Is it true that I am really boarding that flight tomorrow back to Japan? Is it true that I am really leaving my mom tomorrow? Is it true that tomorrow marks 4 weeks since my brother died? Is any of this true at all?
I don't want to go back to Japan. I want to stay right where I am. I am not ready to face everyone else... and get back to my normal life. I am not ready to leave Addi, Ashtyn, and Chloe. I am glad my mom will get to come to me in March when Noah is here... but it is killing me to leave her tomorrow. I know she needs me, but I do not have a choice. I have a life in Japan. I have a job in Japan. That is where we are for now.
This month has been the most surreal month of my life. It still does not seem real. I have gone to the cemetery a few times to see Shane's grave. It still doesnt seem right. We ordered his headstone the same week we buried him, it is so perfect. I will not see it until I get back in July, but... I know it fits him perfect.
The shower for Noah was wonderful. We recieved everything we needed/wanted. I am getting kinda ready for this. I do not think about labor, but rather ... what the heck am I going to do with a baby? It makes me very nervous. I got one of Shane's outfits when he was first born. It isnt the cutest little thing, but it is what I want Noah to come home in. It is actually more of a summer outfit, but I am going to use it anyways... he will be okay!
I have enjoyed this special time with my family. It is time I will never forget! If you read this, please pray for us as we board that long flight tomorrow.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Wedding and Life
My baby sister got married on the 19th. This is the reason we were planning to come home already. It was a beautiful day. She had the most amazing wedding and I am so glad that I was able to be a part of it! I love my family and it has been great the amount of time that I have been able to spend with them. Britt gets home tonight from her honeymoon from St. Lucia. I am so ready to see her. Tonight, actually in about 15 minutes also is 3 weeks exactly since my brother, Shane, died. Really? Really? One week from today we head back to Japan. Do I want to? No! Am I ready? No! Although I am ready for some sense of normalcy to come back to my life, I am not ready. I am not ready to get back there and everyone expect me to just pick up where I left off. I am not ready to get there with happy people all around me... people that do not know or can even attempt the pain I am going through each day. I want to stay here .. with my family. Guarded in the safe haven of my moms arms. I am ready to get Dezi back... and to spend more time with Nathan.. but I am not ready for my life to carry on. I know it has to happen, but I am not ready. I am such a tough person.. that most people will never even realize the pain I am in. But I just want to stay here with people that understand me. People that understand why I gaze off and dont talk, why I will randomly start crying, why I have no desire to celebrate the holidays this year.
The kids have been talking a lot about their daddy tonight. It has been so hard. There have been so many deaths in this area just this month. It is insane!!! I see an article and read about another young person dying in a wreck or something-- and I realize that we arent alone. There are so many other people that feel like they are dying inside along with us. Those are the people that you wish you knew... not the people that can easily carry on with their lives.
It makes me so mad to see some people that are arguing amongst their family... or anything. We would give ANYTHING to have everyone here for Christmas this year.. and we would have had that if he hadnt of died. But there are other families that are making the chioce NOT to attend functions with their family because of stuff that has come between them. Those are the people that I just want to shake and yell out.. LIFE IS SHORT!!!! It just isnt right.
We put all the kids to bed, they are excited because Santa will be visiting here. We have been so blessed.. SO BLESSED! Shane's kids are having a good Christmas.. as he wanted. He HATED holidays.. except this one. Mom and I are about to set out the presents and stockings from Santa. When they wake up their Aunt Brittany and Uncle Meguell will be back and we will open gifts together. We plan to go to the cemetery as well... Then they will go to their mommy for Christmas. I know tomorrow is going to be hard.. and I am not ready for it!
Anyways, I wanted to put the "toast" I gave my sister on here so I always have it and those of you that missed the wedding can read it. Have a merry Christmas.
To my little sister and Meguell:
My brother and I have always said that no guy would ever be good enough for Britt. Brittany is one of the most caring, giving, and passionate people that we know and we both knew it would be hard for her to find that perfect match. Today brings a whirlwind of emotions for all of us; happy tears and sad tears are being cried. But Meguell, you need to know that all of the tears that are being cried today for you and Brittany are happy tears. A few weeks ago I was talking to Shane on the phone and he was telling me how proud he was of both Brittany and myself. That conversation with Shane is one that I will treasure in my heart forever. Meguell, in case you didn’t know, you have to really try hard to gain Shane’s approval; Nate went through it too. That day on the phone Shane told me that you indeed had his approval, well in his own words. He told me that he could not think of any two better men to be the husbands of his two sisters. You had a harder road with Shane because as we have grown older our relationships with each other have grown stronger and the protection that Shane has always had over Britt and I, well that has grown much stronger as well. If Shane were here today he would be standing here with me, even though he is not the matron of honor. He would be standing here and would want to tell you that he is happy to have you come into our family and to be his brother-in-law. However, Shane being Shane… he would still threaten you with your life, in front of all of these people and tell you—if you hurt her, he will hurt you! Welcome to our family Meguell, you are good enough for our Brittany.
I remember when I found out about you and Brittany. We were living in Mississippi at this time. The summer Brittany went to Rockin’ C I told her that she was going to find the boy she was going to marry. She laughed at me. When I got the phone call from my mom about you—I told my mom, “She is going to marry this boy.” She was in love with you from the beginning. You have done nothing but make her happy. Thank you. I love you for that. It has always been so important to me that Shane and Brittany are happy. To see that you are truly making her happy--- man, Meguell, it really relieves me. My one regret is that I have not gotten to spend as much time getting to know you. The military has sent Nate and I to different places away from here, so I have not been able to be a big part of your relationship with Brittany. You have no clue what it means to me that you included me in the proposal details and the after party at your house, even if it was via webcam! I love the fact that we can joke around with one another, you get me and I get you. Meguell, I love you and I am so excited to have a brother-in-law. But, keep in mind… you are not only marrying Britt—but ALL of us!!!!
Brittany, I love you. You are my heart and one of my best friends. I have shared so much with you in our short life together. I am so happy to see you get the wedding of your dreams. YES, I give you a hard time about you know, being spoiled, but I am so happy you are getting what you want. I have always loved doing and giving for you and I am thankful that I have been able to. But in Nate’s words, “You are cut off.” It’s Meguell’s turn! J I have so many memories from our childhood. I know that my heart hurts a lot of times when I remember how I treated you when we were younger. But I am so glad that as we have gotten older, we have gotten closer. As you reminded me just last night, the summer before I graduated High School, our relationship took a turn. We became best friends that summer. I am so thankful for that. We have so many memories together, especially bedtime memories… I hope if you and Meguell decide to take turns scratching each others backs, he will actually scratch yours in return and not pretend to be asleep. This past summer is one of the best memories that I have. I will treasure the time that you, me, and moma spent in Japan. It was our last summer together before you married! I am so glad we got to experience it. I know you are going to make an amazing wife. This is something that you have always wanted, and you are going to be wonderful at it! Just think, now we have more to chat about! J
If Shane were here today we both know the first thing he would talking to you about. But after that, he would probably have a hard time not crying because you are so beautiful. Shane would tell you how proud he is of you and Meguell and he would look you in your eyes and tell you what a beautiful bride you make. He is so proud of you and what you have become sister. I know not having him here is hard, it is hard for all of us. We are missing a piece in our puzzle. Recently while talking to Shane, we were talking about today, your wedding day, and he was boasting with pride, that you, that his baby, BABY sister was about to be a bride. We have a big brother that has been allowed to watch over us our whole life. It is almost like God kept him here to do that until we were both given another man to take care of us, which makes it seem as if his work with us, his sisters, was complete (even if we don’t believe that). We have awesome memories of Shane and those are what we should treasure. I am so glad that you have found a guy like Meguell who is able to be supportive during the hardest time of your life! But as you cry those tears that you are crying today because we are missing a huge part of our life, know that Shane is looking down smiling because he loves you so much and he is so happy that you and Meguell are getting married.
Sister, we both love you, more than words can say. You are a light that shines so bright. Congrats to you both, we are so happy for you.
The kids have been talking a lot about their daddy tonight. It has been so hard. There have been so many deaths in this area just this month. It is insane!!! I see an article and read about another young person dying in a wreck or something-- and I realize that we arent alone. There are so many other people that feel like they are dying inside along with us. Those are the people that you wish you knew... not the people that can easily carry on with their lives.
It makes me so mad to see some people that are arguing amongst their family... or anything. We would give ANYTHING to have everyone here for Christmas this year.. and we would have had that if he hadnt of died. But there are other families that are making the chioce NOT to attend functions with their family because of stuff that has come between them. Those are the people that I just want to shake and yell out.. LIFE IS SHORT!!!! It just isnt right.
We put all the kids to bed, they are excited because Santa will be visiting here. We have been so blessed.. SO BLESSED! Shane's kids are having a good Christmas.. as he wanted. He HATED holidays.. except this one. Mom and I are about to set out the presents and stockings from Santa. When they wake up their Aunt Brittany and Uncle Meguell will be back and we will open gifts together. We plan to go to the cemetery as well... Then they will go to their mommy for Christmas. I know tomorrow is going to be hard.. and I am not ready for it!
Anyways, I wanted to put the "toast" I gave my sister on here so I always have it and those of you that missed the wedding can read it. Have a merry Christmas.
To my little sister and Meguell:
My brother and I have always said that no guy would ever be good enough for Britt. Brittany is one of the most caring, giving, and passionate people that we know and we both knew it would be hard for her to find that perfect match. Today brings a whirlwind of emotions for all of us; happy tears and sad tears are being cried. But Meguell, you need to know that all of the tears that are being cried today for you and Brittany are happy tears. A few weeks ago I was talking to Shane on the phone and he was telling me how proud he was of both Brittany and myself. That conversation with Shane is one that I will treasure in my heart forever. Meguell, in case you didn’t know, you have to really try hard to gain Shane’s approval; Nate went through it too. That day on the phone Shane told me that you indeed had his approval, well in his own words. He told me that he could not think of any two better men to be the husbands of his two sisters. You had a harder road with Shane because as we have grown older our relationships with each other have grown stronger and the protection that Shane has always had over Britt and I, well that has grown much stronger as well. If Shane were here today he would be standing here with me, even though he is not the matron of honor. He would be standing here and would want to tell you that he is happy to have you come into our family and to be his brother-in-law. However, Shane being Shane… he would still threaten you with your life, in front of all of these people and tell you—if you hurt her, he will hurt you! Welcome to our family Meguell, you are good enough for our Brittany.
I remember when I found out about you and Brittany. We were living in Mississippi at this time. The summer Brittany went to Rockin’ C I told her that she was going to find the boy she was going to marry. She laughed at me. When I got the phone call from my mom about you—I told my mom, “She is going to marry this boy.” She was in love with you from the beginning. You have done nothing but make her happy. Thank you. I love you for that. It has always been so important to me that Shane and Brittany are happy. To see that you are truly making her happy--- man, Meguell, it really relieves me. My one regret is that I have not gotten to spend as much time getting to know you. The military has sent Nate and I to different places away from here, so I have not been able to be a big part of your relationship with Brittany. You have no clue what it means to me that you included me in the proposal details and the after party at your house, even if it was via webcam! I love the fact that we can joke around with one another, you get me and I get you. Meguell, I love you and I am so excited to have a brother-in-law. But, keep in mind… you are not only marrying Britt—but ALL of us!!!!
Brittany, I love you. You are my heart and one of my best friends. I have shared so much with you in our short life together. I am so happy to see you get the wedding of your dreams. YES, I give you a hard time about you know, being spoiled, but I am so happy you are getting what you want. I have always loved doing and giving for you and I am thankful that I have been able to. But in Nate’s words, “You are cut off.” It’s Meguell’s turn! J I have so many memories from our childhood. I know that my heart hurts a lot of times when I remember how I treated you when we were younger. But I am so glad that as we have gotten older, we have gotten closer. As you reminded me just last night, the summer before I graduated High School, our relationship took a turn. We became best friends that summer. I am so thankful for that. We have so many memories together, especially bedtime memories… I hope if you and Meguell decide to take turns scratching each others backs, he will actually scratch yours in return and not pretend to be asleep. This past summer is one of the best memories that I have. I will treasure the time that you, me, and moma spent in Japan. It was our last summer together before you married! I am so glad we got to experience it. I know you are going to make an amazing wife. This is something that you have always wanted, and you are going to be wonderful at it! Just think, now we have more to chat about! J
If Shane were here today we both know the first thing he would talking to you about. But after that, he would probably have a hard time not crying because you are so beautiful. Shane would tell you how proud he is of you and Meguell and he would look you in your eyes and tell you what a beautiful bride you make. He is so proud of you and what you have become sister. I know not having him here is hard, it is hard for all of us. We are missing a piece in our puzzle. Recently while talking to Shane, we were talking about today, your wedding day, and he was boasting with pride, that you, that his baby, BABY sister was about to be a bride. We have a big brother that has been allowed to watch over us our whole life. It is almost like God kept him here to do that until we were both given another man to take care of us, which makes it seem as if his work with us, his sisters, was complete (even if we don’t believe that). We have awesome memories of Shane and those are what we should treasure. I am so glad that you have found a guy like Meguell who is able to be supportive during the hardest time of your life! But as you cry those tears that you are crying today because we are missing a huge part of our life, know that Shane is looking down smiling because he loves you so much and he is so happy that you and Meguell are getting married.
Sister, we both love you, more than words can say. You are a light that shines so bright. Congrats to you both, we are so happy for you.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Carrying On..
Last night, Sunday, I took Addi and Ashtyn to church with the Shaw's. Nate helped me take them to the nursery and then we headed to church. We walk into church as it is already starting and wouldn't you know-- they were singing Christmas songs. NOT what I wanted or needed. It is much easier to forget that Christmas is coming. My brother will not be there this year or any other year. The more days that pass by--- the more I begin to get into denial. It really can not be true. HOW am I suppose to live my life not talking to him? How are his kids suppose to not know him or be with him. I just hear him in my head all the time and all of the things he says or would say. I broke down at church and quite honestly, I began to wish that i wasnt even there. It was hard, but turned into a good night. I had several people come over and pray for Nate and I... which was very good. Those kids.. they are so silly! :) But I am so glad that I was able to take them. It was a scary drive home though, as I do not like driving in the dark now. We drove home the same way my brother drove his last trip, same road, same everything.
Today we took the babies to daycare. Their mommy got them afterwards and we will get them again on Friday. I love those kids! I mean, i LOOOOVE them! I wish I could just have them! They are my heart. Then me, mom, Britt, and grandma headed out shopping for Christmas for the babies. It was very important to my brother that his kids have a good Christmas-- and they will. They have been blessed.
I came to stay with Nate tonight at his parents. it is so hard not being at my moms, but i need to be with him some as well. He will go to Meguell's Bachelor party on Wed and Thur and I am throwing Britts Bachelorette Party on Thursday night. Friday consists of all kinds of wedding activities and Satruday is the wedding. sunday we have family Christmas... then Christmas. Then the 27th is my Baby Shower. Just so much to do to keep you busy- but sometimes, you dont want to be busy, you truly want to just sit there and cry. But you cant. I havent been a total basket case lately, but sometimes it hits me.. and i just cant stop. I love my brother so much and this is just so.. unbelieveable.. and i will never understand it.
I dread coming back to Japan. Honestly. I miss my friends- but I wish I could just stay here with my mom. She needs me. But I have to go with Nate and I have to do what we do. In time we will be back home, in time. This happening has changed my view of what IIIII want for our future so much!! Please keep praying, we need it.
Today we took the babies to daycare. Their mommy got them afterwards and we will get them again on Friday. I love those kids! I mean, i LOOOOVE them! I wish I could just have them! They are my heart. Then me, mom, Britt, and grandma headed out shopping for Christmas for the babies. It was very important to my brother that his kids have a good Christmas-- and they will. They have been blessed.
I came to stay with Nate tonight at his parents. it is so hard not being at my moms, but i need to be with him some as well. He will go to Meguell's Bachelor party on Wed and Thur and I am throwing Britts Bachelorette Party on Thursday night. Friday consists of all kinds of wedding activities and Satruday is the wedding. sunday we have family Christmas... then Christmas. Then the 27th is my Baby Shower. Just so much to do to keep you busy- but sometimes, you dont want to be busy, you truly want to just sit there and cry. But you cant. I havent been a total basket case lately, but sometimes it hits me.. and i just cant stop. I love my brother so much and this is just so.. unbelieveable.. and i will never understand it.
I dread coming back to Japan. Honestly. I miss my friends- but I wish I could just stay here with my mom. She needs me. But I have to go with Nate and I have to do what we do. In time we will be back home, in time. This happening has changed my view of what IIIII want for our future so much!! Please keep praying, we need it.
Saturday, 12 December 2009
Anger
I can not help but be angry. I never saw myself in this situation.... ever! I honestly can not even express how I feel. Except that we have been robbed. It is not fair. We had to go to Shane's today to start going through his house. Britt is getting married in a week and next week entails doing a lot for her wedding. And... well I need to make sure that I am here to help my mom do this. So, today we head over there and get ready to do this. First of all today, we had to go bury Shane. We had a gathering at the cemetery and we prayed and said a few words and then we buried him. It finally feels like we have put him to rest. BUT I dont want to put him to rest. This isnt right. Even as I write this, I hardly believe it. So, after that I want to take the kids to McDonalds.. so we go there. Then we head to Shanes. For those of you that do not know, Shane lives in the house we grew up in our whole life. I realized today... how odd it is that, well I have not been there. Shanes house is always my second stop when I come home. I always come to Moms to unload then go to my brother and his kids. But today... I realized, I had not been there in over a week and i had been home. Not fair. Ashtyn keeps talking about his daddy being in heaven and Chloe is explaining how he is an angel watching us from heaven. Well when we get out, Addi, 2 years old, said to me, "im gonna go see my daddy!" This is what she would have said before. I tried to explain to her that Daddy was not there. And yes, we did take the kids.. because they wanted to go to their Daddys house to play in their rooms and to get some of their toys. So we spent about 4-5 hours there. It was so hard. I walk in and his kitchen and living room have all kinds of Japanese things hanging on the walls. Shane was so proud of me and Britt both. It kills me!
I was in his room going through some things and told my ssiter, "it isnt fair at all, because Shane.. when he left that morning for work, he had no clue he would never come back to his house..." Or see his kids again, or us again. I am telling you- it is not right. I can not help but be ANGRY! I have always been so strong in my faith and I admire those that are extremely strong in their faith during times like this- but I can not lie.. I am not. There is nothing right about this. People say, "let go and let god" "everything happens for a reason" "something great is going to happen out of this"..... SERIOUSLY? i am sure that I have said similar things to people that have gone through this... and for that.. i am so sorry.
You know I have kept up with the Sullivans blog, where Sara recently passed away. My heart has hurt for them and i have looked at her husband as someone that I truly admire because of how he has dealt with this... his blogs are always so amazing. I can not feel the way he does. How he can just be such an amazing person through losing his wife after their baby girl was just born... I dont know. Because I am angry. Not fair.
More than feeling that I have been robbed or that any of us have... I think Shane has been robbed. He has been robbed the awesoe chance to continue watching his beautiful children grow up. I look at these kids and just want to break down. Nothing is fair about this. We have to keep Shane alive to them. But how do you do that? HOW!!!! It is not fair. I jsut can not accept it- will I ever?
I have kept thinking that had this not happen.. my countdown for Texas would be at 0 now and my status on facebook would be one of the two things I had planned... either "Leaving on a Jet Plane.... Ill be back way to soon..." or "I can not wait to hug my brother and his babies." Yes, I had truly thought of these and I was leaning towards the others because I could not wait to see Shane, Chloe, Ashtyn, Addisyn. LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Will I ever get over this? If this had not happened, right now, in Japan i would be at the airport with my friends ... getting ready to come home and meet everyone at the Longview airport. HOWEVER, that is not what happened. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever expect something like this to happen. We have lost someone so dear.
Sorry if my blogs are so depressing... but i can not help it. And for the first time in a long time, i truly feel that I need to write! Gotta go finish bathing these kiddos!!
I was in his room going through some things and told my ssiter, "it isnt fair at all, because Shane.. when he left that morning for work, he had no clue he would never come back to his house..." Or see his kids again, or us again. I am telling you- it is not right. I can not help but be ANGRY! I have always been so strong in my faith and I admire those that are extremely strong in their faith during times like this- but I can not lie.. I am not. There is nothing right about this. People say, "let go and let god" "everything happens for a reason" "something great is going to happen out of this"..... SERIOUSLY? i am sure that I have said similar things to people that have gone through this... and for that.. i am so sorry.
You know I have kept up with the Sullivans blog, where Sara recently passed away. My heart has hurt for them and i have looked at her husband as someone that I truly admire because of how he has dealt with this... his blogs are always so amazing. I can not feel the way he does. How he can just be such an amazing person through losing his wife after their baby girl was just born... I dont know. Because I am angry. Not fair.
More than feeling that I have been robbed or that any of us have... I think Shane has been robbed. He has been robbed the awesoe chance to continue watching his beautiful children grow up. I look at these kids and just want to break down. Nothing is fair about this. We have to keep Shane alive to them. But how do you do that? HOW!!!! It is not fair. I jsut can not accept it- will I ever?
I have kept thinking that had this not happen.. my countdown for Texas would be at 0 now and my status on facebook would be one of the two things I had planned... either "Leaving on a Jet Plane.... Ill be back way to soon..." or "I can not wait to hug my brother and his babies." Yes, I had truly thought of these and I was leaning towards the others because I could not wait to see Shane, Chloe, Ashtyn, Addisyn. LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Will I ever get over this? If this had not happened, right now, in Japan i would be at the airport with my friends ... getting ready to come home and meet everyone at the Longview airport. HOWEVER, that is not what happened. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever expect something like this to happen. We have lost someone so dear.
Sorry if my blogs are so depressing... but i can not help it. And for the first time in a long time, i truly feel that I need to write! Gotta go finish bathing these kiddos!!
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Numb Part II
Monday, December 7, 2009- My moms birthday and my brothers funeral
Such a very sad day. I woke up and told my moma happy birthday. It was a quiet one, you dont really know what to say on a day like this. Nate had stayed at his house with my cousins, i remember calling to make sure that they were up and ready. The funeral was to begin at 10am. Meguell and Britt's friend Kori showed up at the house- they were so great. The carried the cross that Brian and Craig had made and a few other things to the church. We all head to the church. We are pulling into the church when we see the hearse pulling up as well. This was very hard. We all stood quietly outside in the cold weather as they opened the back and proceeded to bring my brother out in the casket. I just cried. This isn't right at all. Nothing about this whole situation is right or okay.
Once they had Shane in the church, they took him to the front and began doing what they do. At this point, Meguell is setting up the projector to do the slide show that was created for my brother. We are busy in the foyer of the church hanging the 2 posters with pictures full of Shane .. they looked so great. Now that I think of it, I do not even think we took a single picture of them. We put Shanes picture and the picture of him and my grandpa on the foyer table and placed the cross with markers on another table for people to sign.
When I walked into the sanctuary, it was hard. I was amazed at how many more flowers we had when they began placing htem in there. I had put our ultrasound picture of baby noah in the coffin with Shane and put Uncle Shane on it. Granted, I understand that shane was no longer there-- but it made me feel better. He was filled with things he loved. There were so many people there. Before it started I remember looking back and seeing all of the people standing up-- there was a whole group of Shane's friends there... I went and got them and brought them to the two empty pews in the church. Then the service began.
It was very hard, yet sooo beautiful! Britt leaned over at one point and told me that Shane would have laughed because this church was more full today than it had been in years. We could totally hear Shane talking about that! Our sweet brother. It was soooo hard, we just sat there and cried. i was between Brittany and Nathan and could feel their support the whole time. The songs played were "Amazing Grace," which was sang by Constance, chloe's mom.... "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey. Shane alawys said he wanted that since one of his friends when he was 17 died and it was played at his funeral. And "Chinaberry Lane." Written and sang by Bro. Mark. This was so fitting for Shane. We grew up on Chinaberry Rd. and Shane always wanted to come back there, which he did-- and raise his children. My dad spoke.. it was very sad. Then Bro. Mark spoke. Bro. Mark spoke the sweetest words. Shane would have loved every minute of it. Shane had a resident from Truman Smith come.. in his wheelchair and all, struggling to talk, but to share about him and to let Shane know they all loved him. It tore your heart out. My brother was loved. When I looked behind me in the middle of the service .. there were people lined on the back wall and the side walls. i hope Shane knew how much our community truly loved him. What a great man.
It was a very hard day! I love him. i miss him everday. It seems so unfair to move on with life.. while.. he isnt here. I know people do it all the time, but how? It isnt fair. HE was such a HUGE part of our lives. I just do not understand. I pray that the Lord will restore my faith, because this... this is just too much.
On Tuesday:
We went and picked out Shanes headstone. It is so fitting for him. i will take a picture of the paper copy of what we are doign adn share it soon.
Thank you all for your continued support for my whole family. We are so grateful! Thanks to those that have given to our babies. Please keep us in your prayers.
Such a very sad day. I woke up and told my moma happy birthday. It was a quiet one, you dont really know what to say on a day like this. Nate had stayed at his house with my cousins, i remember calling to make sure that they were up and ready. The funeral was to begin at 10am. Meguell and Britt's friend Kori showed up at the house- they were so great. The carried the cross that Brian and Craig had made and a few other things to the church. We all head to the church. We are pulling into the church when we see the hearse pulling up as well. This was very hard. We all stood quietly outside in the cold weather as they opened the back and proceeded to bring my brother out in the casket. I just cried. This isn't right at all. Nothing about this whole situation is right or okay.
Once they had Shane in the church, they took him to the front and began doing what they do. At this point, Meguell is setting up the projector to do the slide show that was created for my brother. We are busy in the foyer of the church hanging the 2 posters with pictures full of Shane .. they looked so great. Now that I think of it, I do not even think we took a single picture of them. We put Shanes picture and the picture of him and my grandpa on the foyer table and placed the cross with markers on another table for people to sign.
When I walked into the sanctuary, it was hard. I was amazed at how many more flowers we had when they began placing htem in there. I had put our ultrasound picture of baby noah in the coffin with Shane and put Uncle Shane on it. Granted, I understand that shane was no longer there-- but it made me feel better. He was filled with things he loved. There were so many people there. Before it started I remember looking back and seeing all of the people standing up-- there was a whole group of Shane's friends there... I went and got them and brought them to the two empty pews in the church. Then the service began.
It was very hard, yet sooo beautiful! Britt leaned over at one point and told me that Shane would have laughed because this church was more full today than it had been in years. We could totally hear Shane talking about that! Our sweet brother. It was soooo hard, we just sat there and cried. i was between Brittany and Nathan and could feel their support the whole time. The songs played were "Amazing Grace," which was sang by Constance, chloe's mom.... "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey. Shane alawys said he wanted that since one of his friends when he was 17 died and it was played at his funeral. And "Chinaberry Lane." Written and sang by Bro. Mark. This was so fitting for Shane. We grew up on Chinaberry Rd. and Shane always wanted to come back there, which he did-- and raise his children. My dad spoke.. it was very sad. Then Bro. Mark spoke. Bro. Mark spoke the sweetest words. Shane would have loved every minute of it. Shane had a resident from Truman Smith come.. in his wheelchair and all, struggling to talk, but to share about him and to let Shane know they all loved him. It tore your heart out. My brother was loved. When I looked behind me in the middle of the service .. there were people lined on the back wall and the side walls. i hope Shane knew how much our community truly loved him. What a great man.
It was a very hard day! I love him. i miss him everday. It seems so unfair to move on with life.. while.. he isnt here. I know people do it all the time, but how? It isnt fair. HE was such a HUGE part of our lives. I just do not understand. I pray that the Lord will restore my faith, because this... this is just too much.
On Tuesday:
We went and picked out Shanes headstone. It is so fitting for him. i will take a picture of the paper copy of what we are doign adn share it soon.
Thank you all for your continued support for my whole family. We are so grateful! Thanks to those that have given to our babies. Please keep us in your prayers.
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Numb Part 1
If I had to use one word to describe my family and I right now- it would be numb. This has been the hardest time of my life so far. The hardest time up to this was watching my grandpa die. BUT at least with gpa, we were prepared and ... we understood he was in a better place. I know Heaven is a wonderful place, but I can not understand why the Lord would take him... when he is so important to his children. These small kids have to grow up without knowing their daddy. It breaks my heart. Nothing inside me wants to return to Japan, but rather stick around here and help my mom when she has the babies. Everyone plans to keep things as normal as possible, which is what these babies need. Luckily, Shane was very close to all of us and it was very important that his kids be as well. here is a run down since I got home Saturday night...
This has been the looooongest four days of my life, YET it has gone sooooo fast!!!
Saturday:
We arrive into DFW around 430ish. We have to stand in customs for 50 minutes. There were so many people, it was ridiculous. We walked about around 530pm and saw Nate's mom. They took us to my moms house. We got there a little after 8pm. It as hard. It has been so long since I have been h ome and my brain is so fuzzy... we miss the turn off, and although I have driven all of these ways millions of times, i could not figure out how to get home from where we were. It possibly could be that i didnt want to remember the way. Why? The way we drove home is passing my brothers work, which he had just left that night.. And taking the whole way that I consider.. his last drive. It was very hard. My mom had called me to see if I wanted to go to the funeral home that night when I got home. I didnt. I didnt think I could do it. We pull up and for a minute, I feel like this is normal. Then.. I remember. My mom and sister come out to meet me and they hug me... and walk Nate and I inside. There were soooo many people there waiting for us, it was a bit overwhelming. I hugged my aunt Trisha, then my Aunt Cindy. When i hugged her I looked over her shoulder and saw Brian. Then I just started bawling. Who is Brian? My brothers best friend- he is the brother shane never had. He is the other son that my mom never had. he is the only son my mom has left. It was hard. Then I moved about and just hugged everyone-- it stayed pretty busy, so I didnt have too much time to think. i remember everyone leaving and getting my babies.. all of which I can not believe have grown sooo much, in bed..and then nate and I went to bed, which was a struggle.
The Babies:
My Chloe, 7 years old, normall y takes a minute to warm up to me.. but she just grinned and then ran to me. That first night she was very clingy to me. She kept making comments to me, "Did you hear what happened to my daddy?" "I went and saw my daddy." "I just feel so bad about what happened to my daddy." "I am going to my daddys house and I am going to go through it and get things that remind me of my daddy and keep it to always remmeber him" and she would talk about her and her daddys secret place.. good memories, lots of tears.
My Ashtyn Bo*Bo, 4 years old, my little man. It took him a minute to warm up to me, but I think he truly knew me. Skype has helped a ton. He kept telling me over adn over, "My daddy is an angel..." "my daddy is lookind down so I look up"... so hard. but with him he is so young.. that one minute he is talking about it and the next.. well, he is onto a different subject.
My Addy Bugbug, 2 years old (3 at the end of the month) did nto remember me. But she will say my name and she remember it, but it is harder for her to remember me than any of them. She didnt say anything to me abotu her daddy that night, as she wanted to wait until his viewing :) I love these kids soooo much
Sunday:
Everyone was staying away from our house to give me, mom, and brit time alone. It was very nice there. We would randomly start crying and talking. Crying has become a natural part of my life at this point. We had already decided afer talking the night before that we would head to teh funeral home that morning sometime. i knew I needded to do it, although i didnt want too. My dad came to get the kids so they could spend sometime with him. That was very helpful so we could go to teh funeral home. We ended up waiting until a bit later because people were still coing out to drop off food and such so we waited for my aunts to get there. My mom, Britt, Grandma, and myself drove the to funeral home. Man, what comes over you when you walk through the doors like that and you are truly going to see soeone that was robbed of life and... well, you love unconditionally-- it hurts. Just walking in I felt weak. he was in the last room on the right. When I walked in, all I saw at that moment was his hat and nose and i lost it. My mom said we could lave, but I knew I had to do this.. with all three of them by my side, we walked a little closer, but Id idnt get close enogh to see the marks from the wreck or anything. I could barely function. I know so many people go through times like this.. but it just isnt right. my brother, my big brother.... who has ALWAYS protected me.. really? After just a couple of minutes i said we could go. It was very hard. We had to go tallk with the funeral home diretor to finish the program for the service. then we had to wait for about 25 minutes to view the final program to approve it. We sat with Shane. Oh I just remembered.. Chloes mom, constance was with us too. She was getting ready to leave when we got there, so she came in with us. We consider her family- so it is okay! :)
After this we head home. We were there for a while, while moer family showed up.. then around 5pm we had to head to teh funeral home for the viewing. My brothers viewing was simply... amazing. Shane would have a fit if he saw how many people came to see him. There was a slideshow of his life, with two of his favorite songs playing, that kept going round and roun throughout teh night. We stood there, Mom, Dad, Britt, Me, Greg, and Valarie and recieved hugs.. as hard as it was, it was also wonderful to hear from so many people how my brother has touched their lives! I know how he has touched mine... but to hear from peope you dont know.. is just... AWESOME!! There was a line outside the door all night, it was insane. When it was over the funeral home lady came in to talk with us and told us we are welcome to stay with Shane as long as we wanted... there was no set time. she then begin to tell us that she was getting numerous phone calls wanting to know who had died because there were so many people! My brother has touched so may lives. That night alone we had between 300-350 people come in. Amazing.. that is Shane.
Monday will have to wait until another day. That is the day that is in my memory forever ... the lst day I will see his face. I miss him. Night time is sooo hard! I just dont no what to do. Thanks for reading about my brother. I have had several ask about the memorial fund.. I can give you informatino on what to do if you email me at shaw7290@hotmail.com
Thanks for reading
This has been the looooongest four days of my life, YET it has gone sooooo fast!!!
Saturday:
We arrive into DFW around 430ish. We have to stand in customs for 50 minutes. There were so many people, it was ridiculous. We walked about around 530pm and saw Nate's mom. They took us to my moms house. We got there a little after 8pm. It as hard. It has been so long since I have been h ome and my brain is so fuzzy... we miss the turn off, and although I have driven all of these ways millions of times, i could not figure out how to get home from where we were. It possibly could be that i didnt want to remember the way. Why? The way we drove home is passing my brothers work, which he had just left that night.. And taking the whole way that I consider.. his last drive. It was very hard. My mom had called me to see if I wanted to go to the funeral home that night when I got home. I didnt. I didnt think I could do it. We pull up and for a minute, I feel like this is normal. Then.. I remember. My mom and sister come out to meet me and they hug me... and walk Nate and I inside. There were soooo many people there waiting for us, it was a bit overwhelming. I hugged my aunt Trisha, then my Aunt Cindy. When i hugged her I looked over her shoulder and saw Brian. Then I just started bawling. Who is Brian? My brothers best friend- he is the brother shane never had. He is the other son that my mom never had. he is the only son my mom has left. It was hard. Then I moved about and just hugged everyone-- it stayed pretty busy, so I didnt have too much time to think. i remember everyone leaving and getting my babies.. all of which I can not believe have grown sooo much, in bed..and then nate and I went to bed, which was a struggle.
The Babies:
My Chloe, 7 years old, normall y takes a minute to warm up to me.. but she just grinned and then ran to me. That first night she was very clingy to me. She kept making comments to me, "Did you hear what happened to my daddy?" "I went and saw my daddy." "I just feel so bad about what happened to my daddy." "I am going to my daddys house and I am going to go through it and get things that remind me of my daddy and keep it to always remmeber him" and she would talk about her and her daddys secret place.. good memories, lots of tears.
My Ashtyn Bo*Bo, 4 years old, my little man. It took him a minute to warm up to me, but I think he truly knew me. Skype has helped a ton. He kept telling me over adn over, "My daddy is an angel..." "my daddy is lookind down so I look up"... so hard. but with him he is so young.. that one minute he is talking about it and the next.. well, he is onto a different subject.
My Addy Bugbug, 2 years old (3 at the end of the month) did nto remember me. But she will say my name and she remember it, but it is harder for her to remember me than any of them. She didnt say anything to me abotu her daddy that night, as she wanted to wait until his viewing :) I love these kids soooo much
Sunday:
Everyone was staying away from our house to give me, mom, and brit time alone. It was very nice there. We would randomly start crying and talking. Crying has become a natural part of my life at this point. We had already decided afer talking the night before that we would head to teh funeral home that morning sometime. i knew I needded to do it, although i didnt want too. My dad came to get the kids so they could spend sometime with him. That was very helpful so we could go to teh funeral home. We ended up waiting until a bit later because people were still coing out to drop off food and such so we waited for my aunts to get there. My mom, Britt, Grandma, and myself drove the to funeral home. Man, what comes over you when you walk through the doors like that and you are truly going to see soeone that was robbed of life and... well, you love unconditionally-- it hurts. Just walking in I felt weak. he was in the last room on the right. When I walked in, all I saw at that moment was his hat and nose and i lost it. My mom said we could lave, but I knew I had to do this.. with all three of them by my side, we walked a little closer, but Id idnt get close enogh to see the marks from the wreck or anything. I could barely function. I know so many people go through times like this.. but it just isnt right. my brother, my big brother.... who has ALWAYS protected me.. really? After just a couple of minutes i said we could go. It was very hard. We had to go tallk with the funeral home diretor to finish the program for the service. then we had to wait for about 25 minutes to view the final program to approve it. We sat with Shane. Oh I just remembered.. Chloes mom, constance was with us too. She was getting ready to leave when we got there, so she came in with us. We consider her family- so it is okay! :)
After this we head home. We were there for a while, while moer family showed up.. then around 5pm we had to head to teh funeral home for the viewing. My brothers viewing was simply... amazing. Shane would have a fit if he saw how many people came to see him. There was a slideshow of his life, with two of his favorite songs playing, that kept going round and roun throughout teh night. We stood there, Mom, Dad, Britt, Me, Greg, and Valarie and recieved hugs.. as hard as it was, it was also wonderful to hear from so many people how my brother has touched their lives! I know how he has touched mine... but to hear from peope you dont know.. is just... AWESOME!! There was a line outside the door all night, it was insane. When it was over the funeral home lady came in to talk with us and told us we are welcome to stay with Shane as long as we wanted... there was no set time. she then begin to tell us that she was getting numerous phone calls wanting to know who had died because there were so many people! My brother has touched so may lives. That night alone we had between 300-350 people come in. Amazing.. that is Shane.
Monday will have to wait until another day. That is the day that is in my memory forever ... the lst day I will see his face. I miss him. Night time is sooo hard! I just dont no what to do. Thanks for reading about my brother. I have had several ask about the memorial fund.. I can give you informatino on what to do if you email me at shaw7290@hotmail.com
Thanks for reading
Friday, 4 December 2009
Saddest News of My Life
We were set to go home to Texas on December 13th. My baby sister is getting married. Friday, when I got home from work, I was complaining about what a long day it had been to my husband. About three minutes from walking in the door, my vonage phone starts ringing. It is probably about 315pm here, so in Texas it was 1215am. Nate says, "it's your mom, she has been calling." I knew right then, something was wrong. I answered it and she just said, "Cassey." That is pretty much all I remember. A know I screamed out and put the phone down, and then tried to regain some composure to listen to her.
MY.BROTHER.Died.
How can this be possible? These kinds of things do not happen to our family. Anyone that knows me for anything, knows just how close we are as a family. He was killed in a car wreck. Just a little bit prior he had emailed my mom a murial that he had finished painting for the kids on the wall at Truman Smith, where he works. My brother-- my brother. So, we head home today. We will land in Dallas Saturday afternoon, and Nate's family is going to pick us up. All I want to do it just cry in my mom and sister's arms.
For those of you that do not know- my brother, Shane, has three of the most amazing kids that I refer to as my babies. He is the most aweswome dad. How fair is this? I am grateful right now that I am not there.. so I am not doing all the hard things with them. Sounds selfish, but I do not think I could handle it. They have to tell the kids, they checked out his truck, they saw him. I cant.
It hurts so bad. I was due home in a week. I havent seen my brother in a year and a half. We just recently had our last talk. He was telling me that he could not wait to see me. He kept telling me that I have to move closer after this tour in Japan. He said that his kids looove me so much and I am an awesome Aunt. I told him, I knew that- and I can still be here for them and have that relatinoship no matter where we are. The attitude of a military wife.
But then the hard thing is what he said.. he said, "No, I want to be an awesome Uncle to your baby like you have been to my kids." Now, he will never meet our baby. Nor will he ever be an uncle. It is so hard to understand all of this. When things like this happen to other people, you say things to them.. but when it is you, it is hard to believe the things you would tell someone else.
This exciting trip home.. all of the awesome things planned around my baby sisters wedding, how do we function? How do we continue? How do we smile? How do we laugh?
Yesterday I would go through spurts. If you know me, you know /i had showing emotions, so I stayed good for the most part. Waking up throughout the 4 hours I slept.. sucked. The memory of what has happened, laying there, and not being able to go back to bed. It hurts. I hurt. We all hurt. Today, I dont know if I will have those spurts or not, or if it will just be constant. Right now, since 5am, it has been constant. I just need to get home, so I can let go and not feel like I have to be so strong.
I cant help but keep thinking.. if one of us, why not me? He has three amazing, beautiful chldren that will not remeber their daddy now. It just is not right. I dont even know. I am posting this because there are a lot of people curious as to what happened. No one at home is getting online, but I can do nothing but sit here and wait to get on a plane. Soon, soon.
Thanks for the prayers,
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