My heart hurts tonight. I just finished reading yet another story of another child going through something they should not have too. It seems I am always falling upon blogs, reading on facebook to pray, etc. stories of young children that are sick.. fighting for the lives- and some losing. It makes me SICK! I pray that God protects my Noah.. keeps him healthy. It is just such a scary world we live in... and anything can happen. My heart hurts for the mommys and daddys of these small children.. and it always seems the kids -- are SO strong!! It is truly amazing.
On a lighter note, I go back to work tomorrow.. kiddos come Monday. I have gotten a lot completed in my classroom thanks to Abbey and Kim! Without them, well, I would have been spending the night in my classroom. Pray for our cooler weather to come. It hasnt been this hot here since we have lived here.. so going all day in 90+ weather, with no AC.. isnt fun...
Blessings.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Thursday, 19 August 2010
School Year 2010-2011
Well the trip to Texas was amazing. An amazing month that we wish could have gone on and on. I enjoyed spending all of our time with family. I really enjoyed watching everyone with my Noah. Grandma loooved him. Moma loved him. He is a TawTaw's boy! :) Gammy and TawTaw spoiled him with a ton of new clothes!! :) Noah and I stayed about 11 days later than Nate.. and we went, along with Gammy to Abilene to visit Aunt Brittany and Uncle Meguell. It was a wonderful trip. Then we, Noah and I, ventured back to Japan.. alone! He did well. My baby is an AWESOME world traveler.
It was really sad being home without my brother. I visited his grave.. once with mom and Britt.. and then I went by myself. I didnt think that I could handle it, but I knew I had too. So I took my Noah and we went to 'visit' him. I just cried. I just let go and cried. It was SO hard. But.. I finally have a peace. I truly believe my brother is wrapped in the arms of Christ watching over all of us. I am still very confused why he was taken from this world, leaving his amazing three children here. But I am so thankful that I am still able to be a part of their lives... even from thousands of miles away. I did go to Shane's house.. ONCE. It was around 10pm, so it was dark, and I stayed on the side of the house. I know it is hard for the family/friends that live out there to understand WHY I didnt come out there. BUT! That house is more than my brothers house to us. That is the house that WE grew up in WITH HIM. That house has so many memories. THAT is the house that Shane was going to grow old in with his children. So, I made the choice to go out there late to see Brian.. but I was there for only a few minutes and NEVER, EVER went inside. I have no desire to be out there on that property. I drove past the wreck site several times. I was blessed to see that the cross was still on the tree and the fake flowers were still in the ground on the other side of the road. I figured the cross was there.. because Craig and Brian had screwed it to the tree.. but I was really hoping those flowers were on the other side. Those flowers are there because the little girl that lives in the house on that property put them there.. that is where my brother was lying.. and she wanted him to have something for Christmas. I was sooo amazed and happy that after almost 8 months... they were still there. I love my brother- he loves me. I really enjoyed sharing the good memories aloud with my family.
The kids are great. I miss those munchkins. I wish I could have spent more time with them. It was much harder this time for two reasons.. one.. I have my own child now. I had to take Noah between my house and NAte's house and it was hard to have other kids with me. and two.. Shane wasnt there. Normally I will get the kids and take them to Shane at night. Things just arent that simple anymore. But I truly believe God has a plan.. I do.
School starts on the 30th. I go back on the 25ht. My friends have been helping me get my class together. I am really excited. I have moved to third grade. I have only taught 5ht and 7th grade .. so this is a welcomed change!! I still have a lot to do.. but it is all slowly coming together. I will head home in December because Nate is due to deploy. So my two weeks off for Christmas- I am heading home. Another looong trip with just Noah and me!
Have I told you lately how much I love being a mommy? I really feel blessed that God allowed Noah to be placed into my care! I pray that I always have this healthy, happy baby boy!!
It was really sad being home without my brother. I visited his grave.. once with mom and Britt.. and then I went by myself. I didnt think that I could handle it, but I knew I had too. So I took my Noah and we went to 'visit' him. I just cried. I just let go and cried. It was SO hard. But.. I finally have a peace. I truly believe my brother is wrapped in the arms of Christ watching over all of us. I am still very confused why he was taken from this world, leaving his amazing three children here. But I am so thankful that I am still able to be a part of their lives... even from thousands of miles away. I did go to Shane's house.. ONCE. It was around 10pm, so it was dark, and I stayed on the side of the house. I know it is hard for the family/friends that live out there to understand WHY I didnt come out there. BUT! That house is more than my brothers house to us. That is the house that WE grew up in WITH HIM. That house has so many memories. THAT is the house that Shane was going to grow old in with his children. So, I made the choice to go out there late to see Brian.. but I was there for only a few minutes and NEVER, EVER went inside. I have no desire to be out there on that property. I drove past the wreck site several times. I was blessed to see that the cross was still on the tree and the fake flowers were still in the ground on the other side of the road. I figured the cross was there.. because Craig and Brian had screwed it to the tree.. but I was really hoping those flowers were on the other side. Those flowers are there because the little girl that lives in the house on that property put them there.. that is where my brother was lying.. and she wanted him to have something for Christmas. I was sooo amazed and happy that after almost 8 months... they were still there. I love my brother- he loves me. I really enjoyed sharing the good memories aloud with my family.
The kids are great. I miss those munchkins. I wish I could have spent more time with them. It was much harder this time for two reasons.. one.. I have my own child now. I had to take Noah between my house and NAte's house and it was hard to have other kids with me. and two.. Shane wasnt there. Normally I will get the kids and take them to Shane at night. Things just arent that simple anymore. But I truly believe God has a plan.. I do.
School starts on the 30th. I go back on the 25ht. My friends have been helping me get my class together. I am really excited. I have moved to third grade. I have only taught 5ht and 7th grade .. so this is a welcomed change!! I still have a lot to do.. but it is all slowly coming together. I will head home in December because Nate is due to deploy. So my two weeks off for Christmas- I am heading home. Another looong trip with just Noah and me!
Have I told you lately how much I love being a mommy? I really feel blessed that God allowed Noah to be placed into my care! I pray that I always have this healthy, happy baby boy!!
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Texas, here we come
As I write this my Noah is sitting up using his boppy pillow watching a Disney movie! He just finished eating his rice cereal and applesauce.. he LOVED it. Yesterday and today have been.... wierd. Noah has been quite clingy to me and whiney.. he isnt normally a whiney baby. Perhaps.. perhaps he understands when Mommy tells him that we are going to have to share eachother when we get to Texas! :) What do you think? I just love him. He is growing up so fast. He is now rolling both ways and began working with a sippy cup today. He is sooo sweet.
I am reading a book.. and I found a quote that has become my prayer for my trip home..
"Lord, give me the Strength to be Weak"I am not a weak person and I certainly do not show my weakness.. when I write in here.. I am writing things that I normally do not talk about- in regards to my brother. But I have to DEAL with his death this trip home, I HAVE to. So, truly- I need strength to be weak. That is quite sad that I have to pray that God will help me be weak. But I know I need to go to his graveside.. I know I need to go talk to him... I need to see his headstone. I need to do all of this. And.. I think I need to do it alone. Although that thought, totally- freaks me out!!!
I am very excited for this trip home. But I am very sad at the same time. I am sad that my brother will not be there to give me one of his hugs.. I am sad that he will not get to meet his precious nephew.. and I am sad that he will not be there to bug the crap out of me and give me a hard time. I am sad that I wont get to watch him father his children this trip-- and I am nervous to hear them talk about him. It has been almost 8 mths since I last spoke with him. ... and all I want is to call him.. or to get annoyed with his million calls.. but still laugh and love him through the annoyance! Gosh, I miss him.
I can not wait to see my grandma with Noah... I just CAN NOT wait. She is the first person that will get him when we land. She can not wait. We are very close.. and I know she loves him so much- I just can not wait to see her with him.. and for him to give her one of his amazing smiles.
Then my sis.. I can not wait for her to get there and meet him1! She is going to love him. She says it is sooo wierd still to know that Noah is MY child.. but she is the most AWESOME aunt EVER!! And Noah is going to loooove her.
My mom... I think Noah will remember her voice when he heras her. He skypes with her often.. and laughs and talks to her.. and he stares so intently... It is so sweet.
Please pray for safe travels.. as we leave in a few short hours!!!
Be blessed. And again I pray that the Lord will give me the strength to be weak.
I am reading a book.. and I found a quote that has become my prayer for my trip home..
"Lord, give me the Strength to be Weak"I am not a weak person and I certainly do not show my weakness.. when I write in here.. I am writing things that I normally do not talk about- in regards to my brother. But I have to DEAL with his death this trip home, I HAVE to. So, truly- I need strength to be weak. That is quite sad that I have to pray that God will help me be weak. But I know I need to go to his graveside.. I know I need to go talk to him... I need to see his headstone. I need to do all of this. And.. I think I need to do it alone. Although that thought, totally- freaks me out!!!
I am very excited for this trip home. But I am very sad at the same time. I am sad that my brother will not be there to give me one of his hugs.. I am sad that he will not get to meet his precious nephew.. and I am sad that he will not be there to bug the crap out of me and give me a hard time. I am sad that I wont get to watch him father his children this trip-- and I am nervous to hear them talk about him. It has been almost 8 mths since I last spoke with him. ... and all I want is to call him.. or to get annoyed with his million calls.. but still laugh and love him through the annoyance! Gosh, I miss him.
I can not wait to see my grandma with Noah... I just CAN NOT wait. She is the first person that will get him when we land. She can not wait. We are very close.. and I know she loves him so much- I just can not wait to see her with him.. and for him to give her one of his amazing smiles.
Then my sis.. I can not wait for her to get there and meet him1! She is going to love him. She says it is sooo wierd still to know that Noah is MY child.. but she is the most AWESOME aunt EVER!! And Noah is going to loooove her.
My mom... I think Noah will remember her voice when he heras her. He skypes with her often.. and laughs and talks to her.. and he stares so intently... It is so sweet.
Please pray for safe travels.. as we leave in a few short hours!!!
Be blessed. And again I pray that the Lord will give me the strength to be weak.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Fireworks and Toy Story
I would be okay if I never saw fireworks again. We watched them on the 5th of July here.. because it was so foggy on the 4th that they were postponed. Luckily Noah was sleepy, so I walked him around and then sat at a table in front of our group of friends... This was good for me because I was able to .. be me. Shane LOVED fireworks. Every year he would get them and fire them off for his kids.. Every Year. Those kids LOOOVE fireworks.. and love running around with sparklers.It has been many years since I have been home for the 4th.. but I have always seen pictures.. as I did this year. The only people missing from my family were me and Shane. Difference is, I am still able to go.. he isnt. So, all that to say- Forget Fireworks.
Kim and I were watching Toy Story 1 and 2 today, preparing ourselves to go see Toy Story 3. I was reminded during the first one how my brother watched that movie over and over and OVER!!! He looooved it. He had the cowboy and Buzz Light year. Matter of fact, Buzz is now at my moms house still in the box. He even had a huge Buzz on his wall.. So sad. Memories.. they make you smile and cry.
7 days until Texas. At least I made it past the 9 day mark, I guess.
Kim and I were watching Toy Story 1 and 2 today, preparing ourselves to go see Toy Story 3. I was reminded during the first one how my brother watched that movie over and over and OVER!!! He looooved it. He had the cowboy and Buzz Light year. Matter of fact, Buzz is now at my moms house still in the box. He even had a huge Buzz on his wall.. So sad. Memories.. they make you smile and cry.
7 days until Texas. At least I made it past the 9 day mark, I guess.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
July 4th
Once again I am spending July 4th away from East Texas while my WHOLE family is together. Lucky for me they have skype and skype with me. There are two differences this year: I have Noah to entertain me as I am alone AND my brother is not in East Texas enjoying the 4th and giving me a hard time via skype or the phone for not being there. It is so sad how life has to go on. I wish I could just rewind to the day 2+ years ago that I left.. and stay there.. but add Noah to the mix.
I go home in 11 days. I am beyond ready. I can not wait for everyone to meet Noah. I do hope that being with my family will make it so much easier to just deal with everything at home. Not having Shane .. sucks. I do not know how else to put it. No one can ever truly understand this kind of loss until you go through it. It is terrible.
Shane's best friend, Brian, found out his daddy died on the 27th. I hurt for B. His birthday is in June too.. and he had a hard time on Shane's bday because they use to party together... and Shane was no longer here. And then to top it off, he found out of his daddy's death ON Shane's birthday. I hurt for him and i can not wait to hug him and for Noah to meet his Uncle Brian. I know that B will never take the place of my brother- but I also know that he will try his darndest to be the uncle that Shane WOULD HAVE been to Noah. And for that-- I am SO thankful.
My boy makes me happy. I am sooo proud of him and everything he does. I love him so much and I love being a mommy. This transition to mommyhood has not been challenging for me and I am sooo thankful. There were times in the beginning that I questioned myself about things- but all in all, it has been AWESOME. I can not believe he is 3mths old.. where does the time go?
Have a Happy 4th everyone!
I go home in 11 days. I am beyond ready. I can not wait for everyone to meet Noah. I do hope that being with my family will make it so much easier to just deal with everything at home. Not having Shane .. sucks. I do not know how else to put it. No one can ever truly understand this kind of loss until you go through it. It is terrible.
Shane's best friend, Brian, found out his daddy died on the 27th. I hurt for B. His birthday is in June too.. and he had a hard time on Shane's bday because they use to party together... and Shane was no longer here. And then to top it off, he found out of his daddy's death ON Shane's birthday. I hurt for him and i can not wait to hug him and for Noah to meet his Uncle Brian. I know that B will never take the place of my brother- but I also know that he will try his darndest to be the uncle that Shane WOULD HAVE been to Noah. And for that-- I am SO thankful.
My boy makes me happy. I am sooo proud of him and everything he does. I love him so much and I love being a mommy. This transition to mommyhood has not been challenging for me and I am sooo thankful. There were times in the beginning that I questioned myself about things- but all in all, it has been AWESOME. I can not believe he is 3mths old.. where does the time go?
Have a Happy 4th everyone!
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
June 30, 2010
A day I wish could have just not happened this year. This would have been my big brother's 30th birthday. In previous years.. I would have already been talking to him for a couple of weeks about what he wanted for his birthday.. and most likely in the end, I would have just given him money! :) My brother was a funny guy... oh how I miss him. I mentioned in a previous post that this has been a very hard month. And it has. I think about him constantly. I see his face, her his voice, just all of the memories. 15 days from now, his birthday, I go home. And he wont be there. Chloe, Shane's oldest, wants to cook a cookie cake for her daddy and make shirts for her, the other kids, and her Daddy. This is just how she is dealing with it. I am so glad that my mom is strong enough to do these things with her. Because once again, I am thankful that I am not there to be a part of this.. because emotionally, I probably couldn't handle it. HOWEVER, how I really wish that I could be with my family today.
I told my sister yesterday that I dreaded today. She didn't understand why- because in America, the next day was only the 29th. Then she understood. She said it kinda sucks because I have to have the 30th for a little longer. No, it wont be the 30th in Japan for two days... but I will know it IS his birthday in the states even when it is July 1st here.. It sucks.
I miss you Shane, every last thing about you. I keep thinking about how you would just hug me.. and I wish I could have that hug again. My heart hurts for your kids, but I know that you are watching moma keep your memory alive... and doing the things you would be doing with them. You will always be my big brother and when asked how many brothers and sisters I have- I will always have two... my older brother and my younger sister.
I love you.
I miss you.
Happy 30th Birthday.
I told my sister yesterday that I dreaded today. She didn't understand why- because in America, the next day was only the 29th. Then she understood. She said it kinda sucks because I have to have the 30th for a little longer. No, it wont be the 30th in Japan for two days... but I will know it IS his birthday in the states even when it is July 1st here.. It sucks.
I miss you Shane, every last thing about you. I keep thinking about how you would just hug me.. and I wish I could have that hug again. My heart hurts for your kids, but I know that you are watching moma keep your memory alive... and doing the things you would be doing with them. You will always be my big brother and when asked how many brothers and sisters I have- I will always have two... my older brother and my younger sister.
I love you.
I miss you.
Happy 30th Birthday.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Routine
Noah will be 3 months old in 4 days. It is so hard to believe that everything has gone by so fast. It amazes me that I have only been his mommy for three months though, I do not remember not having him barely. Neither of us feel like we are missing anything now that we have him. As Nate said, 'our life is so much more fun.' People really just don't seem to understand when I say I DESIRE to be with Noah. I have no desire to go out without him, do things without him, etc. Now, Nate and I will go out without him... but we NEED that for our marriage. But me- I dont WANT to leave him with Daddy when I go to the store just because Daddy is home. I seem to ALWAYS want Noah with me. I have had so many people make comments to me like: 'just wait' 'that will change' 'it is all so new for you now'... I do not want it to change. EVER. I want to always WANT to be with him. I have one friend that LOVES being with her kids... always wants to do things with them... I hope I can be that way. I hope that I can always be as happy as I am now. I feel like this is what I was made to do: Be a Mommy.
Anyways.. I think we are finally into a routine. Before it seemed that everytime I thought we might be into one... well he would change it. But for about the past month, things have been the same. He has really grown out of the fussy stages he went through in the first 8 weeks.. he has been doing GREAT. This seems to be our daily routine:
630-700: Wake up, Eat, Play
800-830: Nap time (very important nap time for him)
930-1000: Eat, Play
1230-100: Nap
100-300: Eat, Play
300-330: Nap
330-530: Play, Cook Dinner, Sit at the Table while Mommy and Daddy eat dinner, Eat
530-600: Nap (very important nap time for him)
700- Begins our nightly routine
*We usually play some more until 730
*In high chair.. we eat rice cereal and now green beans
*Bath time
*Dry off, lotion up
*Naked time in bedroom with his lullubys playing (uslaly about 20 minutes)
*Story time
*Snack time with Mommy, Rock
830: Put in bed while he is still awake. Turn on his mobile.. Within 15 minutes he is asleep, sprawled out, no pacy! And.. he hasnt been crying, it has been good. I hope this routine keeps going!! :)
I am SO in love with Noah... this is not exagerrated at all.. I never knew I could love like this.
Anyways.. I think we are finally into a routine. Before it seemed that everytime I thought we might be into one... well he would change it. But for about the past month, things have been the same. He has really grown out of the fussy stages he went through in the first 8 weeks.. he has been doing GREAT. This seems to be our daily routine:
630-700: Wake up, Eat, Play
800-830: Nap time (very important nap time for him)
930-1000: Eat, Play
1230-100: Nap
100-300: Eat, Play
300-330: Nap
330-530: Play, Cook Dinner, Sit at the Table while Mommy and Daddy eat dinner, Eat
530-600: Nap (very important nap time for him)
700- Begins our nightly routine
*We usually play some more until 730
*In high chair.. we eat rice cereal and now green beans
*Bath time
*Dry off, lotion up
*Naked time in bedroom with his lullubys playing (uslaly about 20 minutes)
*Story time
*Snack time with Mommy, Rock
830: Put in bed while he is still awake. Turn on his mobile.. Within 15 minutes he is asleep, sprawled out, no pacy! And.. he hasnt been crying, it has been good. I hope this routine keeps going!! :)
I am SO in love with Noah... this is not exagerrated at all.. I never knew I could love like this.
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