Here we are.
Is it true that we have really gone two full years without my brother now? I remember that day sooo well.. and I hate it. I remember I was six months pregnant and man, I could not wait to go home. I remember we were having "Fun Friday" at school and we were letting our sixth graders roam from room to room deciding what they wanted to do. My room was for the games and such.. it was pretty loud. I remember that a younger student had a birthday and she brought me a cupcake. I was sitting by my door on a stool because the school day was almost over.. Something didn't feel right to me. I am not making that up. I remember how after I got the news and was just thinking how I would think back to my day and how odd it was that it was just an 'ugh' afternoon. The sweet little girl brought me the cupcake and I didn't want it, but I took it from her. I ended up giving it to one of my sixth graders right before the bell rang for the day. I had never been so glad for the day to end. I left about 20 minutes before I was 'suppose' to that day. I walked through my front door five minutes after 3pm. I remember laying my stuff down and looking at Nate. I felt exhausted... emotional... just unhappy. I remember telling Nate that I had had a bad day! But I couldn't explain why. Shortly after is when I got the phone call.
http://shaw-family-adventures.blogspot.com/2009/12/saddest-news-of-my-life.html
I didn’t sleep much that night. We had our Fire Department Christmas Party that my friend and myself had worked so very hard to put together. I didn’t go. Who would? We spent a long time in the shirts office. I have such a deep appreciation and respect for what our first shirts do now… because I saw a big part of what they do for dependants that night. I had been able to get American Airlines to switch our tickets, no problems-no fees, by one week to get us on the first plane out on Saturday morning. Red Cross is there to get family home, FOR FREE, at times such as this. I told the shirt that he didn’t have to go that route, that we had handled it… but he wanted to get us home that route because he explained that is what they are there for. So by midnight we had our tickets printed out, ready to fly out the next morning, Thank You Red Cross. Military- you know how when you go overseas or maybe even stateside, I am not sure… but they give you the spill about Red Cross and give you the card with the number. Just.In.Case. Yea, I have heard many of those talks…. Never thought I would be the one utilizing them. ESPECIALLY for a sibling. Nevertheless, I am very thankful for them.
The rest of the trip is such a blur to me. I remember crying most of the time. We had to sit at Narita Airport in Tokyo for like six hours. That WAS SO hard. I would go to the bathroom and do as I do even now- and shake my head saying NO! This wasn’t right. My husband was my rock. I don’t know what I would have done had I not had Nate. I am so thankful that he was not deployed at that time. Had he been, I can guarantee that Abbey would have been with me. No way would she have let me go alone. I remember my friends wanted to come over that day I found out. I begged Nate not to let them… and I am pretty positive that they did not.
I really just can’t believe we are sitting here at two years. It has really been TWO FREAKING YEARS since this nightmare began. So much has happened in two years…. And how I wish he was here. I will never understand why God allowed this to happen and didn’t just save him. I know there is a reason, but I will never, EVER understand it… Nor will I like it.
I truly appreciate those of you that have been of comfort to my mom, sister, and dad. It means so much to me. Unless you have walked in our shoes, you will never know the pain. The pain of losing a brother is so very different from losing a son. The pain of losing your best friend is so different from losing your son or brother. The pain of losing your son is so different from losing a brother. The pain of losing someone that is LIKE a brother, is still so very different. I am so thankful for those of you that have reached out to us… and tried to understand my mom, sister, and me. Those of you that have been there for each of us. We love you for it. This has been the hardest time of our lives… and I don’t see the pain ever subsiding. We feel like we live in a dream. The question is.. how did we get here.. And how I wish we could wake up from this dream.
My family- mom, Shane, and me are unique… we are close. So losing Shane has truly been like losing a part of our soul, our body, everything. No one can ever understand the bond between us. I am SO thankful for my family… and will do anything for them. My brother taught me that! His family was everything. He would have done anything for Britt, Mom, or Me. He would do anything for his children. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that my brother is looking down on us… proud of who we are… how we are keeping his memory alive for his babies.
So as we remember my brother today……. Please just say a quick prayer for my family. My mom, Dad, Sister, and Shane’s kids…
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