Today...

I miss my friends. I am having some girlfriends over from church and I am SOOO excited.. but I woke up this morning really missing my GREAT friends in Japan! I miss having someone to call and chat with over stupid stuff. I miss having someone just show up at my house.. just because. I miss that instant bond... I miss not having to try and make people feel comfortable or at home at my place.. but rather them go and do what they want as they please.. including getting food or drink. I miss....

But I guess it isn't right to dwell in what I miss.. but to pick up and keep going. Because I could tell you a million and twelve things that i miss. But I am also SOO very grateful for my life here! I love it here. I love our home. I love our church. I love our friends. I loooove being home each and everyday with my monkey.. even when he is fit throwing like today!!

I need to learn to count my blessings more regulary. Matter of fact, I think I am going to create a list of all the things I am blessed with.. so when I have down days like today.. I can read over them and smile.

God is so good and faithful to me and my family.

Is there a correlation between the two?

I love owning our own home. Well technically the bank owns it.. but I love the feeling of this being my home. I wish we could uproot this home and take it with us when we eventually end up in Texas ... wishful thinking on both parts. Owning our dream home has helped me keep our home cleaner... perhaps it has something to do with my being home all day as well. In the past two weeks I have felt like the house is dirty no matter what. I love the feeling of a clean house and I tend to do pretty well although I have kids in my house all day!

So.. my mind is thinking today. I haven't felt order in my house for about a week. My kitchen needed a deep cleaning that I was lacking motivation to do! EEEk! :) I did it today. I feel great. The boys went down for a super long nap, still down... and I got my kitchen in order. From the counter tops to the microwave, stove, and fridge. All I have left to do is mop and clean my cabinets! I feel in order! All bills are paid... I have (most) bills set up on auto pay. This may not seem like a big deal to most.. but going with no bills for the past three years to the bills we have with owning a home- I keep forgetting some bill.. and I certainly do not like paying a bill late. My home and financial area is finally in order. I took the time to do it.

My spiritual life. Do you feel like when your not in order with things in your life that your spiritual well being is not in order! MAN, I DO! But as easy as I can keep the clutter from my home I need to learn to do that in my spiritual life as well.There are so many things that clutter my spiritual life.. but the Lord has shown me lately how to work on this.. and I am!

So my question is.. is there a correlation between having disarray in your your home and spiritual life and having order in both? Do you find yourself crazy spiritually when your personal life is crazy!? I do!

I am learning to take it slowly .. all of it. Enjoy the wonders of my life and the wonders of my Creator.

Ah, life! I love my life.

How does one get mad?

This is what I found first thing this morning as I came from the bathroom! Only after I had it cleaned up I realized i did not get on to him for it! :) Instead I said 'oh my goodness' when I saw it. Then of course I got the camera and then he helped me clean up.

These small messes remind me how thankful I am to be a mommy. When I didn't think I would get pregnant, at least without intervention, God gave me this blessing!

Thank you Lord for allowing me the privilege of raising your lamb on this earth. Please guide us as we raise him to be the best he can be and Lord please let my family all live a long, healthy, life together :)

I love this boy.

Conviction?

Read this blog: http://brittanybillingsley.blogspot.com/2011/10/sometimes-i-dont-like-conviction.html?spref=fb

That is my little sister... her blog made me think. I wish I had the guard on my mouth that she does... and I have been working on it. I wish I followed the convictions that I have... but sometimes I speak without thinking.

You see, I know what that sweet girl is talking about... and she vents to me. When I hear my sister so upset about things- it takes EVEN MORE of me NOT to speak my mind. But you know what she tells me today? Don't say anything, just talk to me. How did she get so smart?? Even when she is so upset ... she wants to keep the peace. Bless her. But then as I read or listen to the things she is saying to me- I just wish for once she WOULD disobey the convictions and tell it like it is. But she isn't... she is super Godly like that. :) I admire her. I look up to her. She is so amazing. I want to be like her when I grow up. I have said that so many times.

We, as people, often times don't think about how the things we say are going to affect others. MEEEE! I am really bad about that. I want to say how I feel, when I feel it, and to who I think needs to hear it. What about when the shoe is on the other foot? I want so badly to yell that the things that are being said are hurting me, us. .... But I haven't.

I suppose I am getting better at this.. perhaps I am starting to learn to obey the convictions that the Lord puts in my life....

I know God can heal.... but do you ever just tire of something sometimes? Just want to be done with it? I get that way- actually I think I am there right now. I need the Lords restoration so I can be content again!! Or maybe I don't need to be content.. maybe I need to be in earnest prayer about the situation, which I can admit, i am not..

Times like this, we both decided, it would be awesome to be able to go to our big brother with it. Somehow, Shane, new how to fix all problems. Don't know how.. but whenever I told him anything I was upset about- he handled it. From punching someone in the face for calling me a bad name to painting a vehicle for someone for free so they would give me the money they had promised me... HE was and is amazing. We miss him. Sometimes it is hard.... because sometimes it feels like people forget that he IS our brother... but we know.... in the end, I guess that is all that matters.

I am so thankful for my family. I am thankful for the bonds we have with eachother. It sucks we went from four to three.. but Shane is ALWAYS here... I see him in my Noah.. there is so much of him in all three of his kids... memories. We have to keep the memory alive.. and my family does that.

Hey moma and britt- I love you guys.

Again, my sister is amazing. Anyone that knows her is blessed.

For Angie..

I found my Wyoming Journal while unpacking the stuff that has been in storage. In the back I found a page where I wrote MEMORIES! Do any of these jog memories for you??

Orientation: Applebee's: nose bleed, cow, pink
Mountain Climbing: Josh
"Remember Me" -- I still can't hear that song without remembering

VBS: Poster in the hall
Aaron and my room
Flyers and Aaron chunking them ???


Milking cows :) Good times, my friend!
Rolling down the hill :) Aww.. Let's do it again one day
Carnival- Shaide
Tubing- burnt
Hot tub with Aaron (OMG?)
Aaron "sick"
Aaron at camp with the boys
Lock in.. little girls -- OMG! Remember how much fun this was!!
Steaks at Mary Turner's
Aaron and Yellowstone (must we remember)
BYBC :)
Prayer times :) Such special times.. although I was always scared at that church
Samantha's salvation
Cards, dominos
Family dinners
Coolaid and Banana Pudding ????
Carrying Josh- 220lbs
Being "Mom" and doing REC Camp
Deanna- 15 yr, ikdm 7mth pregnant (Did she come to camp pregnant??)
Kids never heard of God -- I remember how shocking this was for me
Gwen and Milton and their mom
Shaide and Shadow-- beautiful children
Tree's Rose :):):)
Way home from youth camp- Aaron and Al's TRUCK! OOOOMMMMGGGGosh!
Jeff- Running Away

Ministries:
Super Saturdays
Terrific Tuesdays
TeamKid
VBS
BYBC
CentriKid
Youth Encounter

Favorite Quote:
"I enjoyed my summer in Wyoming, but when I get home... I'M GETTING MY TUBES TIED"

All of this is what was written.. many jog memories.. Others are like.. What?!??

I also found the poem you wrote me.. in the frame still. I have not read this journal yet.. except for that page and this:

August 3, 2002 (Really.. Really... almost 10 years)
4am- What a sad day! As I sat here watching Angie get ready to leave in 30 minutes it breaks my heart. I don't know when I'll ever see her again. Thank you god for her friendship this summer! She has been such a blessing to me. Please lead her and guide her in life. Revive her this week at Glorietta! Thank you, Father!!! 445am- Lord seeing her off was one of the hardest things I had to do. As she got in the car.. crying, I just let her know I loved her and then I came on up to the room and now I am bawling. God, be with us. More so with her. Wrap your arms around her and comfort her. Thank you, Jesus! 730am-The phone rang! Constance and Shane! And what do I do? I had been sleeping for a bit and the phone woke me up and I START BAWLING! I miss Ang! Give me safe travel today, Lord! 1130am-Such a good feeling, sitting here in Casper airport.. knowing that in just a few hours I will see my family. Thank you Lord for taking any anxiety away from me. Mom and Britt called this morning too. It is going to be so exciting to see my family. I miss Ang though. Thank you Lord for my summer. Thank you SO much for bringing me here! I have learned so much. And I prise you for that. I love you Lord. 230pm-In Colorado. I have about an hour here.. then about 2 hours and I will see everyone. I felt so sick on the flight over. But I dozed. It was so sad leaving Wyoming because I don't know ewhen or if I will ever be back. Be with Ang Lord. Help her not to be sad. Bring us back together soon. I miss her. Thank you for the safety to Colorado. Now I just ask for safety back to Texas... Thank you Lord for my amazing summer. I love you, Cass

OHOH! I found this last one stuck in the back:

8.3
Well I am back in the air headed to Dallas. It is so hard for me to believe my summer is over. It just does not seem like I'll never walk through Tree's door and yell 'hey hefer.' Or go into the Bascue's and just hang out--- dinner! I do wonder what it is going to be like tomorrow when I walk into Sand Hill again after 2 and a half months. I sure am missing Angie. She was so good to me! This morning when I hugged her bye she started crying and I told her 'don't cry hefer.' But we knew she would. I held in well all night and morning. But as soon as I turned from her and walked back into Parkway Plaza- I couldn't help but cry. Lord, I miss her. Please be with her. She has been such a great frriend to me! I love that girl! Please watch over her! I can't wait to see mom, britt, shane, and chloe!
Love,
Cass

*Angie's favorite verse: 1 Cor. 10:13*

:Love:

Tonight as I was cleaning and going through some things I need to put away; things that came from our storage for the past three and a half years... I was able to reminisce in the love in my life....

First was of my husband and me. I found scrapbooks I had put together during our first year and when he left for the military! How I love this man... and yet, how much we have grown. I can even tell in my writing.. the letters to him. They sound so YOUNG. They sound like many of my younger friends, newly married, new to the military friends! How cute we were. I have boxes, literally boxES of letters between Nate and I... well mostly from me to him... from High School, College, all the way to Basic Training... Good times. I sure love that boy. Many memories.

Then there is my Poetry Notebook. :) This spiral notebook is STILL with me, yes Amanda I am serious, since like 7-8th grade. Isn't that crazy. I had Nate put it up in the shelf while we were organizing and he was like.. uh, we can throw this away.. I was like.. UH NOPE! It reminds me of who I use to be... and how I use to express my feelings in writing vs. holding them in. The most important thing to me in them though are the poems about my brother. Pictures I have of him in it.... I will never see him again.. why on earth would I throw it away!!!

My choir and drama shirts.... I was involved in Choir and Drama, a traveling team, in my church youth group for many years.. in two different churches actually. Seeing these shirts brought back a wave of memories... the good times, the bad times... The songs I would sing- my favorite ones.. the skits that were my favorite.. and all of the friends that I had.... Especially thinking of those that I have completely lost touch with... but even more excited to realize that I do keep in touch with several of them. One of the best memories of my teenage years was our Traveling Choir and Drama team.

College! Tons and Tons and TONS! of pictures. WOW! Once again Wow! Reminds me why I want to keep losing this weight.. I never want to look like that again!!! But I made some of the best friends ever in college at East Texas Baptist University! I keep in touch with most of them via facebook- so that made me pretty happy. There was one that I kept in touch with pretty well even after we got married... pretty good until we moved to our first base, Leslie... and then we became like most others- facebook friends.

Wedding Album... the main reason this is near and dear to me is because it has pictures of Shane, my brother, in it. I don't care for my wedding pictures.. BUT having him in those pictures........... means I will FOREVER keep them! I can't tell you how many pictures I have found of him. i wish I had the time to scan them all... maybe when britt comes we can! :) Many pictures of when Chloe was little.. many! Those were the years I was in college.. before I moved far off.

My first baby doll, my favorite unicorn stuffed animal, the nightgown my mom wore when she had me, two of my baby blankets, my baby book.... all of these things! :)

I love my life! I love those in my life.

(and of course, I am rambling)

Learning to Let Go!

Have you ever had to let go of something or someone that you don't want too? How about letting go of something or someone that you don't think that the Lord wants you to let go of? WHAT about... not letting go of something you know you should?

Letting go is hard. Whether it is mentally or physically letting go of something, it is so hard. I have found such peace lately when letting go of things that I don't necessarily WANT to let go of.. but finding solace in the Lord has helped me tremendously. I have had to hand over control ... not that I really ever had it, but I guess it made me feel good to think I had it! :)

Letting go of a dear friend might be one of the hardest things ever, in my opinion. But letting go when it is family just seems not right... Who knows what the right answer is? If I knew, I probably would not be in this situation.

Letting go of the constant demons that fill my head with negativity of myself might be a battle that I face daily... I have to remember to let go.

Letting go of the addiction that I have is a daily battle as well.