Friday, 4 December 2009

Saddest News of My Life




We were set to go home to Texas on December 13th. My baby sister is getting married. Friday, when I got home from work, I was complaining about what a long day it had been to my husband. About three minutes from walking in the door, my vonage phone starts ringing. It is probably about 315pm here, so in Texas it was 1215am. Nate says, "it's your mom, she has been calling." I knew right then, something was wrong. I answered it and she just said, "Cassey." That is pretty much all I remember. A know I screamed out and put the phone down, and then tried to regain some composure to listen to her.

MY.BROTHER.Died.

How can this be possible? These kinds of things do not happen to our family. Anyone that knows me for anything, knows just how close we are as a family. He was killed in a car wreck. Just a little bit prior he had emailed my mom a murial that he had finished painting for the kids on the wall at Truman Smith, where he works. My brother-- my brother. So, we head home today. We will land in Dallas Saturday afternoon, and Nate's family is going to pick us up. All I want to do it just cry in my mom and sister's arms.

For those of you that do not know- my brother, Shane, has three of the most amazing kids that I refer to as my babies. He is the most aweswome dad. How fair is this? I am grateful right now that I am not there.. so I am not doing all the hard things with them. Sounds selfish, but I do not think I could handle it. They have to tell the kids, they checked out his truck, they saw him. I cant.

It hurts so bad. I was due home in a week. I havent seen my brother in a year and a half. We just recently had our last talk. He was telling me that he could not wait to see me. He kept telling me that I have to move closer after this tour in Japan. He said that his kids looove me so much and I am an awesome Aunt. I told him, I knew that- and I can still be here for them and have that relatinoship no matter where we are. The attitude of a military wife.

But then the hard thing is what he said.. he said, "No, I want to be an awesome Uncle to your baby like you have been to my kids." Now, he will never meet our baby. Nor will he ever be an uncle. It is so hard to understand all of this. When things like this happen to other people, you say things to them.. but when it is you, it is hard to believe the things you would tell someone else.

This exciting trip home.. all of the awesome things planned around my baby sisters wedding, how do we function? How do we continue? How do we smile? How do we laugh?

Yesterday I would go through spurts. If you know me, you know /i had showing emotions, so I stayed good for the most part. Waking up throughout the 4 hours I slept.. sucked. The memory of what has happened, laying there, and not being able to go back to bed. It hurts. I hurt. We all hurt. Today, I dont know if I will have those spurts or not, or if it will just be constant. Right now, since 5am, it has been constant. I just need to get home, so I can let go and not feel like I have to be so strong.

I cant help but keep thinking.. if one of us, why not me? He has three amazing, beautiful chldren that will not remeber their daddy now. It just is not right. I dont even know. I am posting this because there are a lot of people curious as to what happened. No one at home is getting online, but I can do nothing but sit here and wait to get on a plane. Soon, soon.

Thanks for the prayers,

6 comments:

  1. I am so so so sorry Cassey. I don't even know what to say, but you and your family are definatly in my prayers. You are one of the strongest people I know. I know it is hard. Just turn to the Lord and pray for him to comfort you and your family during this time. Remember to take care of yourself too! I love you and I will be thinking about all of you during this time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sweet sweet girl!! Sometimes life just is not fair. But know that many many prayers are going up for you and your family and that God will walk you through this.

    Love you ~ Maelynn

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hurt for you! I am so sick about this. He was such a hard working sweet guy! My first Boyfriend! I know that this is killing you but I do want you to know that lots of people are praying for you and your family right now. I hate it so much for those sweet kids of his. What a shame! My heart aches for your MOM. I can't imagine! I'm sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Again, I'm so sorry Cassey...I really am. Even though distance (physical and otherwise) has seperated us the past 7 years, you are still one of the best friends I ever had and my heart broke when I read what happened as I began to cry. I know it's so incredibly hard right now but please, PLEASE, don't wish it had been you. For reasons only God knows, it was Shane and not you. I know that sounds trite but please know it is coming from a loving and sincere heart. You're going to be a great mom to that little boy and Shane will be able to look down upon you all and enjoy it from afar until you are ALL reuinted in heaven with our Father one day. Until then, know just how much you are loved. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nate and Cassie....we are grieving with you guys through this. We are so very sorry for your loss and just want you to know that your entire family is in our prayers. We love you guys and know how hard it is to lose someone that close but with the love of family and friends and your strength in the Lord, He will guide you through this dark time. He loves you and will never leave you. Love you guys. Ryan and Jil Grinnell

    ReplyDelete
  6. EVERY TIME I READ THESE BLOGS, I CRY ALL OVER AGAIN, JUST REMEMBERING THAT NITE, THE DAY I GOT OFF WORK, HIS LAST TEXT TELLING ME TO BE AT HIS HOUSE FRIDAY NIGHT, TELLING ME HE WAS GUNNA MAKE ME A BIRTHDAY CAKE ON MY BIRTHDAY LAST MONTH, KNOWING HE WASNT.... I STILL CANT GET THIS ... HE DIDNT EVEN REACH 30 YET, NO OPENING UP THE NEW YEAR OF 2010, LIKE WE DID TOGETHER LAST YEAR, NOT EXPERIENCING BEING AN UNCLE, OR WATCHING HIS SISTER GET MARRIED, NOT SEEING YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR N A HALF, AND ONLY A WEEK AWAY FROM DOING SO, NOT HAVING FAMILY CHRISTMAS, AND WATCHING HIS BABIES OPEN GIFTS, NOT FINISHING ANYTHING.. I THINK ABOUT THIS ALL DAY.. I'M SO SAD,,,, I MISS HI BARGING IN THE HOUSE AND CALLING 55 TIMES IN 2 MINUTES.... SIGH

    ReplyDelete