D.R.E.A.D.I.N.G. I.T.

Here I sit, the Eve of my first real day back at work. Some would think I am crazy because I only have three weeks until school is out for the summer. I am blessed that I have been able to take the past 10 weeks off to be with my little boy and I am even more blessed that the career I chose years ago gives me summers off. But here it is, almost 11pm, and I can not go to sleep. I D.R.E.A.D leaving Noah tomorrow. Sure, I have worked a few times already-- but the fact that I know tomorrow starts my really going back to work- hurts my heart. I am going to miss my sweet boy. No one calms him like I do, so of course I am going to worry. This starts the next three weeks of him eating from a bottle 2-3 times during the day. I am so not ready for that.

What about our morning cuddle time? Our good morning smiles? Our morning cleaning chores? All of these small things that I have grown to love about having my little man... begin to stop tomorrow morning. I can not wait until Saturday already. I love this little munchkin and I strongly envy stay at home moms. I want to be the one that he is always with- the one that teaches him everything-- and then watches him do it.

Oh geez.. the more I sit here thinking about it, the less I like the thought. This blog was just to let everyone know that I go back to work tomorrow and YES I am having a hard time with it. THIS, coming from the girl that has said all along that it would sooo not be hard, I would be ready, being a stay at home mom is not for me.. PHEW, that was before I met my perfect baby. But I will go.. and with a joyful heart.. and enjoy my last few weeks with my other kiddos.

Please pray for me tomorrow.

Being a Mommy

Is the best gift that I have ever been given. I am so grateful that the Lord thought that I could do this. I feel blessed for the son he gave me. Noah is perfect and he loves his mommy and daddy. We are heading to the states on 15 July. I am so ready for my sister and grandma to meet Noah. Nate will be there almost three weeks and I will be able to stay almost a month.. so excited.

Noah is smiling and laughing all over- it is sooo precious. I love waking up to his smile every morning... and I LOOOOVE making him smile by smiling at him and telling him that I looove him.

He is growing so fast- already two months. He is such a strong baby and loooves to stand up, with help of course. His head is super strong.. and he just seems to be moving right along at a steady pace!

I love being a mommy. I was so scared I would not be able to do it, but I truly feel that I have gotten it down. Nate and I are doing great together-- and even better as parents. He is a wonderful Daddy and I loove watching him with Noah. I truly feel blessed to have the husband that I have and to have the son that I have.

Nate and I attended a LOVE RECONNECTION class put on my the chapel.. and can i tell you- it has made such a difference in our lives together. Words can not even exprress it..

:)

Going Back to Work

This will be my last week off of work. When I go back I will have been out of work almost 10 weeks. I am so blessed with such an awesome principal that truly let me take all of the time I wanted. It is time for me to go back and finish the year with my kids, but I am not going to lie- it is going to be so hard. I am so thankful that God brought Abbey into my life. We will be best friends forever and I know this. I am so thankful for her willingness to help me out with Noah. It is simply amazing. So on June 1st I will go back to work. School ends on the 17th... so not too long! :) Just a brief update on my status of work..lol

NoAh

I love him. I love being his mommy... I just love life. I truly can not imagine my life without him anymore. He has been the greatest joy in my life lately. God has given me the most amazing gift. I have really stepped into this mommyhood thing pretty well. I am still out of work. I took off of work until June 1st.. which then he will be a little over 9 weeks old. Noah and I have really been enjoying our time together. Being a mommy is not as hard to me as so many people have led me to believe it is in the early stages. I love getting up to feed him in the middle of the night, I love the bond that we have. Noah and I have had this mommy/son bond from the very beginning and I am so thankful for it.

He is such a strong boy. He loves laying on the floor and playing around. He holds his head up high.. He plays on his own in his crib or pack and play.. AND he wakes up so happy and smiling. He fits right into our little family because Nate, me, and Dezi ALL wake up happy in the mornings usually! We are a morning family! :) Noah loves bath time. He really enjoys it and it relaxes him. He is finally enjoying riding in his carseat AND his swing. I started thinking for a while that he may never like his swing or bouncy chair, but he is coming around. He has the most beautiful smile.. if you have me on facebook you have seen pictures! That smile can make me melt at anytime.

I love rocking him at night. I do not really rock him to sleep, he prefers to lay by himself and fall asleep or just lay on me. But after his bath I rock him. We rock and say our prayers.. and I can tell you- more times then not I break down during our nightly prayer times.. I am soooo THANKFUL for this gift God has given me. I just pray over Noah's life. ... My grandma taught me this. She would pray for all of us and our future life and mate all the time when we were young. Then my prayers lead to my family-- my brother and I just CRY!

I miss Shane so much. I just HURT that he will never be called Uncle Shane to his face. Sometimes it hits me still that my brother is gone and I just get sick, physically. It does not seem right. It isn't right. When things are going crazy at home I once again question WHY!?! I know God has a plan and a reason but I can not undersatnd it. It is sooo hard not to become bitter or angry. But his three children are being raised now without a daddy. There will be another man to step in since they are so young and I do not think it is right. I get so upset too because I know the love Shane had for Chloe. Addi. Ashtyn... and I understand it now that I have Noah. I DO NOT want some other woman raising my son. I want to live a long life and be with him.. but I now live with this fear that I will leave just like Shane.

I know for a fact that I have not dealt with my brothers death. Rushing to the states because he had passed away, helping my mom settle things we had to settle, my sister getting married, Christmas, baby showers, then it was time to come home. There was a lot of technical things going on when I went home for his funeral. Then I come back to JApan- where Shane isnt even normally at. .... so this is normal for me. We have tickets home July-August. I know it is going to be SO hard for me then.. to not see him, to go to his graveside, to just realize.

I am so thankful that Noah is a boy. I was really like 'uh oh' at frist becuse I had no clue what I was going to do with a boy-- but God knows and I am so thankful for my son. When we went to our 23 week ultrasound they would not tell us what he is. At that time they would not tell you in Japan on base, but we had a 4D scheduled when we were going to Texas for Britt's wedding.. but Nate SWORE it was a boy.. so made me tell everyone. SO.. I did. The week before my brother died I called him several times to tell him.. but he had been asleep because he was on medication because he had hurt his back. I finally just left him a message telling him he was going to be an Uncle to a little boy-- and I went to work. At work that day I had a voicemail from him congratulating me on the little boy and telling me he was excited Ashtyn would have a boy cousin! :) I talked to him the next day.. within the next few days is when he had his wreck... I just prayed and prayed that Nate was right and that Noah WAS a little boy.. I didn't know if I could handle it if he wasnt a boy since I had told my brother he was!!!

Thank you God for my son. For my husband. For my family. And for my amazing friends in Misawa. Thank you for giving me the best gift of all... mommyhood!

03.28.2010

The Day I Became A Mommy...

On Saturday the 27th, I spent all day out and about with the husband and friends. Nate had a bowling function that evening so I was going with him. Before we left the house, around 515, I felt a small 'gush' of water. It was something I had never felt before.. I Was like, "oh, wow..." Nate and I headed on to the bowling alley and I felt once again that small 'gush' of water. At this time we decided to head to Labor and Delivery since I was 40 weeks, 4 days pregnant. So.. this began our long journey of bringing our sweet baby boy into this world. It was determined that the small gushes were nothing to be too concerned about, but my blood pressure was. During the last 4 weeks of pregnancy, my blood pressure was up a bit. The doctor chose to keep me and go ahead and induce the next morning since they were already going to induce on Wednesday anyways. :)

Our friends, the Wade's headed to get our stuff from our house and to get Dezi. They got to the hospital around 10pmish and hung out until about midnight. The hospital was so great at letting me have my friends there--- there was never an issue. Around 11pm, the doctor came in and checked me and found that I was 1 centimeter dialated and 50% effaced and Noah was still at station 3. We had a long ways to go. The doctor then put a bulb inside me that would help me dilate to a 4-5 and then fall out. At 1am, the bulb fell out. I was shocked and scared because we did not expect the bulb to fall out a mere 2 hours later. But then I was excited too. It did not take too long for the bulb to fall out, so this must mean that I was going to dialate pretty easily. We were sure that I was at least a 4 at this point. Nate had to sleep in a chair because we were actually in a Labor and Delivery Room. He did get some sleep, although I am sure quite uncomfy. I did not get much sleep. I was just thinking and thinking. A part of me was scared out of my mind, the other part was quite excited. I remember looking at the clock at 3am again and telling myself that I had to go to sleep. Shift change in the hospital was at 6am and I knew that the new nurse would be starting my induction. Once I was admitted I was not allowed to have any food or shower. I was really bummed about that. Also, let me add.. they had to draw blood from me.. and it took them 6, yes I said 6 pokes to get somewhere to draw blood. They also then had to put an IV in when they admitted me and it took another 4 sticks plus 2 gals from the ER to come and do it!! I was reallllly getting sick of that! :)

At the shift change I had an awesome new nurse come in that encouraged me to shower and to eat something before they began the pitocin and induction. Nothing sounded good to eat so Nate got me some cheese its, and I ate some trail mix and beef jerky. Not a lot though- I guess I was too anxious. The shower felt wonderful .. yet I could not help but think in the shower how this was the LAST time I would shower not being a mommy. Once I got out of the shower and got comfy in bed, the nurse came in with the pitocin. I was scared out of my mind. I wanted to avoid that at all costs because I truly wanted a NATURAL laboring process. I was determined to do this with no meds. However, I didn't really have much of a choice at this point- 4 days overdue.

They were going to turn the pitocin up two notches every 30 minutes to an hour. So, they started me at a 2. Around 10am Ryan and Abbey Wade showed up instead of going to church. They brought breakfast for Nathan and hung out with us. Shortly after, around 11am, Kim DeMoss showed up. Abbey and Kim were going to help me through the laboring process. Nate and Ryan sat in the corner of the room for the longest time playing cards. The three of us girls just hung out and had a good ol’ time. The nurse kept coming in and asking me what my pain was on a scale of 1-10. It was a very annoying question for me because how would I know what my pain level is if I have never been through this? Around noon I was at about an 8 on the Pitocin and Nate and Ryan decided to leave and go for a run. Kim had went to eat lunch with her husband, so they waited for her to get back because Abbey was going to head out and go get some lunch and freshen up at home. They all headed out about 1pm and the nurse put me up to a 10 on the Pitocin.. Kim was there laboring with me as the contractions began to get harder at times. We were watching them on the screen and she was helping me through each contraction. Again, the nurse wanted to know my pain level. By the time my level had gotten to about a 14 I then realized that they were going to keep pushing it up higher and higher as I kept telling them that it was only a 3 on a scale to 1-10.. lol. It took me that long to realize it. Eventually, not sure what time, everyone was back with me. At this point my contractions where terribly bad and I had all three of them laboring with me. Nate, Kim, and Abbey took turns rubbing my lower back as I labored. Ryan sat in a chair doing crosswords acting oblivous to the whole ordeal! :) My DR came in around 4pm, is my guess, and decided to break my water. This was not painful, but I was very glad to have my hubby holding my hand. It was the strangest feeling to me to continue to feel gushing water randomly.. lol... HOWEVER--within the next hour... I felt pain! I remember one of the girls telling me to just let go.. and go with it. I told them that I could not let myself go because once I did- there was no coming back.

I tend to be pretty tough.... but at some point the tears started coming. I was in a lot of pain. I stayed pretty calm and cracked jokes most of the laboring process. But I remember that between 7-8pm I was in such pain that I told Nate that I didnt know if I could do this without the FEARED epidural that I did not want. He then encouraged me to talk with the nurse about my other pain relief options. So it was at that time we decided to go ahead and get a different pain medication called Stadol, or something.. It is a narcotic that was going to make me pass out... but the contractions woudl continue. The DR talked with me about it too. The nurse then realized that my contractions were going toooc razy so she knocked my pitocin level in half. At this point they had taken me to a 22, so she knocked it back to an 11. By the way, once I got to an 18 on the pitocin, I began telling them that the pain level was MUCH higher.. but I am sure that they knew it by my crying! :)

So.. the meds they put into my IV around 8pm.. my poor friends and husband. That is all I can say! :) For the first hour of it, apparantly, I went crazy. The nurse enjoyed me too. I said crazy things, laughed uncontrollably.. etc. I guess I even talked to my mom briefly on the phone during that first hour. The second hour, I slept. It only really lasted about 2 hours when I woke up. It was about 10pm that the DR came in to check me again.. only to find that I was still only a 4, 75% effaced, and Noah was still at Station 3. She then talked with us about C-Section. This was my biggest fear... that I did not think would happen to me. She gave us the option to labor for another six hours before she MADE me do the C-SEction, but in her honest opinion, she did not think that I was going to change. I asked Nate what he thought, becuase I did not want to keep laboring, but I did not want a C-Section. If I had not had my strong hubby there with me, I would have chosen to keep laboring. But Nate clearly said that if the DR truly believed that nothing was going to change that we may as well go ahead and get Noah out vs. contining like this only to end up in the same spot. Makes sense, right? So... it began. I slowly began signing my life away, listening to nurses and drs talk to me.... all while my hubby dressed up for the OR and my best friends began moving all of my stuff from my room to the postpartum room.. and all the while, i booo hoooed. I did not want this.

Operating Room- I became someone I never knew was inside of me. I was okay as they put the spinal tap in. I just hung on to the sweet girl in front of me.. and asked a lot of questions. Mind you, I was still a bit drugged up. I do not think it had clearly hit me yet that I was about to meet him. I never researched C-Sections because I never thought I would have to go through it. Then I was layed bakc and that curtain that we all see on movies- yea, it was put up.. and I lost it. I was cryuing uncontrollably. I had the shakes... it was bad. The sweet nurses. One was at my ear just reassuring me.. over and over. Then Nate came in. My poor husband. I just could not stop crying. I was freezing cold, could barely talk, and just kept telling him over and over that I did notw ant to do this- I did not want any part of this.. and I just wanted to go home. I promised him right then that I would not do this again! (I will).... Needless to say, it was very hard. Nate was so good listening to me, reassuring me, comforting me. I do not know what I put my poor husband through, but I honeslty could not help it. I am telling you- I bawled uncontrollably the WHOLE time and said things that I never would think would come out of my mouth! I kept hearing a nurse behind my head say .. it is almost time, they are almost bringing the baby out. then someone told us that it was time and asked Nathan if he wanted to watch them lift the baby! :) So.. as he continued to hold my hand, he stood up and looked.. and then I heard "It's a boy!" (THANK GOD!).. I remember them bringing him to the other side of the curtain and showing him to me.. to which I started crying even more.. He was.. beautiful. Nate went to help clean him off and then went to the nursery with him as they stitched me up. I am not sure how much longer I was in there.. I just remember that I still had the shakes, was freezing cold, and could not stop crying- OH I TRIED! I kept apologizing for acting this way and they would laugh and tell me I was perfectly normal.. LIARS!!! Way to make me feel good.. but I did keep asking over and over.. "am I going to die..." Needless to say, when I see a nurse from the OR out and about- I am a bit embarrassed.. Lol... Then they swtiched me over to another bed and began taking me out the hall.

Oh.. my sweet baby boy was born on March 28, 2010 at 11:16pm weighing in at 8lb, 5oz and 19 inches long. PERFECT has his name by it in the dictionary.

Can I just tell you what amazing friends I have? They were all by the nurses station when I rolled by.. I remember that I said somethin to them about him being soo pretty. Lol. I am not sure when they were allowed in my room.. but I did have nurses in there for a long time. I remember as I was coming back to reality I just kept thinking that they needed to get me my baby that I had not held yet. I was ready to hold him and feed him! :) Finally- my friends were there.. or maybe they were in there the whole time, I do not remember. But then I remember someone saying that here comes Daddy. It was over an hour afte rmy baby had been born when hew as rolled by his proud daddy into the room in his bassinet. My sweet husband then handed him over to me. I was amazed. I know I then let all of my friends hold him so they could go home after their long day-- and so I could feed him. After they left, everything else of that night is a blur. Nate says we did not sleep. I do not remember. I knwo I love breastfeeding my boy.

My friends had made sure to call my mom and sister and keep them posted. They were able to catch my mom on her cell phone right as she was about to turn it off on the plane in Dallas to fly here. So, she knew on here flight over that he was here and we were both okay. She arrived less than 24 hours after Noah had arrived.. and my friends picked her up. She stayed 2 weeks.. and it went by way to fast. She was so helpful and I am so thankful that she was able to spend the first 2 weeks of Noahs life with him. He already loves his Gammy sooo much.

The nurses and doctors at Misawa Hospital were A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. Thank you to everyone. Words can not express. We delivered late Sunday night and we were released with our sweet boy by lunch on Wednesday.

Nate's mom is here now and will be here until the 29th. The help has been great.

Our son is getting bigger.. already 20.5 inches long and almost 10lbs. He will be 4 weeks old on Sunday. Time flies. I am out of work until June 1, when I will go back and finish the year with my kiddos at school. i have loved every single moment of Noahs life and I love being his mommy. I pray that the Lord will give me, Nate, and Noah a long life to live together.

I will blog more often, I jsut wanted to get my birth story down first. Plkently of pictures of Noah boy are on facebook if you havent seen! :)

I love both of my boys.

*

If we make it through this next week pregnant, this will be our last full week alone-- with no children. It seems so crazy that this change is about to happen to.. US! It has always been us.. for the past 10 years. (10 together*, 7 married) It is a very exciting time though. Wednesday we will be 40 weeks. Do I want to make it pregnant a whole week more? Heck no. I was really thinking about taking this week off of work just because-- I am tired. My body is tired. But it seems pointless. I teach great kids that are not that dependent on me, so it isn't that much work. It would just give me an excuse to lay around-- and not get paid. So, why should I do that? Not only that- I do not find it fair to my kids or my school. So- I am okay with going to work. This has taken all weekend to get here- but I am okay working one more week. REGARDLESS if Noah is here by next Monday or not, Friday IS my last day. Why? My mom will be here next Monday.

You heard that right-My mom is coming back to Japan. This time.. alone! I am so excited to see her. I really do hope that Noah makes his appearance early this week so we can take him to the airport to see moma. But if not, I have it all handled. I have a couple of wonderful friends that will ensure my moma gets to and from the hospital and has somewhere to stay. She won't be staying alone if I am in this hospital.. :) She will be with the Wadini's and I think she would be okay with that. Dezi can even cuddle with her since they will have my Dezi poo too!

I worry- what kind of parents will we be? I guess we are about to find out. I can not wait to hold Noah for the first time- and strangely enough- in the same amount of everything I have in me-- I can not wait to see Daddy with his son for the first time. Nate is going to be such a wonderful dad and I can not wait to watch Noah grow up with him... and I can not wait to be that mommy that I need to be! This is all so new, yet all so exciting!! :)

Well, our friends are here for dinner- so.. I gotta get off for now. I hope that nexst time I post it is to tell you that Noah is here! :)

so.over.it

once again i am so glad it has taken me to 39 weeks to feel this way. but i am sooo over being pregnant. i am very ready to have my little boy in my arms. everyone keeps telling me to enjoy it, enjoy it.. but really- i am at that point.. what is there to enjoy? i cant sleep, i have heartburn galore, im fat, im swollen... the list could go on and on. oh and i am not complaining, trust me. i am so thankful it has taken me this long to feel this way. but no longer do i enjoy getting dressed. i use to love getting in my maternity clothes, seeing my belly in my shirts- but now- most of my shirts ride up my belly. im exhausted. all i want is to have him already! :) doesnt everyone get like this at some point?? i think he is just hardheaded like his daddy! but ill be patient.. bc the last thing i want is.. to be induced. i do not want that at all... so yea, this is me... venting.