NoAh

I love him. I love being his mommy... I just love life. I truly can not imagine my life without him anymore. He has been the greatest joy in my life lately. God has given me the most amazing gift. I have really stepped into this mommyhood thing pretty well. I am still out of work. I took off of work until June 1st.. which then he will be a little over 9 weeks old. Noah and I have really been enjoying our time together. Being a mommy is not as hard to me as so many people have led me to believe it is in the early stages. I love getting up to feed him in the middle of the night, I love the bond that we have. Noah and I have had this mommy/son bond from the very beginning and I am so thankful for it.

He is such a strong boy. He loves laying on the floor and playing around. He holds his head up high.. He plays on his own in his crib or pack and play.. AND he wakes up so happy and smiling. He fits right into our little family because Nate, me, and Dezi ALL wake up happy in the mornings usually! We are a morning family! :) Noah loves bath time. He really enjoys it and it relaxes him. He is finally enjoying riding in his carseat AND his swing. I started thinking for a while that he may never like his swing or bouncy chair, but he is coming around. He has the most beautiful smile.. if you have me on facebook you have seen pictures! That smile can make me melt at anytime.

I love rocking him at night. I do not really rock him to sleep, he prefers to lay by himself and fall asleep or just lay on me. But after his bath I rock him. We rock and say our prayers.. and I can tell you- more times then not I break down during our nightly prayer times.. I am soooo THANKFUL for this gift God has given me. I just pray over Noah's life. ... My grandma taught me this. She would pray for all of us and our future life and mate all the time when we were young. Then my prayers lead to my family-- my brother and I just CRY!

I miss Shane so much. I just HURT that he will never be called Uncle Shane to his face. Sometimes it hits me still that my brother is gone and I just get sick, physically. It does not seem right. It isn't right. When things are going crazy at home I once again question WHY!?! I know God has a plan and a reason but I can not undersatnd it. It is sooo hard not to become bitter or angry. But his three children are being raised now without a daddy. There will be another man to step in since they are so young and I do not think it is right. I get so upset too because I know the love Shane had for Chloe. Addi. Ashtyn... and I understand it now that I have Noah. I DO NOT want some other woman raising my son. I want to live a long life and be with him.. but I now live with this fear that I will leave just like Shane.

I know for a fact that I have not dealt with my brothers death. Rushing to the states because he had passed away, helping my mom settle things we had to settle, my sister getting married, Christmas, baby showers, then it was time to come home. There was a lot of technical things going on when I went home for his funeral. Then I come back to JApan- where Shane isnt even normally at. .... so this is normal for me. We have tickets home July-August. I know it is going to be SO hard for me then.. to not see him, to go to his graveside, to just realize.

I am so thankful that Noah is a boy. I was really like 'uh oh' at frist becuse I had no clue what I was going to do with a boy-- but God knows and I am so thankful for my son. When we went to our 23 week ultrasound they would not tell us what he is. At that time they would not tell you in Japan on base, but we had a 4D scheduled when we were going to Texas for Britt's wedding.. but Nate SWORE it was a boy.. so made me tell everyone. SO.. I did. The week before my brother died I called him several times to tell him.. but he had been asleep because he was on medication because he had hurt his back. I finally just left him a message telling him he was going to be an Uncle to a little boy-- and I went to work. At work that day I had a voicemail from him congratulating me on the little boy and telling me he was excited Ashtyn would have a boy cousin! :) I talked to him the next day.. within the next few days is when he had his wreck... I just prayed and prayed that Nate was right and that Noah WAS a little boy.. I didn't know if I could handle it if he wasnt a boy since I had told my brother he was!!!

Thank you God for my son. For my husband. For my family. And for my amazing friends in Misawa. Thank you for giving me the best gift of all... mommyhood!