T-10 days

10 days from today is our due date. Noah could be here anytime-- or he could just keep on waiting.

Have I told you how much I HATE countdowns? They use to be so much fun. However, not anymore. 10 days from today is our due date for our precious baby boy. Back in November/December I had a countdown going too.. and I was 10 days away from flying home when my brother was killed in a car wreck. 10 days. Lord, let me get past TODAY in this pregnancy. I know it means nothing to so many, but to be honest, it is so hard for me. All I had was 10 days.. and I would have seen Shane, hugged Shane, laughed at/with Shane, and just spent time with Shane. Instead I only have the memories of our phone calls over the past year and a half I lived in Japan-- and our last day in Texas together. My family took the kids to Kid's Station in Longview and enjoyed our time there until I had to catch my flight... then we all went to the airport. I remember driving there.. 2 different cars. Us, and then Shane and all the kids.

At the airport, it was SO hard for me. I have never cried to much-- to that point in my life anyways. Our last pictures with each other, I am just tear stained.. I wasn't sad for our move to Japan- I was sad because I did not know when I would see my family again. My grief is worse now- because I truly did not know then that I would never see my brother alive again. I can not comprehend this. AT ALL! I know it has been over three months.. and anyone that sees me on a day to day basis or just in bypassing would never know the hurt that my heart endures. Some days are better than others.. some weeks are better than others. When I see pictures of my neices and nephew- I miss them. But my heart aches because I know that their daddy woudl want to be right there with all three of them. And none of us have that option.

I always turn my blog into something sad, sorry. I am doing a Bible Study with a group of ladies.. it has been wonderful. This past week we talked about LOSS. Do I understand things more clearer? No. Am I trying to trust God? Yes. Is this hard? For sure. I am thankful for the friends that God has brought into my life in Misawa. I have true friends here that I would be okay with being around for the rest of my life. I see God's hand in moving us from other friends and stufff.. I see how our lives have changed for the better and I just see the great things that have come from heartache of moving and leaving good friends in the past. Then I look at myself here.. my heart is goin to be TORN when I leave here. I can not see what good will come from separating me from certain people here. Just as I do not think I will EVER see or understand the purpose of my brother leaving this world. But one thing I know--- I do not need to understand, right? I just need to trust.

I can not wait to hold Noah. I Am not sure what kind of mommy I am going to be. But I pray that I adapt as well as I have always adapted to things in my life. I am so glad and thankful that my mom will spend two weeks with us. I miss her. I am going to be torn when she leaves.. and only have July/August to look foward to so I can see everyone at home again. Nates mom will come for 2 weeks after my mom.. then I go back to work. Is it starnge that I already dread that? I already dread not spending everyday with my son-- and he isnt even here yet. My prayer is that God truly gives me the desire to spend time with hima nd to love every minute of it. I know our lives are about to change.. and it seems so crazy, since it has always just been US! But we can do this. I know that Nater is going to be a great daddy and I can not wait to see him in action. I see him with our neices and nephews.. and I know without a doubt he will be great. Strict, yes.. but wonderful.

Anyways.. I am off to get ready for this Sunday morning. I am excited for our Bible Study this afternoon... Ill let you know when Noah gets here!