the last day we were together... but what a great picture.

I listened to his voicemails the other day. It was hard. It is hard to know I will never hear HIM say.. "Hey Cass" or "Hey Sis" ever again. This hurts my heart SO bad. Then I think of our phone calls.. and to think I wont hear him talking to his kids... oh my gosh!!!!!

Well Holy Snow! It is so pretty here.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Pregnancy

*In an attempt to make my blog a little less negative/sad for some, I am going to post about different topics...*

Pregnancy, well.. it suits me. I enjoy it tremendously. The Lord has blessed Nate and I with this beautiful baby boy that is growing inside me. Along with that, the Lord has blessed us with an amazing pregnancy. On Wednesday (a day and a half) we will be 30 weeks. The time has literally flown by. All of this with no morning sickness, no aches, no pains, no braxton hicks.. nothing! It has been.... well near to perfect. I continously say how blessed I am.

But as we get closer and closer to meeting Baby Noah, the more and more I LOVE being pregnant. I am sure it is going to be amazing when I have him- but I know that I am going to miss being pregnant 100%. I love it! Also as we approach so much closer to this time of him entering our lives.. I become.. SCARED. FREAKED OUT! Seriously.. all you hear women say are how excited they are. I am a freaking nervous wreck. Our lives are about to change like crazy... It has just been.. well, US for the past 7 years.. this is going to be so different. Wow.

We have his room totally set up. We have every last thing we could possibly need for him. It is amazing. And I love EVERYTHING! Everything is exactly how I wanted it for the room adn everything else... It will be fun to have him, but oh so scary. When Allie (Kim's baby) is here.. I get more excited.. but when it is just Nate and I.. those are the times when I am like.. uh-- what the heck are WE DOING!?!? Craziness!

It is very obvious to me that GOD had Noah planned for us.. and at this time. We were not preventing for three years-- and it just so happens God allowed us to be blessed with this pregnancy 1.less than a month after Nate came home from Iraq 2.when I have a job that I am very happy with 3.when my sister really wanted me too 4.and gave me this boy when I lost one of the most important men in my life.

*If you dont want to read about my brother- dont read this part*
During the visitation and funeral time.. you have no clue how many people I had saying to me something about how... "God is giving you this boy at the perfect time because he knew Shane was going to be gone." Stuff like that. What did I do? I cried and smiled and hugged and said thank you. You know what I wanted to say? "SHUT UP" Seirously.. because in my mourning mind I was thinking..... if God is giving me this son to help me deal with my brother, I would much rather just have my brother. That makes sense to me. To others.. well it may seem harsh. But I mean it. But I also realize, even if I dont want to accept it, that god has a bigger plan. God has a reason that he allowed all of this to happen to Shane... and I have to be happy about Noah. And I am happy- but it is so hard. I have had a lot of people tell me that when I have Noah .. that I will experience the happiness that I am missing in my life right now.

Noah is due in two months.. and some days. It will be here before we know it. I am excited to have this child that is part of me and part of the man I love with all of my heart. I am so thankful to Nate for giving me the chance to carry his son and to be the mother of his son! This is an exciting time-- even among all of these hard times!!! :)

Jan. 10

I can not believe it is already Jan. 10th. This month is flying by like crazy. It is sooo insane to think that in two months+ that we will have our little Noah here. Our lives are about to change so much. We are use to it being just us... for almost seven years. This new addition is going to be great, nerve wracking, exciting, scary... all kinds of things. I am so ready for that time to come because I am beyond ready to be back with my mom. But the two weeks she will be here are going to zoom by. I wish she was staying a month this time too. But she can't.. and that is okay. But I already dread her leaving. Nate's mom will come in after her.. so we will be busy. Then we plan to go home when Noah is 4mth. in July. Ill miss my baby sister's college graduation in May- but at least I was there for her wedding. I will be at her graduation in spirit. I am so proud of her.

Mom had Addi, Chloe, and Ashtyn this weekend. I know she is tired. I know it is hard for her. But she is the most amazing Gammy-- I do not know what those kids would do without her.. I mean, since their whole lives-- if they had not had their Gammy involved... life would have for sure been different. I can not wait for Noah to meet his Gammy too! :) Then he can just see how awesome this woman that I talk about really is for himself! :) She took them to Chucky Cheese Saturday. Such a brave woman! I know it was hard for her because she said the last time she was there with them, Shane was with her too. She was very involved with the kids and a huge part even before this happened with Shane-- but many times he was right there with her doing the things. I know it is hard for her. I feel so terrible that I am not there with her, and I can not be. I hate it.

Speaking of Shane- man, this past week was a rough week. I just get into this funk towards the end of my workday... and i can not shake it. Everday last week, the drive home was terrible. Mind you- my drive home is maybe 8 minutes-- but it felt forever. The days that Nate was home... it was okay. The days he was not.. those were the really not so good days. I would just break down. i still just can not believe it. I dont want to believe it. I want to believe that he is just on a trip-- or that I have not talked to him in a while. More than anything right now- my heart hurts for my mom. I can not imagine being in her shoes-- losing her precious son. I just dont know. I see nothing right about this. Then those kids-- they are the ones that have truly been robbed. People stillt ry and say the things that they think they should say- but realistically, I wish that they wouldnt. I dont care about all the things that we all say to people to make them feel better. They dont make me feel better- I almost get angry. I know a lot of people look at me and wonder why I am still down about this- I mean, it has been five weeks. That is right! It has only been five weeks. I do not think I will ever be able to shake this. But honestly-- it is still too soon. I wonder if I will ever smile again. I am having to force myself to be the smarty pants around my friends that I have always been. Heck, I am having to force myself to even be around my friends. Because I.DONT.WANT.TOO. And anyone that knows me well.... knows that I always push those that I am closest too away during my hard times. I honestly just want to stay holed up in my house- and when Nate is at work, that is all fine. But when he is off, it isnt fair to him. I just dont know. I hurt. I continue to hurt. I will always hurt.

Noahs room is completed for the most part. We have every last thing that we need. It is getting exciting.. but then on the other hand, I am no where near ready! :) I just dont know how I am going to be a mommy-- it seems sooo crazy. Me, a mom. Nate, a dad! Wow!!! Alright blogger I am out for the night!

C

Saturday, 2 January 2010

Back in Japan...

Well here I sit at 345am on Sunday morning in Japan. I go back to work tomorrow. THAT is crazy. Was I ready to get here, absolutly not. Am I okay now, I am. Leaving my moms house was so much harder than I ever though possible. Moma had to go back to work and she waited until the very last minute to go. The last hug she gave me and Britt, she broke down.. then I broke down. I love my mom and I already miss her so much. Then we left. Now what you have to understand is that either way we go... we are either passing where Shane wrecked or the cemetery. Britt's husband took the cemetery route. The whole ride to the cemetery... I just cried. It isnt right. Then I feel like I am betraying everyone, including my brother, for leaving. I cried good for the next 10-15 minutes then I tried to start thinking of things to say that would get my mind off of it. ... It was a good ride with Britt and Meguell and I am so thankful to have had those extra couple hours sitting next to my sister in the car.

We get to the airport and we dont have a lot of waiting time, which was great. The flight was great. The flight attendants were very nice to me, as it is pretty obvious I am pregnant. :) It was a good flight and I did really good. We got to Narita and took the bus to Haneda.. we both slept the way to Haneda. We got our hotel room, bathed, and then went and had dinner. I was sooo tired. All I wanted to do was go to sleep- but the man, Nate, had to be fed. We finished dinner and made it back to our room right after 9pm. I went straight to sleep as Nate watched a little TV. Oh, I forgot to mention how swollllen my feet where. SOOO FAT! My left foot actually had cankles!! oMG! And throbbing-- I am proud to say that the swelling has gone down most of the way now and it is okay to walk on! :) I got up at 430am and showered and got ready. We were out the door by 6am and went to the other terminal, checked our baggage, got some breakfast and then loaded the flight. One hour later we were getting off the plane in Misawa. in a SNOWY, SNOWY Misawa.

And there they were. My friend. Abbey, Kim, Jason, and Baby Allie. Standing there waiting for us. IT means so much when you have such amazing friends. I am so close to these guys. Us girls are super close, but I feel we are almost as equally close between all six of us. It is crazy. CRAZY! It was snowing a little crazy outstide, so we told Kim and Jason just to meet us at our house. We, Nate-Me-Abbey, stopped at the Post Office to pick up packages. WE had about 10 to pick up. Poor Dezi, she barely had room in the car .. but she was mad at us anyways. :) Little Snot. :0 So.. then we load up and head home. Kim and Jason had stopped by the PO as well and checked their mail and given Nate a coffee and Ab and I a chai tea. So sweet. What great friends I have.

Then I get home. HOME. These girls. They took down every sign of Christmas in my house.. AND cleaned it. Cleaned it better than I do. Do you know what great friends that I have yet? Seriously???? Who does that? And what on earth will I do without these friends in a year and a half when we all leave Japan. The three of us are like.. well, I cant think of anything. But.. we are so great together. Anyways.. after I get over that inital shock and thankfulness... I am ready to open packages. Ab and I get it all opened and start going through the baby stuff in the suitcases when Kim and Jason come down. Well.. Ryan is snow boarding but the day before he and Jason had began making an igloo so the boys get SO excited nad Nate and Jason head out to work on it. They spent all day until about 5pm working on that. We, girls, spent all that time working on Noahs room. These girls are amazing. The worked so hard and it looks so good for now. Still have a few small things to do. But if he came toda, we would have what we need for him. I am blessed.

Then we spent the evening at the DeMoss'. I slept a lot of it! :) I just cant get over how great my friends are. I was dreading coming home. DREADING it and they have made it so much easier. They sat and watched the ultrasound DVD with me, SHANE's Memorial dVD, and Britts wedding DVD with me. Wonderful friends they are. Oka.. it is 355am now, Im going back to bed!

Night!