It could be because:
-I miss Nathan
-I am tiring of being alone already
-I secretly wish I could spend the next five months at home
-Drama in my heart
-Hurt feelings
-A childhood friend getting killed in a car wreck a few nights ago
-Addi asking when her daddy is going to wake up
-Me thinking about my last day with Shane
But I am in tears. I want to go home, but I can't. I am going home in a couple of weeks.. but I want to now. I keep thinking of my last day with Shane.. then I remembered a couple of words we shared for a minute and I lost it.
Shane said: 3 years is a long time, Cass
I said: Yea, but they will go by SO fast
I can't get that small conversation out of my head. Those are the only words I remember.. BUT had I known, I would have fought tooth and nail for us to stay in America. Had I known, I would have been the one to come to America after my being gone a year, instead of mom and Britt coming to me. Had I known- I would have hugged him a little longer.
I'm not good with emotions.. so with all of us crying.. I am sure I was rushing the hugs. I remember when we first got to the airport.. My luggage was too heavy.. and I was just trying as we tried to adjust it. I remember Shane and Greg dealing with it mostly. I remember Shane getting in my face and telling me to calm down.
I remember:
his smile
his laugh
his sense of humor
his voice
his HANDS
I remember all of the good and bad.. Gosh, I need my brother back. This isn't fair.. life isn't fair. Here we are inching our way to the year mark. Tuesday is a year since I last talked to him...
I don't ever want to forget. EVER.
Friday, 26 November 2010
Thanksgiving
"I will enter His gates with Thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise... I will rejoice for He has made me glad."
I try to live my life with Thanksgiving in my heart! I like to think I am a pretty thankful person! We just celebrated Thanksgiving without Daddy here with us .. and without Shane at all. Times are hard, but we carry on and remember what we are thankful for.
Thank you GOD!!! For my husband, my son, my family, my health, my friends, my job, my dog, my home, my experiences, my convictions, my salvation, forgiveness, my heart, etc. Thank you
I try to live my life with Thanksgiving in my heart! I like to think I am a pretty thankful person! We just celebrated Thanksgiving without Daddy here with us .. and without Shane at all. Times are hard, but we carry on and remember what we are thankful for.
Thank you GOD!!! For my husband, my son, my family, my health, my friends, my job, my dog, my home, my experiences, my convictions, my salvation, forgiveness, my heart, etc. Thank you
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Halloween
I can't believe it has been over a month since I have written.
Noah- He is now seven months.. and going everywhere. He has taken a step several times. I feel like he will be walking sooner rather than later. He is into everything and saying MAMA all the time. He says PAPA every now and again.. I am trying to get him to say DADA! We shall see what he ends up doing. Him and Dezi have become awesome friends. Dezi enjoys him now and will bring her toys to him. Noah just laughs and laughs when she does this.. he doesnt understand throwing it yet, so we help him. Noah is very into MUSIC. His daddy has made him this way. It is adorable. He is just the light of our life. He makes one cute pumpkin too for Halloween. He eats pretty much what we eat and is still solely breastfed. I am very proud of this. When I had him my goal was six months.. to feed him for at least six months. That would mean I would only have to feed him for about a month after going back to work. But I had a nurse that talked to me about it when I was in the hospital and she talked about how important it was.. and her goal was to do it for one year. SO she did.. and she was a flight nurse.. so she was on flights a lot. So, I have continued. He feeds in the mornings and nights from me.. and I pump once, sometimes twice a day at school. It is working out great.
Nate: He is getting ready to leave us. As matter of fact, his expected departure date is less than a month away. When I hear him talking about the out processing he has done, it makes my stomach turn. This is going to be so hard.. when we skype. Watching Noah NOT be able to get to his daddy. Watchign Nate NOT being able to hold him and play with him. I am not sure I am ready for this- but really, what choice do I have. A couple pluses... my best friends (Kim and Abbey).. both of their husbands are gone at that time too. ... I will get to go home for two weeks at Christmas... and we PCS very shortly after Nate returns. We should find out pretty soon where we will be going. We have our fingers crossed for Dyess AFB in Abilene.. that would be AWESOMe. Right there with my sister AND only 5 hours from home!! Nate will be missing Christmas and Noah's 1st birthday.. So, we are celebrating Christmas in November and Noahs bday when he gets back. I guess.. ready or not.. its gonna happen.
Work: Is going great. I have an awesome bunch of kiddos. I just love them. They makes leaving Noah not as bad. It is a good thing I love them so much and my job... But my prayer is that Nate's heart will soften as we move back to America and he will consider letting me be a SAHM. I am looking into other options so I do not have to go back into the classroom as soon as we get home. But my biggest hurdle to get over with that is my husband.. But my heart is with Noah and that is where I WANT to be and where I FEEL I should be. So, I guess we shall see.
October: Has gone by so fast. This month at home.. is a harder month. Yamboree, Treats on the Square, Halloween. Last year- Shane was there. This year.. he isnt. My mom is awesome. She has been so awesome with those kids the past 11 months. I can not believe we are about to hit the year mark on December 3rd. I am NOT ready for that. Time has gone fast and it angers me. Why has life gone on without my big brother? But I am so thankful that God gave me Noah.. he has been my saving grace this year. He has brought joy to me that I have never known int he hardest month of my life. There are days that I just break down.. and it is hard to recover sometimes. I hate when I do that on my way to work... it is hard. But I do not think that there has been a single day that has gone by that I have not thought about my brother. I dont understand it.. probably never will. But I have to believe he is loving every bit of heaven as he watches over his kiddos. I just ache for them.. for all of us. Selfishly, I ache because my son will never know his Uncle Shane. I am just soooo glad Shane knew I was having a boy before all that happened. Oh, December 3rd-- please slow down from getting here......
Noah- He is now seven months.. and going everywhere. He has taken a step several times. I feel like he will be walking sooner rather than later. He is into everything and saying MAMA all the time. He says PAPA every now and again.. I am trying to get him to say DADA! We shall see what he ends up doing. Him and Dezi have become awesome friends. Dezi enjoys him now and will bring her toys to him. Noah just laughs and laughs when she does this.. he doesnt understand throwing it yet, so we help him. Noah is very into MUSIC. His daddy has made him this way. It is adorable. He is just the light of our life. He makes one cute pumpkin too for Halloween. He eats pretty much what we eat and is still solely breastfed. I am very proud of this. When I had him my goal was six months.. to feed him for at least six months. That would mean I would only have to feed him for about a month after going back to work. But I had a nurse that talked to me about it when I was in the hospital and she talked about how important it was.. and her goal was to do it for one year. SO she did.. and she was a flight nurse.. so she was on flights a lot. So, I have continued. He feeds in the mornings and nights from me.. and I pump once, sometimes twice a day at school. It is working out great.
Nate: He is getting ready to leave us. As matter of fact, his expected departure date is less than a month away. When I hear him talking about the out processing he has done, it makes my stomach turn. This is going to be so hard.. when we skype. Watching Noah NOT be able to get to his daddy. Watchign Nate NOT being able to hold him and play with him. I am not sure I am ready for this- but really, what choice do I have. A couple pluses... my best friends (Kim and Abbey).. both of their husbands are gone at that time too. ... I will get to go home for two weeks at Christmas... and we PCS very shortly after Nate returns. We should find out pretty soon where we will be going. We have our fingers crossed for Dyess AFB in Abilene.. that would be AWESOMe. Right there with my sister AND only 5 hours from home!! Nate will be missing Christmas and Noah's 1st birthday.. So, we are celebrating Christmas in November and Noahs bday when he gets back. I guess.. ready or not.. its gonna happen.
Work: Is going great. I have an awesome bunch of kiddos. I just love them. They makes leaving Noah not as bad. It is a good thing I love them so much and my job... But my prayer is that Nate's heart will soften as we move back to America and he will consider letting me be a SAHM. I am looking into other options so I do not have to go back into the classroom as soon as we get home. But my biggest hurdle to get over with that is my husband.. But my heart is with Noah and that is where I WANT to be and where I FEEL I should be. So, I guess we shall see.
October: Has gone by so fast. This month at home.. is a harder month. Yamboree, Treats on the Square, Halloween. Last year- Shane was there. This year.. he isnt. My mom is awesome. She has been so awesome with those kids the past 11 months. I can not believe we are about to hit the year mark on December 3rd. I am NOT ready for that. Time has gone fast and it angers me. Why has life gone on without my big brother? But I am so thankful that God gave me Noah.. he has been my saving grace this year. He has brought joy to me that I have never known int he hardest month of my life. There are days that I just break down.. and it is hard to recover sometimes. I hate when I do that on my way to work... it is hard. But I do not think that there has been a single day that has gone by that I have not thought about my brother. I dont understand it.. probably never will. But I have to believe he is loving every bit of heaven as he watches over his kiddos. I just ache for them.. for all of us. Selfishly, I ache because my son will never know his Uncle Shane. I am just soooo glad Shane knew I was having a boy before all that happened. Oh, December 3rd-- please slow down from getting here......
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Sara Sullivan
She battled cancer last year. She lived in Misawa and then had to leave to go fight breast cancer. She found out she was pregnant around the same time she had Cancer. A couple of weeks after having her beautiful daughter Chloe, she passed away. The year mark just passed. I have thought about this family a lot! I just watched his video and it can not help bring you to tears. I know the love that I have for my baby.. and it scares me I wont be here with him through his life. Then I think of Sara, like Shane, both robbed of watching their babies grow... I HATE it! My heart breaks for these families... If you have about seven minutes, take some time to watch this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDGX11VmCsU&feature=player_embedded#!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDGX11VmCsU&feature=player_embedded#!
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