Dear Shane

Dear Shane,

Today was the 4th time I had to say goodbye to you at the cemetery (with me leaving Texas) versus getting one of your wild, painful hugs! It really isn't fair. Today was the first time I have gone up there ALONE and actually gotten out of my car. I sat on your grave today. I tried to talk... but I just mentally thought of the things I wanted to say to you... instead of speaking them. But it made me feel good to get out what I was feeling. I can't believe you are gone. I read the letter I wrote you a year ago, the one in the box... You would love my son. I know you would love being an Uncle. Noah would love you. I just wish you were here to see him... I love you.

Mom and I went over to your house the other day. We are all so sad it has come to this and now our childhood home will sit empty forever. Noah was running around the empty house playing... and it made me so sad. The poor baby has no clue. He has no clue that is the house that holds so many precious memories for us. He has no clue that he will never be able to see his Uncle Shane at that house or even go to that house to play. It will sit there and end op eventually falling down. It is so sad. I know if you can see down here.. and see what is going on, I know you are sad. But I also firmly believe that I am doing what you would want me to do in regards to how I feel.. and I truly feel you would be proud of mom, Britt, and I.... we truly only want to honor your memory, Shane. Mom can't live like this.. you know this. As if losing you wasn't enough. :(

I spent time with the kids this trip, man I love them. They have gotten so big. They still talk about you... they miss you. I tell Chloe to hold her memories close to her and remember them forever. She has memories that A and A will never remember. My gosh, Ashtyn is YOU made over. Addi is a beauty.. and Chloe is an artist just like you! These kids are so amazing. I am so thankful to have them in my life. I am so proud to be their Aunt Cassey. Thank you for giving me that honor.

I am moving to California. It may not be Texas, but it is closer. My heart is in Japan still.. but I hope it returns home the way I have. I know you wanted me closer- you told me each time we talked! :) I am coming bro... but I can't believe you aren't here. Things have changed so much in our lives since you left... I wish you could be here. I wish you could experience everything we are. I wish you could continue living with us... I will never know why... or understand. The only thing I know I can do is honor you through my actions, thoughts, and words. Sometimes it is hard, but I am trying so hard.

Watching mom walk over to you on your birthday killed me. She was in front of me and I watched her walk thinking how NO MOM should have to do that... Mom is so strong.. we have always said that. She is still taking care of you. Cleaning around your beautiful headstone, new flowers, old flowers out... still looking after you Shane. We truly have the best mom ever. I know if you can see down you aren't happy with how some things are going right now... and I know you are hurting for her. I hurt for her. To know all she has had to go through and how things just keep coming... I always knew there was a reason we had a strong mom. She is amazing.

We love you, Shane!! You are always in our hearts.

I love you, Big Brother!!

C