Tuesday, 17 January 2012

I am a food addict.

*This was written last night, Jan. 16, but I have debated about actually posting it*

Hi, my name is Cassey and I am a recovering food addict. Seriously.

I have struggled my whole life with being the overweight gal. I have tried every fad diet out there and I have lost a little weight here and there, but mostly, I put it right back on. I think I am just use to being the fat girl that I put on a happy smile to mask the pain I am in being the big girl. Is there anyone out there that understands that? I am sure there are many of you that can totally understand!!! 

I was successful once.

2007. I had graduated college and had my first teaching job... and I did not want to be the fat teacher. I wanted to look good. Heck, I was only 24 years old. On June 18th of that year, I made a lifestyle change. I started my journey at 228 pounds. When I started school in August, I felt AWESOME! I had been working out and eating right. I continued to lose weight and focus on me and it was great. My husband was finally getting the beautiful wife that his hunky self deserved. I was happy. In October of that year, an acquaintance (who became one of my best friends) asked me to run a half marathon with her the following March. I had recently began running and she thought I would be the perfect running partner. For the next six months we ran and trained for our half marathon. I found a NEW ME, a girl that I LOVED! 

2008. Brought many changes. We had just gotten news that we would be moving to Japan for three years. I hit my lowest weight to date of 148. I felt awesome. I ran a half marathon in 2 hours and 21 minutes and DID NOT STOP ONE TIME. I was on it. I could do this. WAIT! I did this! I was in love with me. I was in love with who I had become. I was happy. As we moved to Japan my focus on what I put into my body was not near as important to me as I began enjoying all of the Japanese food. However, I never got above 165 and I still felt great. But I let go of my goals when it came to my body. I didn't think I would ever see high numbers on thats scale Again. I was wearing a size 8, a size that was so very foreign to me! I felt AWESOME! 

2009. I found out I was pregnant. God had blessed us. I firmly believe that I got pregnant because I had lost the weight and was active. I had previously been diagnosed with PCOS and was told it would be very difficult for me to have children. Getting pregnant was a big surprise. July of that year we had gone to Tokyo to climb Mt. Fuji. We did it! We were the second couple up and back down Mt. Fuji with our group. We were loving the active lifestyle together. Two days later I found out I was five weeks pregnant. How awesome! Life couldn't get better. :) Oh, but it could get worse. December of that year I found out that my brother was killed in a car wreck and we were rushed home to be with family. Rushed from Japan still took two days. A part of me died with Shane that day. I will never be the same person. I am so thankful though that my brothers last memories of me are not the fat Cassey. A couple of months before that terrible day he was talking to me on the phone telling me that he and my mom were looking at old pictures... and that they just never realized how big I really was all those years. I was Cassey... the people that loved me FOR ME, never saw the fat.. until it was not there anymore. I am sad to say, I am looking very similar to that girl from years ago again today. 

2010. I enjoyed being pregnant in Japan. I missed my brother like crazy. I continued to eat and eat. I was one of those gals that said when I get pregnant I will not eat like I am eating for two... I will eat healthy, workout. Yea, right! The only thing that I worked was my jaw... eating all of those Popeye's mashed potatoes. I am also one of those girls that covers up my pain, sadness, anger, etc. with food. Why I have allowed food to suppress my feelings for so long is beyond me. March of that year I had went in for induction at 40 weeks and 5 days. I was prepared for a natural birth. I wanted to do it all the right way. I had researched it all.. I was READY! :) However, Noah would not progress. I ended up having a C-Section (not my plans:)). Going in to have Noah, I weighed in at 256lbs. WHOA! I was so swollen. I know everyone says that.. but seriously. :) Within two weeks I had gotten down to 185lbs... It was truly awesome becoming a Mommy.

Today. I sit here quite a bit heavier than what I was before I had Noah. I have not been able to find my mojo to get this weight off. I continue to allow food comfort me when I am sad, angry, lonely. I have finally joined a gym and I really, really LOVE going. I have not lost any weight, though. No matter how much I workout, I haven't lost weight. Clearly the answer is the food I have been eating. I just can't seem to kick that bowl of cereal, that slice of fresh made bread, that pasta dish, etc. For the past two years I have been toying with a COMPLETE lifestyle change with how we eat. I have been researching it and I love everything I read and know about changing my life. It is just taking that step to do it. I want my family to be a healthy family. I know the right steps... but again, it is a matter of doing it! 

A few weeks ago I started reading into the Paleo Lifestyle. Have you heard of it? Tonight I joined the Paleo Challenge at my gym for 30 days. I am not sure if putting this out there for everyone to read is the right thing or not. I worry about being judged or failure. But as my husband said: "So, don't fail!" So if you are judging me... please keep it to yourself. I need support... and I know there are so many people that have struggled that can support me right now. I need all of the support that I can get. I also know there are many people just like me.. you are at your whits end, you are sick of how you feel and look, you need the motivation to put one foot in front of another. If I can motivate anyone to take that first step ... it will all be worth it.

So here I am. Today we took measurements and before pictures. My hope is that eventually I will feel comfortable enough to put those pictures up here for you to see... when you can see where I ended up.

So if you are reading this, will you promise to support me, follow me, and encourage me on my 30 day challenge, that is going to turn into my forever? I am going to have hard days... but I WANT and NEED to succeed. Something changed in me when I became a Mommy. I want and need to be here for my son. I want to grow old with my husband. I want to live an active life with my family. I want to have more children. This is the only way it is going to happen- changing my life. I don't want my child(ren) to grow up struggling with weight the way I have. I want them to have a healthy relationship with food and be able to enjoy it... but not think they have to depend on it during the hard times in their life! 

Here is to Day 1 of changing my life FOREVER!

*Day 1 went great. I ate 100% on track and had a great workout. I have not been tired or hungry all day*

-Thanks for your support!

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