Anger

I can not help but be angry. I never saw myself in this situation.... ever! I honestly can not even express how I feel. Except that we have been robbed. It is not fair. We had to go to Shane's today to start going through his house. Britt is getting married in a week and next week entails doing a lot for her wedding. And... well I need to make sure that I am here to help my mom do this. So, today we head over there and get ready to do this. First of all today, we had to go bury Shane. We had a gathering at the cemetery and we prayed and said a few words and then we buried him. It finally feels like we have put him to rest. BUT I dont want to put him to rest. This isnt right. Even as I write this, I hardly believe it. So, after that I want to take the kids to McDonalds.. so we go there. Then we head to Shanes. For those of you that do not know, Shane lives in the house we grew up in our whole life. I realized today... how odd it is that, well I have not been there. Shanes house is always my second stop when I come home. I always come to Moms to unload then go to my brother and his kids. But today... I realized, I had not been there in over a week and i had been home. Not fair. Ashtyn keeps talking about his daddy being in heaven and Chloe is explaining how he is an angel watching us from heaven. Well when we get out, Addi, 2 years old, said to me, "im gonna go see my daddy!" This is what she would have said before. I tried to explain to her that Daddy was not there. And yes, we did take the kids.. because they wanted to go to their Daddys house to play in their rooms and to get some of their toys. So we spent about 4-5 hours there. It was so hard. I walk in and his kitchen and living room have all kinds of Japanese things hanging on the walls. Shane was so proud of me and Britt both. It kills me!

I was in his room going through some things and told my ssiter, "it isnt fair at all, because Shane.. when he left that morning for work, he had no clue he would never come back to his house..." Or see his kids again, or us again. I am telling you- it is not right. I can not help but be ANGRY! I have always been so strong in my faith and I admire those that are extremely strong in their faith during times like this- but I can not lie.. I am not. There is nothing right about this. People say, "let go and let god" "everything happens for a reason" "something great is going to happen out of this"..... SERIOUSLY? i am sure that I have said similar things to people that have gone through this... and for that.. i am so sorry.

You know I have kept up with the Sullivans blog, where Sara recently passed away. My heart has hurt for them and i have looked at her husband as someone that I truly admire because of how he has dealt with this... his blogs are always so amazing. I can not feel the way he does. How he can just be such an amazing person through losing his wife after their baby girl was just born... I dont know. Because I am angry. Not fair.

More than feeling that I have been robbed or that any of us have... I think Shane has been robbed. He has been robbed the awesoe chance to continue watching his beautiful children grow up. I look at these kids and just want to break down. Nothing is fair about this. We have to keep Shane alive to them. But how do you do that? HOW!!!! It is not fair. I jsut can not accept it- will I ever?

I have kept thinking that had this not happen.. my countdown for Texas would be at 0 now and my status on facebook would be one of the two things I had planned... either "Leaving on a Jet Plane.... Ill be back way to soon..." or "I can not wait to hug my brother and his babies." Yes, I had truly thought of these and I was leaning towards the others because I could not wait to see Shane, Chloe, Ashtyn, Addisyn. LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Will I ever get over this? If this had not happened, right now, in Japan i would be at the airport with my friends ... getting ready to come home and meet everyone at the Longview airport. HOWEVER, that is not what happened. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever expect something like this to happen. We have lost someone so dear.

Sorry if my blogs are so depressing... but i can not help it. And for the first time in a long time, i truly feel that I need to write! Gotta go finish bathing these kiddos!!