Is it true that I am really boarding that flight tomorrow back to Japan? Is it true that I am really leaving my mom tomorrow? Is it true that tomorrow marks 4 weeks since my brother died? Is any of this true at all?
I don't want to go back to Japan. I want to stay right where I am. I am not ready to face everyone else... and get back to my normal life. I am not ready to leave Addi, Ashtyn, and Chloe. I am glad my mom will get to come to me in March when Noah is here... but it is killing me to leave her tomorrow. I know she needs me, but I do not have a choice. I have a life in Japan. I have a job in Japan. That is where we are for now.
This month has been the most surreal month of my life. It still does not seem real. I have gone to the cemetery a few times to see Shane's grave. It still doesnt seem right. We ordered his headstone the same week we buried him, it is so perfect. I will not see it until I get back in July, but... I know it fits him perfect.
The shower for Noah was wonderful. We recieved everything we needed/wanted. I am getting kinda ready for this. I do not think about labor, but rather ... what the heck am I going to do with a baby? It makes me very nervous. I got one of Shane's outfits when he was first born. It isnt the cutest little thing, but it is what I want Noah to come home in. It is actually more of a summer outfit, but I am going to use it anyways... he will be okay!
I have enjoyed this special time with my family. It is time I will never forget! If you read this, please pray for us as we board that long flight tomorrow.
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