"Mama"

Noah kept saying that word over and over on the way home from church yesterday. He has been saying Mama for a long time now.. but something about yesterday.. stirred up a ton of emotions and memories in me. I can't believe that God chose to give me this gift called.. a child! I can't believe I am really a mom. I can't believe I have a little one (who I pray) thinks of me the same way that I have always thought of my mom. A little one that will always love me like I love my mom.

I.AM.A.MOM.

Really? I love it! I love my baby boy. He lights up our life! I guess since losing Shane.. I fear leaving Noah early too. It has been on my mind a lot lately. One of the biggest things I have been thinking about it my lack of self control with myself... and how I am just letting myself gain more and more weight. I had gotten to a point when we went to Japan where I was wearing cute clothes and finally, after like.. uh, a whole life of being huge, I felt GREAT! I lived life there.. put on a little, but was still happy. Got pregnant and since I had Noah I have just added the pounds. It is like I have no... self control. I want it.. so bad I can taste it.. but I am not doing something about it.

this.will.change.

Even if for the one reason that Noah deserves a mom that can run and play with him and one that he can look back on and remember that she was fit and there with him. I want this for him. I want this for my husband. I have started a workout with a friend- it is SOOO hard and my body hurts SOOOO bad!! But... we are going to do this.

I love the word MAMA! Lately it has been MommY!!! I love it! I love that I am the one that my boy comes too.. and cries too.. and wants! I love being his mommy. I love that he runs to me and hugs and kisses me.. I love how he stands at the door and waves bye-bye at me on the FEW occasions I leave him home with Daddy! I LOOOOVE this kid!

I know this post has two different things in it.. but my brain has been jumbled.