Wedding and Life

My baby sister got married on the 19th. This is the reason we were planning to come home already. It was a beautiful day. She had the most amazing wedding and I am so glad that I was able to be a part of it! I love my family and it has been great the amount of time that I have been able to spend with them. Britt gets home tonight from her honeymoon from St. Lucia. I am so ready to see her. Tonight, actually in about 15 minutes also is 3 weeks exactly since my brother, Shane, died. Really? Really? One week from today we head back to Japan. Do I want to? No! Am I ready? No! Although I am ready for some sense of normalcy to come back to my life, I am not ready. I am not ready to get back there and everyone expect me to just pick up where I left off. I am not ready to get there with happy people all around me... people that do not know or can even attempt the pain I am going through each day. I want to stay here .. with my family. Guarded in the safe haven of my moms arms. I am ready to get Dezi back... and to spend more time with Nathan.. but I am not ready for my life to carry on. I know it has to happen, but I am not ready. I am such a tough person.. that most people will never even realize the pain I am in. But I just want to stay here with people that understand me. People that understand why I gaze off and dont talk, why I will randomly start crying, why I have no desire to celebrate the holidays this year.

The kids have been talking a lot about their daddy tonight. It has been so hard. There have been so many deaths in this area just this month. It is insane!!! I see an article and read about another young person dying in a wreck or something-- and I realize that we arent alone. There are so many other people that feel like they are dying inside along with us. Those are the people that you wish you knew... not the people that can easily carry on with their lives.

It makes me so mad to see some people that are arguing amongst their family... or anything. We would give ANYTHING to have everyone here for Christmas this year.. and we would have had that if he hadnt of died. But there are other families that are making the chioce NOT to attend functions with their family because of stuff that has come between them. Those are the people that I just want to shake and yell out.. LIFE IS SHORT!!!! It just isnt right.

We put all the kids to bed, they are excited because Santa will be visiting here. We have been so blessed.. SO BLESSED! Shane's kids are having a good Christmas.. as he wanted. He HATED holidays.. except this one. Mom and I are about to set out the presents and stockings from Santa. When they wake up their Aunt Brittany and Uncle Meguell will be back and we will open gifts together. We plan to go to the cemetery as well... Then they will go to their mommy for Christmas. I know tomorrow is going to be hard.. and I am not ready for it!

Anyways, I wanted to put the "toast" I gave my sister on here so I always have it and those of you that missed the wedding can read it. Have a merry Christmas.

To my little sister and Meguell:

My brother and I have always said that no guy would ever be good enough for Britt. Brittany is one of the most caring, giving, and passionate people that we know and we both knew it would be hard for her to find that perfect match. Today brings a whirlwind of emotions for all of us; happy tears and sad tears are being cried. But Meguell, you need to know that all of the tears that are being cried today for you and Brittany are happy tears. A few weeks ago I was talking to Shane on the phone and he was telling me how proud he was of both Brittany and myself. That conversation with Shane is one that I will treasure in my heart forever. Meguell, in case you didn’t know, you have to really try hard to gain Shane’s approval; Nate went through it too. That day on the phone Shane told me that you indeed had his approval, well in his own words. He told me that he could not think of any two better men to be the husbands of his two sisters. You had a harder road with Shane because as we have grown older our relationships with each other have grown stronger and the protection that Shane has always had over Britt and I, well that has grown much stronger as well. If Shane were here today he would be standing here with me, even though he is not the matron of honor. He would be standing here and would want to tell you that he is happy to have you come into our family and to be his brother-in-law. However, Shane being Shane… he would still threaten you with your life, in front of all of these people and tell you—if you hurt her, he will hurt you! Welcome to our family Meguell, you are good enough for our Brittany.

I remember when I found out about you and Brittany. We were living in Mississippi at this time. The summer Brittany went to Rockin’ C I told her that she was going to find the boy she was going to marry. She laughed at me. When I got the phone call from my mom about you—I told my mom, “She is going to marry this boy.” She was in love with you from the beginning. You have done nothing but make her happy. Thank you. I love you for that. It has always been so important to me that Shane and Brittany are happy. To see that you are truly making her happy--- man, Meguell, it really relieves me. My one regret is that I have not gotten to spend as much time getting to know you. The military has sent Nate and I to different places away from here, so I have not been able to be a big part of your relationship with Brittany. You have no clue what it means to me that you included me in the proposal details and the after party at your house, even if it was via webcam! I love the fact that we can joke around with one another, you get me and I get you. Meguell, I love you and I am so excited to have a brother-in-law. But, keep in mind… you are not only marrying Britt—but ALL of us!!!!

Brittany, I love you. You are my heart and one of my best friends. I have shared so much with you in our short life together. I am so happy to see you get the wedding of your dreams. YES, I give you a hard time about you know, being spoiled, but I am so happy you are getting what you want. I have always loved doing and giving for you and I am thankful that I have been able to. But in Nate’s words, “You are cut off.” It’s Meguell’s turn! J I have so many memories from our childhood. I know that my heart hurts a lot of times when I remember how I treated you when we were younger. But I am so glad that as we have gotten older, we have gotten closer. As you reminded me just last night, the summer before I graduated High School, our relationship took a turn. We became best friends that summer. I am so thankful for that. We have so many memories together, especially bedtime memories… I hope if you and Meguell decide to take turns scratching each others backs, he will actually scratch yours in return and not pretend to be asleep. This past summer is one of the best memories that I have. I will treasure the time that you, me, and moma spent in Japan. It was our last summer together before you married! I am so glad we got to experience it. I know you are going to make an amazing wife. This is something that you have always wanted, and you are going to be wonderful at it! Just think, now we have more to chat about! J

If Shane were here today we both know the first thing he would talking to you about. But after that, he would probably have a hard time not crying because you are so beautiful. Shane would tell you how proud he is of you and Meguell and he would look you in your eyes and tell you what a beautiful bride you make. He is so proud of you and what you have become sister. I know not having him here is hard, it is hard for all of us. We are missing a piece in our puzzle. Recently while talking to Shane, we were talking about today, your wedding day, and he was boasting with pride, that you, that his baby, BABY sister was about to be a bride. We have a big brother that has been allowed to watch over us our whole life. It is almost like God kept him here to do that until we were both given another man to take care of us, which makes it seem as if his work with us, his sisters, was complete (even if we don’t believe that). We have awesome memories of Shane and those are what we should treasure. I am so glad that you have found a guy like Meguell who is able to be supportive during the hardest time of your life! But as you cry those tears that you are crying today because we are missing a huge part of our life, know that Shane is looking down smiling because he loves you so much and he is so happy that you and Meguell are getting married.

Sister, we both love you, more than words can say. You are a light that shines so bright. Congrats to you both, we are so happy for you.