I want to be this girl again....

TIRED.OF.BEING.FAT.

Can't Sleep

It is 1am in California and I am wide awake. Come 6am when my little monkey wakes up.. I am going to reallllly regret not sleeping! I skyped with Jason, Ryan, Allie, Emma, and Kimmy tonight. That is right- I got all of them! Of course then I got all sad and depressed. I can't believe that I have been here for two weeks already AND haven't really met any friends! I have plenty of virtual friends... BUT! In Misawa, I met my best friend within the first week! She was my best friend the whole time I was there. This place is very different. So then I get all down and out tonight... it sucks. But I really do like it here. I just feel lonely .. especially now that Nate went back to work. I think it will be better when we are in our own place and I have things to do... or once I start keeping kids.

I just miss it. I miss my life in Japan. I miss my small 800 square foot house. I miss the heat with no air conditioner. I miss going off base and people being so friendly. I miss having coffee with my best friend. I miss calling her a million times for nothing. I miss the boys giving me a hard time. I miss being mean back at them. I miss watching the kids play. I miss sleeping over at her house. I miss knowing people. I miss my teacher friends. I miss my students. I just miss! BUT I love it here! Is that even possible? Is it possible to love it here but yet be so home-sick for Japan and my life there?

I miss the way my life was three years ago.. before my brother died. Things have changed so much since then... in my personal life and in my family. It sucks. I still sometimes sit here and realize my brother is gone... and I really don't believe it. I can't believe it has been OVER three years since I physically saw him and over a year and a half since he left us. I can't believe it. Our lives have continued... but we don't forget. WE live with it daily. Everything else in my life seems so trivial now compared to losing him. I can't believe my big brother is gone. And you see... no one here knows that about me. Everyone that I was friends with in Japan- knew that he was gone... knew that I lived with that pain daily. No one here knows me at all... and that sucks when you need someone to talk to and your family is at work, in another country or sleeping. When your husband isn't here. When your best friend is on the other side of the world sleeping....

Speaking of best friend.. I had two. Now I have one. It sucks. I haven't written about it on here because I was really hoping that God would fix the friendship. But I now know that this is what HE wants for my life. And I have come to a point where I am okay with it. Do I wonder if I made big mistakes? YES! My closest friend of all time... well I didn't agree with choices she was making.. and I didn't support her like I should have. Hindsight 20/20.. I wonder if I would have made the same choices again.. and I think that I would have. I feel that what I did... was right. HOWEVER, would I have gone about things differently.. yes. Did I intend to lose her as my best friend? NO! Do I still have hard days.. Of course (today being one). But God has really been showing His grace to me as of late.. and letting me let go. I have such a peace. Now.. if she were to ever contact me.. guess what? I would be here. Just because she made choices that I didn't agree with .. doesn't mean I don't love her. Just because I have hurt that she would never even understand ... doesn't mean I wouldn't be here. I would be there for that girl in a heartbeat. We were suppose to be best friends forever. Yet, we both made mistakes. We both hurt eachother... and we had to let go.. it is best for both of us. In wondering what God's reasoning behind not only losing Shane.. but losing my best friend was.... I'll never know. I do know one thing though.. losing her helped me grow into a much deeper realtionship with my other best friend. It changed us... and man, I am so thankful for that girl. She has helped me in ways she will never know. I am not good with words- never have been.. I can write all day long- but I can't say it face to face. I love her. I love her family. I am so thankful for what they have been in our life.

My sister is in Africa. I am so proud of her... serving our God on mission trips. Three years ago she was in China... now she is in Africa. I want to be like Brittany when I grow up. I want to have her passion... desire... dedication... love! EVERYTHING about my sister.. I love! Please say a prayer for her, her husband, and their team if you get the time! Please God, bring them back safely to us! :)

I guess I should hit the sack. Noah won't understand that mommy is tired in a few hours!! I miss my life... but I love my life! :)

16 months

Today my big boy is 16 months old. Where did the time go? He is so different than most kids his age. I find more and more people that are shocked at how young he is. I am a proud mama.. but it makes me sad at the same time...why doesn't my baby act like a baby? :) He has been doing well with all the moving around and adjusting. I can't wait to get him in his own environment again though. At 16 months old my little man is saying:

mama
dada
please
thank you
dezi
dog
ow
ouch
stay
puppy
ryan
nana
good girl
go
stop
no no
yellow
two
three
eye
ear
gammy
pacy
allie
taw taw
night night
i love you
drink
bite

Of course he says all of this in his own way.. but we know what he is saying. I know he says more than that.. but these are the words that come to my and some he uses daily! Being a mom is truly the best gift ever. To know that I get to stay home with my little monkey.. makes it that much better! My little boy is amazing.. How I love him!

California is..

GREAT! IF you could just bring Kim, Jason, Allie, Emma, and Ryan here.. it would be PERFECT! It is hard moving on with my life without my best friend by my side.. and at first I didn't want to have my normal happy attitude about this move. I have begun to let go and let God... and he has really changed my attitude and desire about many things. I sure with my besties were here.. but they aren't.. this is part of our life.. so I have to go on.

We found our dream home... we should be in by mid-August! Check it out on Facebook.. We are in love! California has been great to us so far. We haven't really met anyone .. but I know that will come in due time! God is always so good to me and brings amazing people into my life! I know He will do the same thing here! The weather here is great. The landscapes are beautiful.

Everything is just going great. Mom plans to come in March and then my Aunt Trisha in June. I hope to go home this summer for my 10 year reunion.. exciting! Nothing new to talk about really! :)

Hello California!

Well we made it here! The roadtrip was fantastic. Noah was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I never dreamed he would be soooo well behaved. He didn't fuss at all. Maybe 20 minutes total... not bad for a 30 hour, 6 day road trip! We got to see some great friends, get my computer fixed, and see some nice scenery. We are now here.. and as much as I didn't want to say it-- I think I am going to love it. But you all know how I am.. I make the best of every situation. Columbus, MS was hard at first.. but it became home. I missed it when I was gone. Do I still miss it? No! :) Japan.. i will always miss. Not just my family there.. but Japan itself. Japan holds so many memories for me. 2 Deployments, Mt. Fuji, fun travels, NOAH, SHANE, Earthquake and Tsunami. Maybe one day I will write about things... but for now... I am going to embrace California. I didn't want too.. because I miss the DeMoss' and Ryan so much. Those people are my family. They were there when I had Noah... they have walked through the past three years for me.

House hunting is fun. We found a home... IT IS PERFECT!!!! Can't wait to share pictures.. SOON!

Dear Shane

Dear Shane,

Today was the 4th time I had to say goodbye to you at the cemetery (with me leaving Texas) versus getting one of your wild, painful hugs! It really isn't fair. Today was the first time I have gone up there ALONE and actually gotten out of my car. I sat on your grave today. I tried to talk... but I just mentally thought of the things I wanted to say to you... instead of speaking them. But it made me feel good to get out what I was feeling. I can't believe you are gone. I read the letter I wrote you a year ago, the one in the box... You would love my son. I know you would love being an Uncle. Noah would love you. I just wish you were here to see him... I love you.

Mom and I went over to your house the other day. We are all so sad it has come to this and now our childhood home will sit empty forever. Noah was running around the empty house playing... and it made me so sad. The poor baby has no clue. He has no clue that is the house that holds so many precious memories for us. He has no clue that he will never be able to see his Uncle Shane at that house or even go to that house to play. It will sit there and end op eventually falling down. It is so sad. I know if you can see down here.. and see what is going on, I know you are sad. But I also firmly believe that I am doing what you would want me to do in regards to how I feel.. and I truly feel you would be proud of mom, Britt, and I.... we truly only want to honor your memory, Shane. Mom can't live like this.. you know this. As if losing you wasn't enough. :(

I spent time with the kids this trip, man I love them. They have gotten so big. They still talk about you... they miss you. I tell Chloe to hold her memories close to her and remember them forever. She has memories that A and A will never remember. My gosh, Ashtyn is YOU made over. Addi is a beauty.. and Chloe is an artist just like you! These kids are so amazing. I am so thankful to have them in my life. I am so proud to be their Aunt Cassey. Thank you for giving me that honor.

I am moving to California. It may not be Texas, but it is closer. My heart is in Japan still.. but I hope it returns home the way I have. I know you wanted me closer- you told me each time we talked! :) I am coming bro... but I can't believe you aren't here. Things have changed so much in our lives since you left... I wish you could be here. I wish you could experience everything we are. I wish you could continue living with us... I will never know why... or understand. The only thing I know I can do is honor you through my actions, thoughts, and words. Sometimes it is hard, but I am trying so hard.

Watching mom walk over to you on your birthday killed me. She was in front of me and I watched her walk thinking how NO MOM should have to do that... Mom is so strong.. we have always said that. She is still taking care of you. Cleaning around your beautiful headstone, new flowers, old flowers out... still looking after you Shane. We truly have the best mom ever. I know if you can see down you aren't happy with how some things are going right now... and I know you are hurting for her. I hurt for her. To know all she has had to go through and how things just keep coming... I always knew there was a reason we had a strong mom. She is amazing.

We love you, Shane!! You are always in our hearts.

I love you, Big Brother!!

C

Blah

I am trying really hard not to be Negative Nancy today... but I kinda feel like being her! This morning I woke up ready to go. First time I have done that. I am not ready to leave my mom... but I am so ready to get into the groove of our new life and to get into a new schedule. Noah didn't sleep worth crap last night... and it made for a terrible night on my end. I am ready to be in our own home and/or environment.... only time! We are getting ready to head out on our week long adventure to California. We are going to see some good friends and that is always exciting... It will still take a while for us to find a place to live, but at least we will be there... and at least we will not be in someone elses' personal space all the time. Please pray for our safety as we start this trek to the West Coast. We have to finalize some things about our trip today.. but besides that, we are just waiting.

I have enjoyed the last two and a half weeks with my mom. She took off the whole time we have been here and it has been so great. I think this was a time my mom really needed us here and I am so glad that we were here. Lots of things going on in our lives right now, I just hope I can always be there for her even though I don't live here. My sweet mom always continues to try and protect us girls from any worry, pain, or sadness. I couldn't ask for a better mom. People that don't know her or aren't in her life... really miss out on a relationship with an amazing person.

Having Britt in town for July 4th weekend was fantastic. I missed her so much. I just wish we were little kids again sometimes. To play house (and always be who I want to be because I am the oldest)... I just miss that girl. I wish her and mom could be a part of Noah's life on a daily basis! But I am so thankful that they do play such a big part in his life even though we don't live here!

I'll try and update as we start this trek to California!

Being Home

Being home has been great. I have gotten to spend some much needed time with my mom and this weekend with my sister. I am learning a very hard lesson... That when God shuts the door to something, I need to let it go. There is a reason that things are happening in our lives the way they are... and I need to learn to be content with that. I am not speaking of any one certain thing, so if you are reading and you think you know- you probably don't! :) There have been so many changes in my life right now.. and I am learning to grab hold of the reigns and to continue to be the person that God made me. I am who I am.. and will continue to live my life the way I know I am suppose to. I am so thankful for my family. My mom and sister are so amazing. I could not ask for a better family than them... I just wish my brother was here to enjoy life with us. I have been loving having his sweet babies around lately. They are the most amazing kiddos! They just love on Noah and little Addi even struggles with not being the baby anymore... it is pretty darn cute!

We are looking at heading out pretty soon... on our adventure to California. I wish I could pack my family up and bring them with me. Too much heartache in this area with Shane gone... but I know there is a reason they live here, I live there, and BT lives where she does!!! God continues to bless my family... and I am so thankful for that!