Tuesday, 29 June 2010

June 30, 2010

A day I wish could have just not happened this year. This would have been my big brother's 30th birthday. In previous years.. I would have already been talking to him for a couple of weeks about what he wanted for his birthday.. and most likely in the end, I would have just given him money! :) My brother was a funny guy... oh how I miss him. I mentioned in a previous post that this has been a very hard month. And it has. I think about him constantly. I see his face, her his voice, just all of the memories. 15 days from now, his birthday, I go home. And he wont be there. Chloe, Shane's oldest, wants to cook a cookie cake for her daddy and make shirts for her, the other kids, and her Daddy. This is just how she is dealing with it. I am so glad that my mom is strong enough to do these things with her. Because once again, I am thankful that I am not there to be a part of this.. because emotionally, I probably couldn't handle it. HOWEVER, how I really wish that I could be with my family today.

I told my sister yesterday that I dreaded today. She didn't understand why- because in America, the next day was only the 29th. Then she understood. She said it kinda sucks because I have to have the 30th for a little longer. No, it wont be the 30th in Japan for two days... but I will know it IS his birthday in the states even when it is July 1st here.. It sucks.

I miss you Shane, every last thing about you. I keep thinking about how you would just hug me.. and I wish I could have that hug again. My heart hurts for your kids, but I know that you are watching moma keep your memory alive... and doing the things you would be doing with them. You will always be my big brother and when asked how many brothers and sisters I have- I will always have two... my older brother and my younger sister.

I love you.

I miss you.

Happy 30th Birthday.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Routine

Noah will be 3 months old in 4 days. It is so hard to believe that everything has gone by so fast. It amazes me that I have only been his mommy for three months though, I do not remember not having him barely. Neither of us feel like we are missing anything now that we have him. As Nate said, 'our life is so much more fun.' People really just don't seem to understand when I say I DESIRE to be with Noah. I have no desire to go out without him, do things without him, etc. Now, Nate and I will go out without him... but we NEED that for our marriage. But me- I dont WANT to leave him with Daddy when I go to the store just because Daddy is home. I seem to ALWAYS want Noah with me. I have had so many people make comments to me like: 'just wait' 'that will change' 'it is all so new for you now'... I do not want it to change. EVER. I want to always WANT to be with him. I have one friend that LOVES being with her kids... always wants to do things with them... I hope I can be that way. I hope that I can always be as happy as I am now. I feel like this is what I was made to do: Be a Mommy.

Anyways.. I think we are finally into a routine. Before it seemed that everytime I thought we might be into one... well he would change it. But for about the past month, things have been the same. He has really grown out of the fussy stages he went through in the first 8 weeks.. he has been doing GREAT. This seems to be our daily routine:

630-700: Wake up, Eat, Play
800-830: Nap time (very important nap time for him)
930-1000: Eat, Play
1230-100: Nap
100-300: Eat, Play
300-330: Nap
330-530: Play, Cook Dinner, Sit at the Table while Mommy and Daddy eat dinner, Eat
530-600: Nap (very important nap time for him)
700- Begins our nightly routine
*We usually play some more until 730
*In high chair.. we eat rice cereal and now green beans
*Bath time
*Dry off, lotion up
*Naked time in bedroom with his lullubys playing (uslaly about 20 minutes)
*Story time
*Snack time with Mommy, Rock

830: Put in bed while he is still awake. Turn on his mobile.. Within 15 minutes he is asleep, sprawled out, no pacy! And.. he hasnt been crying, it has been good. I hope this routine keeps going!! :)

I am SO in love with Noah... this is not exagerrated at all.. I never knew I could love like this.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Hard Times

For the past few days I have really been having a hard time with everything. June is a month that I have been dreading for six months. It hit the sixth month mark since MY BROTHER died in a car wreck, sixs months since I recieved the phone call and had to journey home with a broken heart with Red Cross, one week shy of when I had tickets to go home for my baby sisters wedding. Six months since I walked in the door at my moms house around 830pm on a Saturday night with tons of family and friends there, six months since I sat next to Chloe, Shane's oldest, and she whispered to me 'did you hear about my Daddy?'... Six months since my life changed FOREVER!

I had just talked to Shane a couple of days before.. he had been to the ER because his back was really bad, I remember this. I had not been able to get a hold of him, I left a message.. I NEVER left messages for him :) He called me back but I was at work... he left a message.. that I still have. Congratulating me on my little boy- exciting to him to finally be an uncle.. and for Ashtyn to have a boy cousin on our side.. We talked later. How I miss talking to my random brother. There have been a lot of times throughout these six months in the early mornings of my getting ready I think I should call Shane- I still do it. And... I can't. Noahs room has three pictures of Shane in it. Noahs room is very calm and relaxing.. and it is normally in Noahs room where I break down the most...and usually while hodling my sweet baby boy... praying I never have to go through what my mom has had to go through and that Noah never has to go through what Addi, Ashtyn, and Chloe are all going through. It breaks my heart- all of it.

Then Father's Day came. I honestly dealt with all of it the best I could that day. I didn't go to church.. and just hung out around my house. I went to the FD for dinner with Nate.. and I did push a lot of my pain out of my mind.. because along with that pain, i had a lot of excitement.. Nate's first Daddy's Day. But that didn't take away the pain while skyping with my nephew Ashtyn.. he wanted to show me the rose he got for his daddy.. or the Father's Day card he made his TawTaw (my moms husband)... or when I hear from moma that the first thing Addi said on Father's Day when she woke up was 'can i take my rose to daddy?'.... Really? 3,4,8 years old.. they seem to be able to go to the place where Shane is.. and yell out Daddy.. and yet, here I am 26.. and I just can not deal with it... and they have lost so much more than I have... at least I had a life with my brother. My heart breaks that Noah will never nkow him.. but at least Noah has his daddy- those babies do not. I just do not understand.

And then... his birthday is coming up. He was going to be 30 on the 30th. I have a friend that has a baby being born and she is due on the 30th.. I plan to go there when she has her, but man, I pray it is not on the 30th.. that is going to be a rough day for me.. I am glad Nate has to work. I handle things better alone.. Last year mom and Britt were here. He wanted Japanese stuff for his house for his birthday. So we bought him all kinds of stuff... and they took it home to him. My brother was always so funny.. and how I miss him. I have dreaded his birthday since the day I found out about his wreck. How do I sit here 6 months later.. in such pain still? Praise God he has given me some joy- Noah. When all of that happened with Shane, I truly did not think I was going to be happy when noah was born.. I am so thankful for my boy and never want to take a single moment for granted.

I find myself thinking about Shane alot. I see Shane in Noah sometimes and I have more than one person that has told me that Noah kinda looks like him. i found myself chewing on my bottom lip the other day.. I was skyping with my mom, we were talking about Shane.. and I started doing it. Shane use to do that.. I do not think my mom noticed.. and when I realized what I was doing- I stopped. All Shane ever wanted frome me was to move closer home.. he would happy to know that we are finally at a point in our life that we are okay coming closer to home. We know that were we go next, in one year, is where we are suppose to be- and if it is in the states.. that is great. I just hate that it took my brothers death for me to realize what he always tried to tell me "money isnt that important." Oh and how he lived by that. Shane struggled... but he knew what was important.. family. I also know that family is important.. but we are always thinking about the future, the future.. so what happens if our future is ripped out from under us.

I find myself thinking of the day mom, britt, and i cleaned out his house. He lived in our childhood house. I VIVIDLY remember the main thing that go to me when I was there. Mind you, we were all in a zone-- and it almost just felt like we were helpign him clean his house- as we have all done before... But when I saw next to his bed- his cell phone charger- still plugged into the wall.. I couldnt handle it. I remember telling mom, britt, or both of them.. that what upsets me so much is that Shane woke up to go to work, did what he normally does, and NEVER ONCE thought that he was not going to be back home, charging his cell phone, sleeping in his bed that night.. or ever again. Isn't that what we all do.. live day by day... thinking nothing will happenn to us.

And here I sit- 3 weeks from coming home. Six months ago right now, I was also counting down.. When July 7 gets here.. that is going to eb another hard day. That is my 9 DAYS countdown mark.. the same place I was at on my countdown when I got that terrible call from my amazing mom... I need to make it over that day. I need to get home this time with everyone there.. and we need to arrive safely. We need this. I need my family and I need to show off my son. It is going to be so hard not hvaing Uncle Shane there.. he was so proud of us.. and so happy to be an uncle.

Time keeps going.. and in some ways it does get easier... I think the months of June and December are always going to be hard months.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Daddy's Day

So today is Nathan's first Father's Day... he has to work! :) A couple of nights ago we took our dinner, curry and rice, and went and had a picnic on suicide hill- a hill on base that overlooks the lake on base, it was very pretty. I'll say that was in part celebrating Daddy's Day.. not really, but it sounds good! When Nate came home from work on Saturday morning we made a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Then he opened his gifts, 6 new silk ties, a $50 itunes giftcard (for his new ipod touch he just got for his birthday), and a book from Noah. :) We spent a great day together and then some time with friends later that night.

Nathan is such a great daddy. He surpasses anything that I ever thought about... it took a minute for him to adapt to it, but now- he is AWESOME. He loves his boy so much and they have fun together. I fall in love over and over again when I see the two of them interacting together. We have really been spending a lot of time with just us lately. It was nice to hang out with friends last night... but I think we have both been enjoying our family time.

In a week we are going camping. Normally we have the Wade's with us to go... they are out of town. Last year we did take a second camping trip- just the two of us, it was GREAT. So, we are going just the three of us this year. Perhaps we will find time in August to go with our friends.. although I doubt it because we have all taken leave for at least a month this summer.

We head home on 15 July-- so ready.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Happy Mommy

I took Noah running this afternoon... not too far, but hey, I ran! :) As we ran, I was making him smile and laugh- anyone that passed me thought I was crazy I am sure. I realized right then that I do not think I have smiled as much in my adult life as I have since having Noah. This little boy has certainly made my world complete. I have to say- becoming a Mommy was not hear as hard as I expected it to be. It did...COME NATURAL. I have loved every minute of it. There has not been a moment that has gone by that I have questioned what I am doing as a mommy... i love it, I love him. This little boy is the light of my world... and he has finally started setting into a routine. Noah is a very happy baby. For the most part he doesnt cry- unless he is tired or hungry. He laughs and smiles almost constantly.. except his Daddy gets him to laugh a WHOLE lot more than mommy! :) He has rolled over, held onto his toys, played with his toys.. he is getting so big, so fast.

Sunday he will be 12 weeks.. that means Sunday is 12 weeks since I had him. It is PAST time to get set on working out and eating right. It is time!

School is out. Noah survived with Abbey! Abbey and Ryan have now left for the states and they are gone a month. They do not get back until we are already gone. 2 months without the Wade's.. gonna be hard for this Shaw family.

Yes, on the 15th of July we head to Texas again. I can not wait for everyone to meet Noah. I am very nervous about being there though. I do not know how I am going to handle my brother NOT being there. I know that I have not dealt with all of this- it almost seems easier.. not too. I just pray that God guides me and is with me when I get home and have to deal with all of this again. My poor mom.. deals with it on a day to day basis. I get to see her, britt, and grandma.. and I can not wait for Gma and BT to meet Noah!!

Now.. to spend my summer with my little boy!! I looooove playing with him and talkign to him. I never get bored with him.. and I LOVE IT!!!