Texas, here we come

As I write this my Noah is sitting up using his boppy pillow watching a Disney movie! He just finished eating his rice cereal and applesauce.. he LOVED it. Yesterday and today have been.... wierd. Noah has been quite clingy to me and whiney.. he isnt normally a whiney baby. Perhaps.. perhaps he understands when Mommy tells him that we are going to have to share eachother when we get to Texas! :) What do you think? I just love him. He is growing up so fast. He is now rolling both ways and began working with a sippy cup today. He is sooo sweet.

I am reading a book.. and I found a quote that has become my prayer for my trip home..

"Lord, give me the Strength to be Weak"I am not a weak person and I certainly do not show my weakness.. when I write in here.. I am writing things that I normally do not talk about- in regards to my brother. But I have to DEAL with his death this trip home, I HAVE to. So, truly- I need strength to be weak. That is quite sad that I have to pray that God will help me be weak. But I know I need to go to his graveside.. I know I need to go talk to him... I need to see his headstone. I need to do all of this. And.. I think I need to do it alone. Although that thought, totally- freaks me out!!!

I am very excited for this trip home. But I am very sad at the same time. I am sad that my brother will not be there to give me one of his hugs.. I am sad that he will not get to meet his precious nephew.. and I am sad that he will not be there to bug the crap out of me and give me a hard time. I am sad that I wont get to watch him father his children this trip-- and I am nervous to hear them talk about him. It has been almost 8 mths since I last spoke with him. ... and all I want is to call him.. or to get annoyed with his million calls.. but still laugh and love him through the annoyance! Gosh, I miss him.

I can not wait to see my grandma with Noah... I just CAN NOT wait. She is the first person that will get him when we land. She can not wait. We are very close.. and I know she loves him so much- I just can not wait to see her with him.. and for him to give her one of his amazing smiles.

Then my sis.. I can not wait for her to get there and meet him1! She is going to love him. She says it is sooo wierd still to know that Noah is MY child.. but she is the most AWESOME aunt EVER!! And Noah is going to loooove her.

My mom... I think Noah will remember her voice when he heras her. He skypes with her often.. and laughs and talks to her.. and he stares so intently... It is so sweet.

Please pray for safe travels.. as we leave in a few short hours!!!

Be blessed. And again I pray that the Lord will give me the strength to be weak.

Fireworks and Toy Story

I would be okay if I never saw fireworks again. We watched them on the 5th of July here.. because it was so foggy on the 4th that they were postponed. Luckily Noah was sleepy, so I walked him around and then sat at a table in front of our group of friends... This was good for me because I was able to .. be me. Shane LOVED fireworks. Every year he would get them and fire them off for his kids.. Every Year. Those kids LOOOVE fireworks.. and love running around with sparklers.It has been many years since I have been home for the 4th.. but I have always seen pictures.. as I did this year. The only people missing from my family were me and Shane. Difference is, I am still able to go.. he isnt. So, all that to say- Forget Fireworks.

Kim and I were watching Toy Story 1 and 2 today, preparing ourselves to go see Toy Story 3. I was reminded during the first one how my brother watched that movie over and over and OVER!!! He looooved it. He had the cowboy and Buzz Light year. Matter of fact, Buzz is now at my moms house still in the box. He even had a huge Buzz on his wall.. So sad. Memories.. they make you smile and cry.

7 days until Texas. At least I made it past the 9 day mark, I guess.

July 4th

Once again I am spending July 4th away from East Texas while my WHOLE family is together. Lucky for me they have skype and skype with me. There are two differences this year: I have Noah to entertain me as I am alone AND my brother is not in East Texas enjoying the 4th and giving me a hard time via skype or the phone for not being there. It is so sad how life has to go on. I wish I could just rewind to the day 2+ years ago that I left.. and stay there.. but add Noah to the mix.

I go home in 11 days. I am beyond ready. I can not wait for everyone to meet Noah. I do hope that being with my family will make it so much easier to just deal with everything at home. Not having Shane .. sucks. I do not know how else to put it. No one can ever truly understand this kind of loss until you go through it. It is terrible.

Shane's best friend, Brian, found out his daddy died on the 27th. I hurt for B. His birthday is in June too.. and he had a hard time on Shane's bday because they use to party together... and Shane was no longer here. And then to top it off, he found out of his daddy's death ON Shane's birthday. I hurt for him and i can not wait to hug him and for Noah to meet his Uncle Brian. I know that B will never take the place of my brother- but I also know that he will try his darndest to be the uncle that Shane WOULD HAVE been to Noah. And for that-- I am SO thankful.

My boy makes me happy. I am sooo proud of him and everything he does. I love him so much and I love being a mommy. This transition to mommyhood has not been challenging for me and I am sooo thankful. There were times in the beginning that I questioned myself about things- but all in all, it has been AWESOME. I can not believe he is 3mths old.. where does the time go?

Have a Happy 4th everyone!