Carrying On..

Last night, Sunday, I took Addi and Ashtyn to church with the Shaw's. Nate helped me take them to the nursery and then we headed to church. We walk into church as it is already starting and wouldn't you know-- they were singing Christmas songs. NOT what I wanted or needed. It is much easier to forget that Christmas is coming. My brother will not be there this year or any other year. The more days that pass by--- the more I begin to get into denial. It really can not be true. HOW am I suppose to live my life not talking to him? How are his kids suppose to not know him or be with him. I just hear him in my head all the time and all of the things he says or would say. I broke down at church and quite honestly, I began to wish that i wasnt even there. It was hard, but turned into a good night. I had several people come over and pray for Nate and I... which was very good. Those kids.. they are so silly! :) But I am so glad that I was able to take them. It was a scary drive home though, as I do not like driving in the dark now. We drove home the same way my brother drove his last trip, same road, same everything.

Today we took the babies to daycare. Their mommy got them afterwards and we will get them again on Friday. I love those kids! I mean, i LOOOOVE them! I wish I could just have them! They are my heart. Then me, mom, Britt, and grandma headed out shopping for Christmas for the babies. It was very important to my brother that his kids have a good Christmas-- and they will. They have been blessed.

I came to stay with Nate tonight at his parents. it is so hard not being at my moms, but i need to be with him some as well. He will go to Meguell's Bachelor party on Wed and Thur and I am throwing Britts Bachelorette Party on Thursday night. Friday consists of all kinds of wedding activities and Satruday is the wedding. sunday we have family Christmas... then Christmas. Then the 27th is my Baby Shower. Just so much to do to keep you busy- but sometimes, you dont want to be busy, you truly want to just sit there and cry. But you cant. I havent been a total basket case lately, but sometimes it hits me.. and i just cant stop. I love my brother so much and this is just so.. unbelieveable.. and i will never understand it.

I dread coming back to Japan. Honestly. I miss my friends- but I wish I could just stay here with my mom. She needs me. But I have to go with Nate and I have to do what we do. In time we will be back home, in time. This happening has changed my view of what IIIII want for our future so much!! Please keep praying, we need it.