I can not believe it is already Jan. 10th. This month is flying by like crazy. It is sooo insane to think that in two months+ that we will have our little Noah here. Our lives are about to change so much. We are use to it being just us... for almost seven years. This new addition is going to be great, nerve wracking, exciting, scary... all kinds of things. I am so ready for that time to come because I am beyond ready to be back with my mom. But the two weeks she will be here are going to zoom by. I wish she was staying a month this time too. But she can't.. and that is okay. But I already dread her leaving. Nate's mom will come in after her.. so we will be busy. Then we plan to go home when Noah is 4mth. in July. Ill miss my baby sister's college graduation in May- but at least I was there for her wedding. I will be at her graduation in spirit. I am so proud of her.
Mom had Addi, Chloe, and Ashtyn this weekend. I know she is tired. I know it is hard for her. But she is the most amazing Gammy-- I do not know what those kids would do without her.. I mean, since their whole lives-- if they had not had their Gammy involved... life would have for sure been different. I can not wait for Noah to meet his Gammy too! :) Then he can just see how awesome this woman that I talk about really is for himself! :) She took them to Chucky Cheese Saturday. Such a brave woman! I know it was hard for her because she said the last time she was there with them, Shane was with her too. She was very involved with the kids and a huge part even before this happened with Shane-- but many times he was right there with her doing the things. I know it is hard for her. I feel so terrible that I am not there with her, and I can not be. I hate it.
Speaking of Shane- man, this past week was a rough week. I just get into this funk towards the end of my workday... and i can not shake it. Everday last week, the drive home was terrible. Mind you- my drive home is maybe 8 minutes-- but it felt forever. The days that Nate was home... it was okay. The days he was not.. those were the really not so good days. I would just break down. i still just can not believe it. I dont want to believe it. I want to believe that he is just on a trip-- or that I have not talked to him in a while. More than anything right now- my heart hurts for my mom. I can not imagine being in her shoes-- losing her precious son. I just dont know. I see nothing right about this. Then those kids-- they are the ones that have truly been robbed. People stillt ry and say the things that they think they should say- but realistically, I wish that they wouldnt. I dont care about all the things that we all say to people to make them feel better. They dont make me feel better- I almost get angry. I know a lot of people look at me and wonder why I am still down about this- I mean, it has been five weeks. That is right! It has only been five weeks. I do not think I will ever be able to shake this. But honestly-- it is still too soon. I wonder if I will ever smile again. I am having to force myself to be the smarty pants around my friends that I have always been. Heck, I am having to force myself to even be around my friends. Because I.DONT.WANT.TOO. And anyone that knows me well.... knows that I always push those that I am closest too away during my hard times. I honestly just want to stay holed up in my house- and when Nate is at work, that is all fine. But when he is off, it isnt fair to him. I just dont know. I hurt. I continue to hurt. I will always hurt.
Noahs room is completed for the most part. We have every last thing that we need. It is getting exciting.. but then on the other hand, I am no where near ready! :) I just dont know how I am going to be a mommy-- it seems sooo crazy. Me, a mom. Nate, a dad! Wow!!! Alright blogger I am out for the night!
C
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