Rambling,..

Here I sit, 35weeks pregnant, and I finally, FINALLY feel pregnant. Who knew it would take me this long to feel pregnant? I am blessed. I have loved every last minute of this pregnancy. It has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Poor Noah, I have never met him, but he has experienced with me the hardest thing, to date, that I have ever had to go through. My sweet baby boy. 34 days until my due date. That also means... 38 days until I see my mama! I can not wait! I wonder if he will last that long... I mean, I dont feel anything. I am a bit more tired this week .. and today was a gripy day- but all in all, I feel great.. just heavy. Lol. I have a baby shower on Saturday. Abbey and Kim are throwing it for us. I am so blessed with two amazing friends here.. but even more than that, I am blessed with all of the amazing women that surround me here.. and the group that will be there Saturday to show their support. I know I get my stroller.. and I am SO excited. :)

It is still so hard for me to believe that Shane is gone. This week I have been a bit emotional, .. so therefore, I have been really upset about him. I was just working on my bible study and it was talking about trust. I had to list a couple of POSITIVE things that help me trust and a couple of NEGATIVE things that cause me not to trust. I wrote, physically, "Shane's death." Then I reread the words and could not believe it.

I was driving home yesterday and I just got all choked up. How fair is it that two beaufiul girls will grow up, get married, and not have their DADDY walk them down the aisle? How fair is any of this? I mean, really? But as I say that.. how fair is it that I question God? I am still struggling so terribly bad with all of this... It just.. sucks.

I wish BT could come back to Japan. I miss that girl. I miss my whole family. I can not wait to go back home this summer... and take my baby with me. My prayer is that I will be a mommy like my mom has always been to me. I pray that God will help me to love every moment of being a mommy and help me to be strong. I have watched so many different people become mommies.. and everyone handles it a different way. i just pray soooo hard that God will help me always remember what a blessing sweet Noah is.. and that I just.. embrace all of it!!! Please pray for us as we continue through our last 5 weeks of just me, nate, and dezi... our last 5 weeks of being pregnant... our last 5 weeks of the unknown... our last 5 weeks of .. feelign and watching this sweet baby from outside of my belly! :)