Numb Part 1

If I had to use one word to describe my family and I right now- it would be numb. This has been the hardest time of my life so far. The hardest time up to this was watching my grandpa die. BUT at least with gpa, we were prepared and ... we understood he was in a better place. I know Heaven is a wonderful place, but I can not understand why the Lord would take him... when he is so important to his children. These small kids have to grow up without knowing their daddy. It breaks my heart. Nothing inside me wants to return to Japan, but rather stick around here and help my mom when she has the babies. Everyone plans to keep things as normal as possible, which is what these babies need. Luckily, Shane was very close to all of us and it was very important that his kids be as well. here is a run down since I got home Saturday night...

This has been the looooongest four days of my life, YET it has gone sooooo fast!!!

Saturday:
We arrive into DFW around 430ish. We have to stand in customs for 50 minutes. There were so many people, it was ridiculous. We walked about around 530pm and saw Nate's mom. They took us to my moms house. We got there a little after 8pm. It as hard. It has been so long since I have been h ome and my brain is so fuzzy... we miss the turn off, and although I have driven all of these ways millions of times, i could not figure out how to get home from where we were. It possibly could be that i didnt want to remember the way. Why? The way we drove home is passing my brothers work, which he had just left that night.. And taking the whole way that I consider.. his last drive. It was very hard. My mom had called me to see if I wanted to go to the funeral home that night when I got home. I didnt. I didnt think I could do it. We pull up and for a minute, I feel like this is normal. Then.. I remember. My mom and sister come out to meet me and they hug me... and walk Nate and I inside. There were soooo many people there waiting for us, it was a bit overwhelming. I hugged my aunt Trisha, then my Aunt Cindy. When i hugged her I looked over her shoulder and saw Brian. Then I just started bawling. Who is Brian? My brothers best friend- he is the brother shane never had. He is the other son that my mom never had. he is the only son my mom has left. It was hard. Then I moved about and just hugged everyone-- it stayed pretty busy, so I didnt have too much time to think. i remember everyone leaving and getting my babies.. all of which I can not believe have grown sooo much, in bed..and then nate and I went to bed, which was a struggle.

The Babies:
My Chloe, 7 years old, normall y takes a minute to warm up to me.. but she just grinned and then ran to me. That first night she was very clingy to me. She kept making comments to me, "Did you hear what happened to my daddy?" "I went and saw my daddy." "I just feel so bad about what happened to my daddy." "I am going to my daddys house and I am going to go through it and get things that remind me of my daddy and keep it to always remmeber him" and she would talk about her and her daddys secret place.. good memories, lots of tears.

My Ashtyn Bo*Bo, 4 years old, my little man. It took him a minute to warm up to me, but I think he truly knew me. Skype has helped a ton. He kept telling me over adn over, "My daddy is an angel..." "my daddy is lookind down so I look up"... so hard. but with him he is so young.. that one minute he is talking about it and the next.. well, he is onto a different subject.

My Addy Bugbug, 2 years old (3 at the end of the month) did nto remember me. But she will say my name and she remember it, but it is harder for her to remember me than any of them. She didnt say anything to me abotu her daddy that night, as she wanted to wait until his viewing :) I love these kids soooo much

Sunday:
Everyone was staying away from our house to give me, mom, and brit time alone. It was very nice there. We would randomly start crying and talking. Crying has become a natural part of my life at this point. We had already decided afer talking the night before that we would head to teh funeral home that morning sometime. i knew I needded to do it, although i didnt want too. My dad came to get the kids so they could spend sometime with him. That was very helpful so we could go to teh funeral home. We ended up waiting until a bit later because people were still coing out to drop off food and such so we waited for my aunts to get there. My mom, Britt, Grandma, and myself drove the to funeral home. Man, what comes over you when you walk through the doors like that and you are truly going to see soeone that was robbed of life and... well, you love unconditionally-- it hurts. Just walking in I felt weak. he was in the last room on the right. When I walked in, all I saw at that moment was his hat and nose and i lost it. My mom said we could lave, but I knew I had to do this.. with all three of them by my side, we walked a little closer, but Id idnt get close enogh to see the marks from the wreck or anything. I could barely function. I know so many people go through times like this.. but it just isnt right. my brother, my big brother.... who has ALWAYS protected me.. really? After just a couple of minutes i said we could go. It was very hard. We had to go tallk with the funeral home diretor to finish the program for the service. then we had to wait for about 25 minutes to view the final program to approve it. We sat with Shane. Oh I just remembered.. Chloes mom, constance was with us too. She was getting ready to leave when we got there, so she came in with us. We consider her family- so it is okay! :)

After this we head home. We were there for a while, while moer family showed up.. then around 5pm we had to head to teh funeral home for the viewing. My brothers viewing was simply... amazing. Shane would have a fit if he saw how many people came to see him. There was a slideshow of his life, with two of his favorite songs playing, that kept going round and roun throughout teh night. We stood there, Mom, Dad, Britt, Me, Greg, and Valarie and recieved hugs.. as hard as it was, it was also wonderful to hear from so many people how my brother has touched their lives! I know how he has touched mine... but to hear from peope you dont know.. is just... AWESOME!! There was a line outside the door all night, it was insane. When it was over the funeral home lady came in to talk with us and told us we are welcome to stay with Shane as long as we wanted... there was no set time. she then begin to tell us that she was getting numerous phone calls wanting to know who had died because there were so many people! My brother has touched so may lives. That night alone we had between 300-350 people come in. Amazing.. that is Shane.

Monday will have to wait until another day. That is the day that is in my memory forever ... the lst day I will see his face. I miss him. Night time is sooo hard! I just dont no what to do. Thanks for reading about my brother. I have had several ask about the memorial fund.. I can give you informatino on what to do if you email me at shaw7290@hotmail.com

Thanks for reading