Mistaken Identity

I just finished reading the book Mistaken Identity. These are a few things that I took from the book. When you read the quote- you may wonder... HOW do I think that pertains to my situation? After each quote, I am going to explain exactly why I thought this quote was specifically important to me.

"He sat silently in the chair for quite some time, gently crying, thinking about his daughter. As he reflected on the life she'd lived, he began to think about the life she continued to live in the presence of God. I wonder what Whit's doing right now. I wonder what she's experiencing, who she's met since she's been there, what she's thinking as she adjusts to life in heaven. "Adjusts"... I doubt if that's the right word, but I can't think of a better one."

I often wonder what my brother is doing up there. What is he thinking? They say when you get to heaven that you are very happy.. that you have no worries, no sickness, no sadness. It is so hard for me to imagine Shane there.. with no sadness or worries. He has three beautiful, amazing children that were his complete world. How can he be in heaven not worrying about them? Not being sad and MAD that he had to leave them? Heaven is something I can not comprehend. It doesn't seem to matter the faith I have had my whole life... this has really shaken it. I pray that God will give us, my whole family, a peace.... that there is a reason for this- that Shane is better off... and that in the end, it will all make perfect sense. But today... it doesn't and it never looks like it will.

"When they first recieved the news of Whitney's death, the four of them had been scattered from Michigan to Mississippi. In the week and a half since, they had hardly been apart. Sitting in the hotel room talking about Whitney, talking about what lay ahead in the comming weeks, they all knew that this would be their last time together for a while. Carly and Sandra had to go back to school. Newell and Colleen had to go back to work. LIFE REFUSED TO STAND STILL, EVEN THOUGH ALL FOUR OF THEM WONDERED HOW IT COULD MOVE ON."

When we first recieved the news of Shane... we were scattered all around as well. Texas- Gilmer, Abilene, Neches, Austin, and other places. Japan, Guam... or more significantly is my immediate family where we ranged from Misawa, Japan- Gilmer, Texas- Abilene, Texas. When we all made it to one aonther we were inseparable for the wohle month we were home. When we had to leave that was one of the hardest realizations... life refused to stand still... it still refuses to stand still. None of us, especialy the three of us, can understand how it can move on. But we do not have a choice and we have to get up everyday and move on with it. I can not understand... none of us can. It is so hard seeing people living their lives- especially when they are doing such crazy things... when we are just all hurting so bad.

"We can all fit in one car now, she thought. Now there's only five of us, and we can all take one car. She shook her head and recoiled at the thought."

When it was just me, mom, Shane, and Britt we could always fit in one car... But since he had the kids, we can't... even without Shane we can't. But for some reason, this quote really struck me. It is hard to realize that now... there are only 2 of us, kids. That our big brother is gone... that it is just me and Britt. Someoen said to me at the visitation that I have big shoes to fill... Because I am the oldest now. Who says that? Because truly- I AM NOT the oldest. My brother is. He may be gone- but if I am asked.. I still have a big brother. There have always been adn will always be 3 of us. I have always been the middle child and I will always be the middle child. It is a hard realization though to know that physically our brother will not be there anymore.

"He didn't feel angry at God for taking her away. Parents have to bury their children every day. Why would I assume that God would feel obligated to keep that from happening to us?"

This is something I have been thinking a lot about. We all thought when this happened, "things like this dont happen to our family." But now that it has-- why would we think that we were so special that tragedy would not hit us? It did-- and boy did it hit us hard. It truly makes you see how short life is. It makes me so mad how people take so much for granted... or live these terrible lives. I just can not get over it. I dont understand why God allowed this to happen- to say I am ANGRY at God- isnt true. To say I am ANGRY- is true. But not at God. I dont understand God right now, and I struggle getting close to him at this time.. but I am certainly not angry with him. I can say that with 100% truthfulness. I am just angry at the whole situation. And God is helping that anger, because my anger is not near what it was in December.

"Some of those people who say something about her being in heaven will often say something like "She's in such a better place, you wouldn't want to make her come back." I know that's true, but do you want to know my honest gut reaction? I DO want her back! I want her right back here with us. Is that selfish? I think every parent that has ever lost a child feels the same way."

Enough said. I don't feel selfish wishing he was here. For mom, me, Britt, the rest of our family, but mostly ASHTYN, ADDI, AND CHLOE. I do not think that God would think we are selfish. He knows how important Shane was to those kids- he knows how important it was that he was in their lives. I can not understand it. But if I could turn back the hands of time... boy, woudl I. we all would.

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There are more quotes.. but this is what I am posting for today. I will post more later. I Am doing this more for myself than anything... as I do all my writing.