Red Box

You know there are songs that remind you of someone? Smells? Colors???? How many of you have seen the Red Box Video Rentals that have come all around American stores? Well can I just tell you how hard it was when I got home.. and I saw one. We were in the Longview Wal-Mart trying to do some Christmas shopping for the kids. When I saw it.. my heart- it just broke. Tears came to my eyes... and at that moment I was so grateful that I was heading to the bathroom. Why, you ask?

Shane LOVED Red Box. Something so small and little... but he was talking to me one day on the phone and telling me how awesome this new video rental is... Red Box. My brother loves to watch TV.. movies.. anything. Red Box was perfect for him. I do not remember all of the details, as I have never used it.. but I do remember him just telling me all about it and how much he loved it!

So... when I see a Red Box.. it makes me want to kick, punch, scream, or throw up. But mostly it makes me want to cry!

Cry for myself, selfishly, because I miss my brother. Cry because I miss hearing his voice... because I miss his random phone calls... I miss how when I would call him he was so caught up with the TV and barely talked sometimes... miss hearing him talk to his kids. And cry for myself, again selfishly, because... I was in Japan the last year and a half of my brothers life.

Cry for my mom... because she has lost her one and only son. Even if Shane was not the only son... it would still be just as hard. As I carry Baby Noah in my belly.. I still can not comprehend the pain or hurt that MY mom, my amazing, precious, one of a kind, mom is going through. I can not be there to help her, and I hurt for that as well. I cry for my mom because she is the one that has to carry one Shane with his kids... oh man.

Cry for my sister... because she has lost her brother as well. I cry for her because Shane was not able to attend her wedding... Shane was not able to come to her bachelorette party like Nathan did, because he would have been there... cry for her, just like for me, because our children will never nkow their Uncle Shane. I cry for her, because like me, our BIG brother, our protector, our joy, laughter, hard-headed, amazing brother... is gone.

I cry for everyone else in my family because they lost their son, grandson, cousin, nephew, etc. I know they all hurt. Everyone hurts. Craig and Paul, my cousins-- HURT! Brian, Shane's best friend-- HURTS! Craig just brought his new baby boy, Rylan Shane, into this world. Shane would have been there.. enjoying the moment with him.. and I know this time has been so hard for him. Brian, withour blessing and wishes, moved into our childhood home, my brothers house. Shane would not have had it any other way. But everyday he is there.. .dealing with it. Brian is like a brother. And I know this is so hard for him. I am SO thankful he is there with my mom and able to talk to her daily... and to continue the relationship she always had with him.

Then... I hurt so bad for Chloe, Ashtyn, and Addi. I think Chloe will always have memories that are not forgotten about her daddy. She loved her daddy. I remember the day she was born. It was such an amazing day. Chloe changed him. She made him a daddy... and that is the most important job he ever had.. and it is by far his favorite. Ashtyn is his little man. I still have a voicemail saved from 4 days before the wreck.. him telling me how happy he was that we were having aboy-- that now Ashtyn would have a boy cousin. He helped make Ashtyn tough. Shane always wanted to make sure he was a tough boy... and he is. Then there is little Addi. Boy, she loved her daddy. All three of these kids loved him. I loved hearing him say
"Buggy"... and it kills me that I will NEVER hear that again.

I read books and I watch all of these people of such strong faith. HOW is it possible that they are so strong? I do not understand! Is this something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life? I live in fear right now of losing someone else so close to me. I pray that the Lord will keep my family safe. All of us. I honestly do not think that I can even handle something like this ever again.

Oh, Red Box.. please go away.. Disappear... I do not want to see you again.