Hard Times

For the past few days I have really been having a hard time with everything. June is a month that I have been dreading for six months. It hit the sixth month mark since MY BROTHER died in a car wreck, sixs months since I recieved the phone call and had to journey home with a broken heart with Red Cross, one week shy of when I had tickets to go home for my baby sisters wedding. Six months since I walked in the door at my moms house around 830pm on a Saturday night with tons of family and friends there, six months since I sat next to Chloe, Shane's oldest, and she whispered to me 'did you hear about my Daddy?'... Six months since my life changed FOREVER!

I had just talked to Shane a couple of days before.. he had been to the ER because his back was really bad, I remember this. I had not been able to get a hold of him, I left a message.. I NEVER left messages for him :) He called me back but I was at work... he left a message.. that I still have. Congratulating me on my little boy- exciting to him to finally be an uncle.. and for Ashtyn to have a boy cousin on our side.. We talked later. How I miss talking to my random brother. There have been a lot of times throughout these six months in the early mornings of my getting ready I think I should call Shane- I still do it. And... I can't. Noahs room has three pictures of Shane in it. Noahs room is very calm and relaxing.. and it is normally in Noahs room where I break down the most...and usually while hodling my sweet baby boy... praying I never have to go through what my mom has had to go through and that Noah never has to go through what Addi, Ashtyn, and Chloe are all going through. It breaks my heart- all of it.

Then Father's Day came. I honestly dealt with all of it the best I could that day. I didn't go to church.. and just hung out around my house. I went to the FD for dinner with Nate.. and I did push a lot of my pain out of my mind.. because along with that pain, i had a lot of excitement.. Nate's first Daddy's Day. But that didn't take away the pain while skyping with my nephew Ashtyn.. he wanted to show me the rose he got for his daddy.. or the Father's Day card he made his TawTaw (my moms husband)... or when I hear from moma that the first thing Addi said on Father's Day when she woke up was 'can i take my rose to daddy?'.... Really? 3,4,8 years old.. they seem to be able to go to the place where Shane is.. and yell out Daddy.. and yet, here I am 26.. and I just can not deal with it... and they have lost so much more than I have... at least I had a life with my brother. My heart breaks that Noah will never nkow him.. but at least Noah has his daddy- those babies do not. I just do not understand.

And then... his birthday is coming up. He was going to be 30 on the 30th. I have a friend that has a baby being born and she is due on the 30th.. I plan to go there when she has her, but man, I pray it is not on the 30th.. that is going to be a rough day for me.. I am glad Nate has to work. I handle things better alone.. Last year mom and Britt were here. He wanted Japanese stuff for his house for his birthday. So we bought him all kinds of stuff... and they took it home to him. My brother was always so funny.. and how I miss him. I have dreaded his birthday since the day I found out about his wreck. How do I sit here 6 months later.. in such pain still? Praise God he has given me some joy- Noah. When all of that happened with Shane, I truly did not think I was going to be happy when noah was born.. I am so thankful for my boy and never want to take a single moment for granted.

I find myself thinking about Shane alot. I see Shane in Noah sometimes and I have more than one person that has told me that Noah kinda looks like him. i found myself chewing on my bottom lip the other day.. I was skyping with my mom, we were talking about Shane.. and I started doing it. Shane use to do that.. I do not think my mom noticed.. and when I realized what I was doing- I stopped. All Shane ever wanted frome me was to move closer home.. he would happy to know that we are finally at a point in our life that we are okay coming closer to home. We know that were we go next, in one year, is where we are suppose to be- and if it is in the states.. that is great. I just hate that it took my brothers death for me to realize what he always tried to tell me "money isnt that important." Oh and how he lived by that. Shane struggled... but he knew what was important.. family. I also know that family is important.. but we are always thinking about the future, the future.. so what happens if our future is ripped out from under us.

I find myself thinking of the day mom, britt, and i cleaned out his house. He lived in our childhood house. I VIVIDLY remember the main thing that go to me when I was there. Mind you, we were all in a zone-- and it almost just felt like we were helpign him clean his house- as we have all done before... But when I saw next to his bed- his cell phone charger- still plugged into the wall.. I couldnt handle it. I remember telling mom, britt, or both of them.. that what upsets me so much is that Shane woke up to go to work, did what he normally does, and NEVER ONCE thought that he was not going to be back home, charging his cell phone, sleeping in his bed that night.. or ever again. Isn't that what we all do.. live day by day... thinking nothing will happenn to us.

And here I sit- 3 weeks from coming home. Six months ago right now, I was also counting down.. When July 7 gets here.. that is going to eb another hard day. That is my 9 DAYS countdown mark.. the same place I was at on my countdown when I got that terrible call from my amazing mom... I need to make it over that day. I need to get home this time with everyone there.. and we need to arrive safely. We need this. I need my family and I need to show off my son. It is going to be so hard not hvaing Uncle Shane there.. he was so proud of us.. and so happy to be an uncle.

Time keeps going.. and in some ways it does get easier... I think the months of June and December are always going to be hard months.