Being a mom

I worry about this mom thing. What if I can't do it? I have had a wonderful life and everything has always come so easy for me. I am not saying that to brag, but I am being honest. My mom made sure that we had a great life growing up. Losing my brother in December was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I have not had much heartache, sadness, failures, etc. in my life. But what if I can not do this. I know what everyone says.. youll be fine, it will come natural.. da da da! :) But this is my blog, and this is what I want to write about. I have hopes and dreams of the kind of mom I WAnt to be. The ways I want to handle things, how I want things to go, etc. Of course, if I have learned one thing of being a military wife it is that things dont always go my way. Which is FINE! But I pray that I can be the mom that God intends me to be. I have watched so many people travel down this path I am about to venture down- and I have seen it handled so many different ways. I just wonder- how is it going to be for me? I pray it comes easy and natural to me, like pretty much everything has in my life. I have a wonderful example, my own mom, to follow- so that is helpful. But this is scary.

But as I get closer- the more ready I am. I am so ready to meet my little boy. I am beyond ready to experience the next level with Nathan. I am ready to watch the man I love turn into a daddy... to a little boy that we created together. I know that God gave us Noah at the perfect time, and I know that no matter what- it is all going to be good. I ahve the same fears that something is going to be wrong when he comes out. If I have learned one thing-- it is that anything can happen to anyone. When Shane died, I kept saying.. these things dont happen to my family. Well BANG it just did! So, that is something that I have learned.. I am not immune to anything. I know that God will help me handle whatever comes my way. But is it bad of me to pray for that perfect, healthy baby boy?

Does this blog make me sound like a bad person? We did not have any tests ran on Noah that a lot of people do.. for downs syndrome and those kinds of things. We didnt care. So, I am now at the point where I think about those. Of course. I will love my son no matter what.... but I do earnestly pray....

Oh, geez.. these are just my thoughts. I hope that I dont offend anyone.

The countdown is on..

Until I am able to hold my precious baby boy, my first baby. It is so ... odd! Went to the DR today and they book the remainder of my appointments, it was so strange! :) Noah is head down, getting ready to make his grand appearance. It is so amazing to me that I am finally, after 10 years of being with my husband (7married), going to have a baby- half Nate, half me! I am so ready for this.. and so excited to see him!! I already love him so much. I can not wait to bond with my little boy and with Nate and Noah.. as a famiily. I am very ready for my mom to get here too!! Soon! SOON! Due Date is March 24th!!

Rambling,..

Here I sit, 35weeks pregnant, and I finally, FINALLY feel pregnant. Who knew it would take me this long to feel pregnant? I am blessed. I have loved every last minute of this pregnancy. It has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Poor Noah, I have never met him, but he has experienced with me the hardest thing, to date, that I have ever had to go through. My sweet baby boy. 34 days until my due date. That also means... 38 days until I see my mama! I can not wait! I wonder if he will last that long... I mean, I dont feel anything. I am a bit more tired this week .. and today was a gripy day- but all in all, I feel great.. just heavy. Lol. I have a baby shower on Saturday. Abbey and Kim are throwing it for us. I am so blessed with two amazing friends here.. but even more than that, I am blessed with all of the amazing women that surround me here.. and the group that will be there Saturday to show their support. I know I get my stroller.. and I am SO excited. :)

It is still so hard for me to believe that Shane is gone. This week I have been a bit emotional, .. so therefore, I have been really upset about him. I was just working on my bible study and it was talking about trust. I had to list a couple of POSITIVE things that help me trust and a couple of NEGATIVE things that cause me not to trust. I wrote, physically, "Shane's death." Then I reread the words and could not believe it.

I was driving home yesterday and I just got all choked up. How fair is it that two beaufiul girls will grow up, get married, and not have their DADDY walk them down the aisle? How fair is any of this? I mean, really? But as I say that.. how fair is it that I question God? I am still struggling so terribly bad with all of this... It just.. sucks.

I wish BT could come back to Japan. I miss that girl. I miss my whole family. I can not wait to go back home this summer... and take my baby with me. My prayer is that I will be a mommy like my mom has always been to me. I pray that God will help me to love every moment of being a mommy and help me to be strong. I have watched so many different people become mommies.. and everyone handles it a different way. i just pray soooo hard that God will help me always remember what a blessing sweet Noah is.. and that I just.. embrace all of it!!! Please pray for us as we continue through our last 5 weeks of just me, nate, and dezi... our last 5 weeks of being pregnant... our last 5 weeks of the unknown... our last 5 weeks of .. feelign and watching this sweet baby from outside of my belly! :)

Noah...

I don't want any of this (by my sister)

Sometimes...when I think about you...I don't let my mind go there..
I won't let it take me to reality.
When I think of you, that's as far as I go.
I begin to change the subject in my mind so that I don't have to face the truth.
I push it away as though it won't come back,
As if pushing will make it disappear and be less real.

But then it hits me...
It smacks me in the face so hard I didn't see it coming.
I remember the truth,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the sadness...
All of this floods my heart and my memory and it breaks me.

And I remember that YOU, My Brother are gone...

It all comes back to me and knocks me down like a huge wave in the ocean.
I begin to remember when I heard the words,
I remember when I first hugged Mom and cried.
I remember the days that followed,
all the people,
the food,
the love,
the tears,
the sadness.

I remember how I felt when we had to leave you there.
I felt so bad...I didn't want to leave you there alone.
I wanted to take you home with us.
You were supposed to be with us.
All of our family was there...but not you.
Your babies were there but not Daddy.

None of this seems right or real Shane.
And I just hate to think of life without you.
You were just stolen from us all....
and I hate to think of the reality of what the years will bring.

Three siblings, but one missing.
Parents without a son.
A birthday but no one to celebrate for.
Special events with only their Mommy...
Holidays without you,
I don't want any of this.

------
Written by my little sister. The words are truly amazing and how so many of us feel. Why can't this all just be a dream?!

Realization

Sometimes the realization of what has happen hits you in the face full force. Last night Abbey and Ryan were over looking at my baby book and I was showing them some baby pictures. Of course most of my pictures I had were of me and Shane because BT was not here yet. The DeMoss' came over later and we had our LOST party. Everyone left by 1015, and Nate and I had just finished teh kitchen. About 1045 we were heading to bed.. I went to the kitchen to get a TUMS and... it just hit me. And I get angry/sad all mixed together. This isn't the way it is suppose to be. The realization that I truly have not talked to my brother since the first of December is a slap in the face as well. Time does make it easier- for me. But it could be because I do not live at home... but when things just hit me- i hate it. I say I know it has gotten easier because in December I could not imagine being happy even when Noah was born... now I am truly excited for that. People keep saying that Shane was able to hold Noah before he comes in this world... not sure how I feel about stuff like that-- but it does make a person feel good.

I always worry- about everyone in my famimly now. I pray that God keeps them safe, because I just could not handle something like this again...

Simply put- I clearly miss my brother. A.LOT.

Creed

So I am driving home from the Fire Department a bit ago and a CREED song came on. It was an older one. But I remember when Nate and I started dating that there was a new/er CREED CD out and there were two songs on that CD that I just loved. When this song came on- it just made me think of my brother.. but really I wanted to hear the other song. The other song came to my mind so quickly because I remember my mom saying years ago how this song reminds her of Shane.. like when he had Chloe- then he had Ashtyn and Addi. So, I get home and look it up, I knew I would know the CD case cover.. and my gosh, I feel old- it was in 1999. The song that I wanted to hear, but I dont want to hear.. because I will cry is ARMS WIDE OPEN!

With Arms Wide Open
Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

This is the kind of music I remember in my teenage years my brother listening to. I was in college, my freshman year, when I got a voicemail on my answering machine that was from my brother. He was telling me to call him back. And then at the end of the message, he added AUNT to Cassey.. and I knew. I was so happy. My mom was beside herself for a while and I kept reminding her that we need to be grateful that Shane was 21... no a teenager, not still in high school... she got over it! Then when Chloe came into this world, well.. it was all about love. But this song is one that my mom always thought of Shane about.

I just wanted to put this down, so I can always remember thoughts I haev at certain times. As I listened to the CREED song that was on the radio I got that nervous/scared feeling of how this can not be true.

Not.My.Brother.

Gestational Thrombocytopenia

I had a 33 week dr. appt today. I was doing good.. :) I have gained 27lbs so far.. which I am perfectly happy about. I truly did not want to gain more than 30, but if I do- I do. I am not letting it stress me out. And anyone that knows me, well you know how hard that is for me. So I go into the room to get weighed and my blood pressure. As the sweet Japanese lady was asking me questions "are you abused" "are you hurt" "do you want to hurt yourself" lol.. everytime they ask these.. lol. I was looking at my chart. There was a piece of paper that said PROBLEM with a blue sticky that said- "discuss with patient".... All I could read from the paper was Gestational. I could not make any of the other words out. So, we walk out- grab Nate and go sit in the room waiting for the DR. I told Nate that something was wrong and I told him what I saw.. of course he said it was not a big deal. I couldnt help but worry. Nate thought it was crazy that I was worrying so much. But I was. In my heart I knew that if it was something SERIOUS that I would have already heard from them... but I just kept thinking- what if I am hurting this baby by not eating good enough, working out, etc. It has been the most perfect pregnancy. NO complaints.. I couldnt help but worry. Luckily the DR didnt make us wait too terribly long! He comes in, says hello- and asks if we have any questions or concerns.. We did want to talk abotu circumcision, but we said no.. then I was like, "Yes, that paper in my file"... he looked at it and explained that I have gestational thrombocytopenia.

What is that? Pretty much-- my platelet count is low. A normal pregnant lady has above 150,000 where mine is in the 130,000.. nothing too bad he said. We will do blood work again in three weeks... and then again at the time of labor. The main thing it can affect is the possiblity of me not being able to get a epidural. I could only laugh inside when he said that.. because I trulyl want to do this natural.. but I am not crazy to say YES, ABSOLUTLY.. NO EPI.. because I might have too. I told Nate- my luck would be now.. I wont have a choice. Let's hope not. that is only if it gets below 100,000. But for anyone that wants more info.. here is some:

Gestational thrombocytopenia (GT) is also known as essential thrombocytopenia, benign thrombocytopenia, and incidental thrombocytopenia of pregnancy.

Incidence

The incidence of gestational thrombocytopenia is 8% of all pregnancies and accounts for more than 70% of cases of thrombocytopenia in pregnancy.

Pathophysiology

The pathophysiology of gestational thrombocytopenia is unknown, but 2 main factors are associated with GT.

Accelerated platelet activation is suspected to occur at placental circulation.
Accelerated consumption of platelets is due to the reduced lifespan of platelets during pregnancy.
Diagnosis

Asymptomatic patient with no history of abnormal bleeding.
Mild thrombocytopenia (counts >70,000/μL)
Usually detected incidentally on routine prenatal screening.
No specific diagnostic tests to definitively distinguish gestational thrombocytopenia from mild ITP.
Usually develops in the third trimester.
Lescale evaluated 8 different platelet antibodies in 250 gravidas with thrombocytopenia (160 with presumed GT, 90 with ITP) to determine if any antibodies could distinguish the 2 conditions. Platelet-associated IgG was comparably elevated in most women with GT (69.5%) and ITP (64.6%), P =0.24. A significantly higher proportion of patients with ITP had indirect IgG compared with patients with GT (85.9% vs 60.3%, P <0.001), but significant overlap existed, limiting its clinical value. Antiplatelet antibody tests, either alone or in combination, cannot be used to distinguish ITP from GT.2
Clinical manifestations

No prepregnancy history of low platelets or abnormal bleeding.
Platelet counts normalize within 2-12 weeks following delivery.
Burrows reported that all women with GT had normal or normalizing platelet counts by the seventh postpartum day.3
Fetal/neonatal risks

No pathological significance for the mother or fetus.
No risk for fetal hemorrhage or bleeding complications.
Samuels evaluated 162 pregnant women and their infants with thrombocytopenia, 74 with presumed GT. No infant from a GT gravida had a platelet count <50,000/μL or intracranial hemorrhage.4
In Burrows' large 1993 study, 756 of 1027 women who were thrombocytopenic (73.6%) had GT. Only 1 infant had a platelet count <50,000/μL, and this infant had trisomy 21 and congenital bone marrow dysfunction. Burrows concluded that GT is the most frequent type of thrombocytopenia and poses no apparent risks for either the mother or infant at delivery.

Here are some posts from my mom and sister's blog.. my post is at the bottom.

MY MOM:
Life is not fair
How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".
I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....

SISTER:
I feel the same way....it is definitely not real yet, and I still don't know when it will be. It just hits me sometimes, the reality of it. When I remember that night when I found out....or think about how I was making gingerbread doe for my busy weekend of Christmas parties at about the time that my brother was killed.....these things tear me up....That I had so many "important" things going on and then BOOM nothing mattered except being with my family! I know I couldn't have done anything but I almost feel guilty for being so busy or for baking cookies at the time that he died. Like I should have been there, or been on the phone with him or something....But not consumed with my own life. It is hard to explain these feelings but they just come on me sometimes and even I don't understand them. It is just so hard to accept the fact that he is gone. And that three little ones are left without a father. I get so frustrated when I see so many men who have children but don't take care of them....or men who dessert their families....or are locked up.....etc. All of these "fathers" make me so angry b/c my brother was an AMAZING DADDY!!! and he was taken away from his kids accidentally, but there are so many fathers out their who voluntarily leave their children. This is what doesn't seem fair to me, that someone who adored their children and wanted to be a great dad lost that chance, but others have the chance and dont take it!

ME:
I REALLY WISH THAT MY BROTHER WAS STILL HERE. IT IS SUCH A HARD REALIZATION TO KNOW THAT HE IS NOT HERE. I CAN NOT EVEN EXPLAIN IT.. BUT SOMETIMES IT HITS.. AND BOOM! MY HEART HURTS- I FEEL THOSE THINGS I FELT WHEN MY MOM SPOKE THE WORDS THROUGH HER TEARS TO ME THAT NIGHT. IT DOESNT LAST LONG- BUT IT HITS ME. I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT ALL OF US THAT HAVE LOST SHANE, WE LOST A DIFFERENT THING IN SHANE. I HURT SO BAD FOR MY MOM- WHO LOST HER FIRST BORN, HER SON... HER PRIDE AND JOY. SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO PROUD OF ALL THREE OF US. I DO NOT KONW HOW SHE GOES ON.. YES, I DO. SHE IS THE STRONGEST WOMAN WE KNOW. SHANE HAS SAID THAT MILLIONS OF TIMES ABOUT MY MOM. MY DAD LOST HIS FIRST BORN, HIS SON. I DONT KNOW HOW HE IS DEALING WITH IT- I KNOW HE IS REALLY STRUGGLING. I AM GLAD THAT BOTH MY MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING HIS KIDDOS.. AND ARE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM. BRITT AND I .. WE BOTH LOST.. OUR BIG BROTHER, OUR PROTECTOR, THE MAN WE LOOKED UP TOO. WE WILL NEVER HAVE A BIG BROTHER OR BROTHER EVER AGAIN. BUT IN MY EYES, I STILL HAVE A BROTHER, I MAY NOT HAVE HIM RIGHT NOW- BUT I STILL HAVE HIM. THE KIDS.. LOST AN AMAZING FATHER. I GET sooooo ANGRY WHEN I SEE THESE GUYS THAT DONT TAKE CARE OF THEIR KIDS, DADS THAT DONT SPEND TIME WITH THEIR KIDS, DADS THAT ARE IN JAIL, ANYTHING... ANYTHING BESIDES BEING THE DAD THAT THEY SHOULD BE. DOES IT MAKE ME THINK HOW UNFAIR LIFE IS? HECK YES IT DOES!!! IT TRULY IS NOT FAIR.. AND I GET SO MAD. I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND IT. BUT I AM COMING TO THE REALIZATION.. I DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT. I DONT GET A CHOICE. I KNOW I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN SOMEDAY. I SAY THAT LIGHTLY- WITH FAITH.. BUT STILL STRUGGLING TO GRASP IT. I THINK OF CHRISTINA, THE GIRL SHANE WAS DATING, THE GIRL THAT WAS MAKING HIM SO HAPPY-- I HURT FOR HER. MY HEART HAS HURT FOR HER SINCE THE MOMENT I FOUND OUT. I CAN NOT IMAGINE BEING IN HER SHOES. HER AND SHANE BOTH FELT THAT THEY HAD MET "that person." AND THEN.. THAT HAD TO HAPPEN. HE WAS SO EAGER TO INTRODUCE HER TO US.. I COULDNT WAIT. NOW I FEEL SO GUILTY- BECAUSE HE HAD WANTED ME TO CALL HER ONE DAY AFTER HE AND I WERE TALKING. MOST OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS NEVER LIKED ME.. BUT IT IS BECAUSE I SPEAK MY MIND, LOL. HE HAD WARNED HER ABOUT ME HE SAID. I TRIED TO TELL HIM THAT I HAD CHANGED, AND LEARNED MY LESSON.... BUT DONT HURT HIM! :) IN CASE YOU DO NOT KNOW US.. WE ARE A VERY PROTECTIVE FAMILY. I HURT FOR THE KIDS MOMS- CONSTANCE AND STEPHANIE.. ESPECIALLY STEPHANIE. SHE IS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I CAN NOT IMAGINE. SHE HAS LOST A PART OF SHANE THAT SHE WILL NEVER GET BACK. SHE HAS TO BE MOMMMY AND DADDY TO THOSE BABIES.. LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

IT HAS BEEN 2 MONTHS NOW. I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. STEPHANIE SENT MY MOM FLOWERS AT WORK THAT DAY. IT MEANT A LOT TO ME THAT SHE THOUGHT OF MY MOM THAT DAY, THANKS STEPH. I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE HAVE REALLY WALKED ON THIS EARTH FOR 2 MTHS AND NOT TALKED TO OR SEEN HIM. I CAN NOT BELIEVE I SPENT A WHOLE MONTH IN TEXAS... AND BURIED MY BROTHER. IT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND STILL. I THINK I GET THROUGH EACH DAY BECAUSE I HONESTLY THINK ILL TALK TO HIM AGAIN SOON-- THAT HE IS JUST GONE SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW. I LOVE YOU BIG BROTHER AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH.