It is 1am in California and I am wide awake. Come 6am when my little monkey wakes up.. I am going to reallllly regret not sleeping! I skyped with Jason, Ryan, Allie, Emma, and Kimmy tonight. That is right- I got all of them! Of course then I got all sad and depressed. I can't believe that I have been here for two weeks already AND haven't really met any friends! I have plenty of virtual friends... BUT! In Misawa, I met my best friend within the first week! She was my best friend the whole time I was there. This place is very different. So then I get all down and out tonight... it sucks. But I really do like it here. I just feel lonely .. especially now that Nate went back to work. I think it will be better when we are in our own place and I have things to do... or once I start keeping kids.
I just miss it. I miss my life in Japan. I miss my small 800 square foot house. I miss the heat with no air conditioner. I miss going off base and people being so friendly. I miss having coffee with my best friend. I miss calling her a million times for nothing. I miss the boys giving me a hard time. I miss being mean back at them. I miss watching the kids play. I miss sleeping over at her house. I miss knowing people. I miss my teacher friends. I miss my students. I just miss! BUT I love it here! Is that even possible? Is it possible to love it here but yet be so home-sick for Japan and my life there?
I miss the way my life was three years ago.. before my brother died. Things have changed so much since then... in my personal life and in my family. It sucks. I still sometimes sit here and realize my brother is gone... and I really don't believe it. I can't believe it has been OVER three years since I physically saw him and over a year and a half since he left us. I can't believe it. Our lives have continued... but we don't forget. WE live with it daily. Everything else in my life seems so trivial now compared to losing him. I can't believe my big brother is gone. And you see... no one here knows that about me. Everyone that I was friends with in Japan- knew that he was gone... knew that I lived with that pain daily. No one here knows me at all... and that sucks when you need someone to talk to and your family is at work, in another country or sleeping. When your husband isn't here. When your best friend is on the other side of the world sleeping....
Speaking of best friend.. I had two. Now I have one. It sucks. I haven't written about it on here because I was really hoping that God would fix the friendship. But I now know that this is what HE wants for my life. And I have come to a point where I am okay with it. Do I wonder if I made big mistakes? YES! My closest friend of all time... well I didn't agree with choices she was making.. and I didn't support her like I should have. Hindsight 20/20.. I wonder if I would have made the same choices again.. and I think that I would have. I feel that what I did... was right. HOWEVER, would I have gone about things differently.. yes. Did I intend to lose her as my best friend? NO! Do I still have hard days.. Of course (today being one). But God has really been showing His grace to me as of late.. and letting me let go. I have such a peace. Now.. if she were to ever contact me.. guess what? I would be here. Just because she made choices that I didn't agree with .. doesn't mean I don't love her. Just because I have hurt that she would never even understand ... doesn't mean I wouldn't be here. I would be there for that girl in a heartbeat. We were suppose to be best friends forever. Yet, we both made mistakes. We both hurt eachother... and we had to let go.. it is best for both of us. In wondering what God's reasoning behind not only losing Shane.. but losing my best friend was.... I'll never know. I do know one thing though.. losing her helped me grow into a much deeper realtionship with my other best friend. It changed us... and man, I am so thankful for that girl. She has helped me in ways she will never know. I am not good with words- never have been.. I can write all day long- but I can't say it face to face. I love her. I love her family. I am so thankful for what they have been in our life.
My sister is in Africa. I am so proud of her... serving our God on mission trips. Three years ago she was in China... now she is in Africa. I want to be like Brittany when I grow up. I want to have her passion... desire... dedication... love! EVERYTHING about my sister.. I love! Please say a prayer for her, her husband, and their team if you get the time! Please God, bring them back safely to us! :)
I guess I should hit the sack. Noah won't understand that mommy is tired in a few hours!! I miss my life... but I love my life! :)
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